Who will be next to take on the keys to the Tardis?

Matchin Tendulker Announced st Next Doctor

The name of the actor who will replace Jodie Whittaker has been announced, the new lead actor in Doctor Who will be Matchin Tendulker, voice of the sea and 13th coolest person in Bristol.

Whittakers replacement, the 14th Doctor of the TV series, was revealed during todays episode of the Tailenders Podcast, in which this shoe salesman became famous before global fame designing quizzes for the BBC.

The casting decision has been a priority for the show’s new creative team, led by executive producers Greg James and James Anderson, with Alan Lamb announced as the Doctors new assistant along with movie veteran Sandra Bullock.

James, head of Cheese Research at BBC Wales, said: “We believe the actor is going to bring something very special to the role, a certain height and unique heavy breathing acting style”.

The First 11 Doctors

1. William Hartnell

2. Patrick Troughton

3. Jon Pertwee

4. Tom Baker (pictured)

5. Peter Davison

6. Colin Baker

7. Sylvester McCoy

8. Paul McGann

9. Christopher Eccleston

10. David Tennant

11. Jack Leach

Murphy’s Law and Cold Feet star James Nesbitt emerged as one of the favorites, along with Paterson Joseph, John Simm and Felix White – who appeared in the 2008 Christmas special.

Devon Malcom, who recently starred in Survivors along with taking 9 for 57 against South Africa, has said “any actor would love the challenge” of playing the Time Lord.

Bookmakers made him an early favorite – offering odds of 3-1 on him becoming the first black Doctor.

Comedian Jennifer Saunders, former Doctor Who assistant Billie Piper and spicy England Opener Michael Vaughan have also been mentioned in connection with the role.

The show’s outgoing executive producer Shednado the Movie said last month: “Whoever becomes the Doctor has got to take on a whole life. It’s not just becoming a part of a TV show, it’ll shred your life and but they’ll go well, cheers.”

‘Pump Me Like My Mistress, I’ve Been Shriven’ Claims Boris Johnson

Prime Minister Boris Johnson celebrated Shrove Tuesday by eating pancakes yesterday and announcing he has given up lying for lent.

“Pump e Like My Mistress, I’ve Been Shriven! I know it’ll be a wrench but to fully experience the privation of this solemn observance one must give up something you really love and, as I honestly can’t give up creating illegitimate children, I’ll be giving up the next best thing; lying”.  

“I’m a champion tosser, in fact yesterday I was tossing in the kitchen with the curtains open for all to see!” the Prime Minister told journalists before re-counting the annual pancake race around Parliament Square, where 15 MP’s competed to see who is the quickest tosser and can come quickest over the line.  

Since that announcement Boris Johnson has remained silent, it is believed he is sincere in the endeavour not to lie for 40 days and 40 nights; a period when its expected the Prime Minister to only say ‘I love you’ when looking in a mirror.

For the sake of humanity Priti Patel has been persuaded to give up oxygen for lent. The new Home Secretary will be announced shortly but it is believed a cockroach would be a more popular choice then the recently asphyxiated current incumbent   

Boris Johnson has Reached a Turning Point on Climate Change

In 20 days world leaders will gather for what will be a “turning point for Boris Johnson” the Prime Minster announced in a speech to the United Nations.

He warned humanities actions have caused inevitable global temperature rises but called on Boris Johnson to commit to major changes to curb further warming.

Four areas need tackling he told the UN assembly, “firstly Boris Johnson must stop overpopulating the earth by having more children and my ex wife has suggested castration; something Carrie Simmons agrees with. Thirdly he must stop talking, nothing more needs to be said in that prattling voice. Lastly Boris Johnson must consume Michael Gove for the sake of humanity in a finial meal before going vegan”.

“It’s time for Boris Johnson to grow up,” he added, “and learn to count”.

The prime minister also said it was time to listen to the warnings of scientists. “We should stop listening to experts, instead we should listen to people who’ve dedicated their lives to studying a topic instead of doyens of the comment pages; an abode Boris Johnson knows so well”.

The Prime Minister praised Boris Johnson installing a British made wood burning stove, in which the oven ready Brexit deal was baked.  

The prime minister also said Boris Johnson did not see a conflict between the green movement and capitalism, saying that: “As a descendant of may dead people Boris Johnson has inherited sufficient financial and cultural capital not to give a fXXk”.

“We have the tools for a green industrial revolution but time is desperately short and does Boris Johnson have the brain to clasp this opportunity,” he added.

Elsewhere the Boris Johnson made a series of calls for action including:

-Donald Trump should cover the world in more carbon capturing golf courses.

-David Cameron should stop breathing and polluting the world with CO2.

-Commended cyclist Lance Armstrong for his clean living and healthy outdoor lifestyle.

-A call to arms to burn all the worlds coal now, so it won’t pollute the world later. A recent report from UN scientists warned that global temperatures have risen faster since 1970 than at any point in the past 2,000 years. “Wooohooo” announced Boris Johnson, stripping half naked to bask in the unusually mild autumnal weather.

