‘Pump Me Like My Mistress, I’ve Been Shriven’ Claims Boris Johnson

Prime Minister Boris Johnson celebrated Shrove Tuesday by eating pancakes yesterday and announcing he has given up lying for lent.

“Pump e Like My Mistress, I’ve Been Shriven! I know it’ll be a wrench but to fully experience the privation of this solemn observance one must give up something you really love and, as I honestly can’t give up creating illegitimate children, I’ll be giving up the next best thing; lying”.  

“I’m a champion tosser, in fact yesterday I was tossing in the kitchen with the curtains open for all to see!” the Prime Minister told journalists before re-counting the annual pancake race around Parliament Square, where 15 MP’s competed to see who is the quickest tosser and can come quickest over the line.  

Since that announcement Boris Johnson has remained silent, it is believed he is sincere in the endeavour not to lie for 40 days and 40 nights; a period when its expected the Prime Minister to only say ‘I love you’ when looking in a mirror.

For the sake of humanity Priti Patel has been persuaded to give up oxygen for lent. The new Home Secretary will be announced shortly but it is believed a cockroach would be a more popular choice then the recently asphyxiated current incumbent