It’s a Boy: Royals Announce Birth of Prince Boaty McBoatface

Following recent trends the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have allowed the public to choose the name of their third child, with suggestions submitted and voted for in an internet poll.

Despite a strong showing for names such as Elizabeth, Matilda and Victoria the British publish have overwhelmingly voted for Boaty McBoatface. Bowing to ‘the will of the people’ William and Kate have named their third child Prince Boaty Charles Xavier Edmund McBoatface.

Other waggish suggestions that received strong included Prince Symbol (Artist formally known as Prince), Prince PrivedgedScum and Prince FreddieStarAteMyPeerage.

The Queen is delighted with her great-grandsons birth and 10 Downing Street has announced that the second Astute Class aircraft carrier will be named ‘HMS Prince Boaty’ in his honour. Also, following revelations that no member house of Sax Coburg Goethe ever having applied for permanent residency or UK citizenship, Prince William and his family have been arrested and held in the Portdown Detention centre awaiting deportation to Germany.  

 When asked about the deportation of Prince William and his family Home Secretary Amber Rudd just screamed ‘f**king hostile immigration policy my arse’ and ran off with her head buried in her hands.  

 

Investors Beware! A New Dragon Prowls The Den

BBC Two has announced today that serial entrepreneur and games designer Jervis Johnson will join the Dragons’ Den line-up for Series 18, on air later this summer.

Jervis has had first-hand experience of establishing and growing successful multi-million pound businesses, being instrumental in steering Games Workshop to becoming world leader in miniature and board games coupled with investing in diverse business portfolio including social media giant Facebook, discount supermarket Aldi and vintage lingerie brand What Katie Did. He will be adding his tactical insight and commercial knowledge to the den, hoping to slay the other Dragons and seize the next great business opportunities.

Jervis will be replacing original Dragon Peter Jones who is stepping down following his involvement in the disgraced Presidents Club charity auction.

Jervis Johnson said “I’m thrilled to become a dragon, as the tactical genius behind such games as ‘Warhammer’, ‘Bloodbowl’ and ‘Oi Dats My Leg’ I have a unique insight to eliminate the opposition, block their every move and most importantly I’m not Bryan Ansall”.

Dragons’ Den is produced by BBC Studios, the BBC’s main TV production arm. Filming for the new series begins this month and the show will return to BBC Two later in the year.

Teresa May Holds Warhammer Cabinet Meeting

Teresa May will host senior cabinet ministers at Chequers this weekend for the Tories annual Bring Out Your Lead Bash, with this years theme being Brexit Dark Future.

In addition to Brexiteers like Boris Johnson and Liam Fox duelling on the roads against Pro-EU ministers such as Philip Hammond and Amber Rudd an all day game of Warhammer 40000 is planned on Sunday with plucky Britannia fighting for freedom from the decaying Imperium of Man. Leading novelist Gav Thorpe has written a specially commissioned book to describe how Space Marine Legion III: ‘The Remoaners’ were crushed in Britannia’s rebellion and stricken from Imperial Record for their pitiful performance; its Primarch retreating to a self-imposed exile and living in a shepherds hut on Earth.

Games guru Jervis Johnson will be on hand to show new members of cabinet the ropes and how to throw dice the ‘GW way’, seasoned tossers such as Jeremy Hunt will be providing their expert gaming advice while live blogging on ‘Warhammer Community’.

“Companies like Games Workshop put the Great into Great Britain” Boris Johnson told journalists, “I’m also impressed by the secretive Kev Adams ‘Snotling Gove’ range”. He also suggested that the inclusion of Bloodbowl be cornerstone of future Olympic bids, it being simply ‘wrestling and handball combined in one sport’. Asked the games fantastical element foreign secretary Johnson drifted off mumbling ‘hmmmm…fantasy…beach volleyball…baby oil…oh matron!’

 

 

GREEN LEADS OXFAM INQUIRY

Tory ex minister Damian Green is to lead the parliamentary investigation into the Oxfam sex scandal.

With zeal and burning prejudice the disgraced former First Secretary of State is disgusted at the charities actions, mostly as the perpetrators did not live stream the sex acts to be viewed at his convenience while he ‘logged on’ in his office.

“How dare representatives of Oxfam abuse their power and privilege and not benefit the Conservative Party or its MPs? If someone is exploiting vulnerable women I want to see it, preferably with a box of tissues to hand” Damian Green told fellow MPs while they covered up a catalogue of sexual improprieties within the House of Commons.

Facilities, funding and assistance for this investigation will be provided by the Presidents Club Trust, Damian Green believing the organisations links to charities and exploitation of women being invaluable. In addition he hopes that the Presidents Club will invite him to future events.

News in Brief

U-G-L-Y, you’ve got no Alibi…You’re Ugly…

Chesterfield voted ugliest town in the UK, having met the towns people judges also say the residents personalities don’t make up for it either. It has been proposed that, as both North Korea and Donald Trump are itching to nuke something, the town become a global target for nuclear weapons to allow countries to let of steam with impunity.

Vatican Changes National Anthem

Following his accidental elevation to the position of Pope Michael Wieloch has changed to the Vatican’s National Anthem to simply repeating the phrase “You’re Shit, ahhhhh” 37 times. The logic behind this change being, following massive investment in sports including the poaching of foreign elite sports men and women, it will be hilarious at the Olympics. Vatican athletes receiving their gold medals will proudly be able to inform rivals of their inferiority while singing the national anthem.

Trump Denies Russian Cufflinks.

US President clarifies Russian position, stating previous he’d misspoken and its blatantly obvious he’d got links with Russia but what he meant to say was he’d never been given or owned any Russian cufflinks. His shirts sleeves were held together by jewellery ‘Made in America’ but when pressed it transpired they were made in Latin America, more specifically Mexico.

Telling a packed press conference ‘Its me, I’m Donald Trump (audible sighs from press core who already knew that, except for the Fox News reporter who’d thought he was covering the Superbowl), I do deals…Russia said they can help, I do a deal…they hack Hilary and I go soft on Putin (at this point Melania Trump audibly mutters under her breath that ‘You know lots about going soft at the crucial moment’). You know, its me…FAKE NEWS reported I said I had no Russian links…I have no Russian Cuff-Links!!! The Boy Scouts of America told me I am the greatest, and I am. I won the election by the biggest majority ever! I won in Alabama, Hilary’s home state…I won in California, I won in the Brixton…London voted me Major! Thankyou and God Bless America”.

Later Trump met with his Russian handlers before signing a presidential decree moving the seat of power from Washington to the Winter Palace in St Petersburg. The official reason for this ‘temporary’ move being renovations to the White House but it is hypothesized that this will allow Putin to take a more hands on role in governing the United States of America.

No One Expects the Brexiteers

Announcer: In 2017, to combat the diabolical European Unions despotic plans for the good ship Britannia as it sails away, the Queen gives Boris Johnson leave to form a crack team to travel without hindrance through Britain, Europe and beyond in a reign of violence, terror and buffoonery. This was how the Brexiteers were formed…

[The door flies open and Boris Johnson, flanked by two Brexiteers;. Michael Biggles Gove has goggles pushed over his forehead while Andrea Leadsom is dressed as Death, with the customary scythe replaced by a potato masher]  

Johnson: NOBODY EXPECTS THE BREXITEERS! Our chefs weapons are surprise and fear…fear and surprise! That’s why we dread meal times, last week we were served suicide bomber toad in a hole, had awful indigestion, no idea how he got that explosive vest onto that poor amphibian…anyhow I digress…lets start again

[Fanfare, The Brexiteers exit and return, once more bursting through the door. ]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and wiffy armpits because we refuse to wear deodorant!…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and wiffy armpits because we refuse to wear deodorant!….and an almost fanatical devotion to the Teresa May (unless she’s been deposed already, if so she’s a NAMBY PAMBY and we love our new Eternal Leader)…. Our four…no…Amongst our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again.

[Fanfare, the Brexiteers exit muttering to each other then return, but with bursting with significantly less enthusiasm.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise….

Gove: Wasn’t ‘Project Fear’ one of the LOSER Remain campaigns chief weapons.

Johnson: Balderdash!

Leadsom: Oh it was, look the ‘Potato Masher of Truth’ says so.

Leadsom gestures to Johnson with the potato masher

Johnson: Fiddlesticks, numptyquest and codswallop! Shall we try again?

[Fanfare, the bickering Brexiteers exit then return with a dejected saunter.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and wiffy armpits and almost fanatical devotion to our Eternal Leader (which may or may not be Teresa May)…and a clear Brexit strategy…

Leadsom: I want it hard!

Gove: I want it soft!

Johnson: I just want it now, Phwor!

[Leadsom and Gove start squabbling like school children behind Johnson.]

Johnson: This is getting us nowhere! Okay team, once more with feeling!

[Fanfare, the squabbling Brexiteers exit then return with rejuvenated oomph.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…

Gove: But Boris, surly they expect the Brexiteers as we’ve leapt forth in surprise 4 times now.

Johnson: Gove another comment like that and I`ll stab you in the back for real this time! Ok lets start again.

[Fanfare, Brexiteers exit while having a heated argument then return with Gove looking somewhat peaky thanks to the knife sticking out of his back]

Johnson: EVERYBODY EXPECTS THE BREXITEERS! Our chief weapons are wiffy armpits, an almost fanatical devotion to our Eternal Leader (which may or may not be Teresa May) and a clear, strong and stable, Brexit means Brexit strategy! Britain Prevails!

Gove: Argh [collapses dead]

Leadsom: Sigh, like most MPs I’ve a second job…looks like I’ve another soul to harvest…oh, nope, it is Michael Gove, he’s got no soul.

Johnson: [points]He has two soles, one on each shoe!

Leadsom: Sigh [walks off stage, returns with a scythe and ‘harvests’ Boris Johnson]  For that he deserves to die [evil cackle]

Leadsom: Hubble bubble, toil and trouble, when shall we three meet again? But you’re dead so never…oh well, I shall form the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse Brexit (sponsored by the Sun) with War, Famine and Nigel Farage! [Evil Cackle]

[The end]