News in Brief

U-G-L-Y, you’ve got no Alibi…You’re Ugly…

Chesterfield voted ugliest town in the UK, having met the towns people judges also say the residents personalities don’t make up for it either. It has been proposed that, as both North Korea and Donald Trump are itching to nuke something, the town become a global target for nuclear weapons to allow countries to let of steam with impunity.

Vatican Changes National Anthem

Following his accidental elevation to the position of Pope Michael Wieloch has changed to the Vatican’s National Anthem to simply repeating the phrase “You’re Shit, ahhhhh” 37 times. The logic behind this change being, following massive investment in sports including the poaching of foreign elite sports men and women, it will be hilarious at the Olympics. Vatican athletes receiving their gold medals will proudly be able to inform rivals of their inferiority while singing the national anthem.

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Trump Denies Russian Cufflinks.

US President clarifies Russian position, stating previous he’d misspoken and its blatantly obvious he’d got links with Russia but what he meant to say was he’d never been given or owned any Russian cufflinks. His shirts sleeves were held together by jewellery ‘Made in America’ but when pressed it transpired they were made in Latin America, more specifically Mexico.

Telling a packed press conference ‘Its me, I’m Donald Trump (audible sighs from press core who already knew that, except for the Fox News reporter who’d thought he was covering the Superbowl), I do deals…Russia said they can help, I do a deal…they hack Hilary and I go soft on Putin (at this point Melania Trump audibly mutters under her breath that ‘You know lots about going soft at the crucial moment’). You know, its me…FAKE NEWS reported I said I had no Russian links…I have no Russian Cuff-Links!!! The Boy Scouts of America told me I am the greatest, and I am. I won the election by the biggest majority ever! I won in Alabama, Hilary’s home state…I won in California, I won in the Brixton…London voted me Major! Thankyou and God Bless America”.

Later Trump met with his Russian handlers before signing a presidential decree moving the seat of power from Washington to the Winter Palace in St Petersburg. The official reason for this ‘temporary’ move being renovations to the White House but it is hypothesized that this will allow Putin to take a more hands on role in governing the United States of America.

No One Expects the Brexiteers

Announcer: In 2017, to combat the diabolical European Unions despotic plans for the good ship Britannia as it sails away, the Queen gives Boris Johnson leave to form a crack team to travel without hindrance through Britain, Europe and beyond in a reign of violence, terror and buffoonery. This was how the Brexiteers were formed…

[The door flies open and Boris Johnson, flanked by two Brexiteers;. Michael Biggles Gove has goggles pushed over his forehead while Andrea Leadsom is dressed as Death, with the customary scythe replaced by a potato masher]  

Johnson: NOBODY EXPECTS THE BREXITEERS! Our chefs weapons are surprise and fear…fear and surprise! That’s why we dread meal times, last week we were served suicide bomber toad in a hole, had awful indigestion, no idea how he got that explosive vest onto that poor amphibian…anyhow I digress…lets start again

[Fanfare, The Brexiteers exit and return, once more bursting through the door. ]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and wiffy armpits because we refuse to wear deodorant!…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and wiffy armpits because we refuse to wear deodorant!….and an almost fanatical devotion to the Teresa May (unless she’s been deposed already, if so she’s a NAMBY PAMBY and we love our new Eternal Leader)…. Our four…no…Amongst our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again.

[Fanfare, the Brexiteers exit muttering to each other then return, but with bursting with significantly less enthusiasm.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise….

Gove: Wasn’t ‘Project Fear’ one of the LOSER Remain campaigns chief weapons.

Johnson: Balderdash!

Leadsom: Oh it was, look the ‘Potato Masher of Truth’ says so.

Leadsom gestures to Johnson with the potato masher

Johnson: Fiddlesticks, numptyquest and codswallop! Shall we try again?

[Fanfare, the bickering Brexiteers exit then return with a dejected saunter.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and wiffy armpits and almost fanatical devotion to our Eternal Leader (which may or may not be Teresa May)…and a clear Brexit strategy…

Leadsom: I want it hard!

Gove: I want it soft!

Johnson: I just want it now, Phwor!

[Leadsom and Gove start squabbling like school children behind Johnson.]

Johnson: This is getting us nowhere! Okay team, once more with feeling!

[Fanfare, the squabbling Brexiteers exit then return with rejuvenated oomph.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…

Gove: But Boris, surly they expect the Brexiteers as we’ve leapt forth in surprise 4 times now.

Johnson: Gove another comment like that and I`ll stab you in the back for real this time! Ok lets start again.

[Fanfare, Brexiteers exit while having a heated argument then return with Gove looking somewhat peaky thanks to the knife sticking out of his back]

Johnson: EVERYBODY EXPECTS THE BREXITEERS! Our chief weapons are wiffy armpits, an almost fanatical devotion to our Eternal Leader (which may or may not be Teresa May) and a clear, strong and stable, Brexit means Brexit strategy! Britain Prevails!

Gove: Argh [collapses dead]

Leadsom: Sigh, like most MPs I’ve a second job…looks like I’ve another soul to harvest…oh, nope, it is Michael Gove, he’s got no soul.

Johnson: [points]He has two soles, one on each shoe!

Leadsom: Sigh [walks off stage, returns with a scythe and ‘harvests’ Boris Johnson]  For that he deserves to die [evil cackle]

Leadsom: Hubble bubble, toil and trouble, when shall we three meet again? But you’re dead so never…oh well, I shall form the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse Brexit (sponsored by the Sun) with War, Famine and Nigel Farage! [Evil Cackle]

[The end]

David Cameron Claims Pigs are “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores!”

Following his comments regarding nurses being “selfish” for wanting a pay rise in line with inflation David Cameron has caused further controversy by calling the pigs “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores,” during a Newsnight then declaring “and I like it!” while looking to camera and winking.

It seems that since leaving office the former Prime Minister has returned to his student hobby of “goosing the pork” along with dressing in his Bullingdon Uniform and trashing restaurants. Unfortunately Cameron usually is arrested on route to the eatery, his budging waist line and refusal to wear underwear resulting in the uniform revealing an indecent amount of sausage.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 24.05.17

Guardians of the Galaxy

Following a spate of thefts form the staff fridge Chesterfield University Hospitals will be employing the services of Thug and Brutish Security Services to ensure CEO Professor David Chivers chocolate does not get stolen. These guardians of the Galaxy bar will require staff to show ID before removing any item of food or drink from the fridge along with being fingerprinted and having a DNA sample taken to assist with outstanding investigations into food thefts.

Is there a Doctor in the Building

Following recent staffing changes, and numerous redundancies, Chesterfield University Hospitals is requesting that if there is a medically qualified doctor within the building please can they report to A&E to treat an emergency.

It transpires that during ‘the night of the long knives’ Human Resources culled all highly paid members of staff, including all doctors and consultants, leaving the hospital critically understaffed. For this error irrational punitive measures have been taken and the whole Procurement team have been sacked and replaced by deliveries from Tesco’s Direct thus the hospital has no syringes but has saved 75p on a toilet roll multibuy.

Chesterfield University Hospital Hit by Hack Crisis!

A serious incident has been announced at Chesterfield University Hospitals after land around the hospital has been sold to cretinious property developers.  Previously this was owned by Finnermore Hild, who allowed senior staff within the hospital to ride freely upon the land and board meetings often took place while enjoying a pleasurable hack through the countryside.

Following Finnermore Hilds untimely death after utilizing the services of another, inept, hospital his inheriting son has seen the opportunity to acquire some filthy lucre and sell the land to the highest bidder.

Until an alternative solution to this crisis has been provided allowing the CEO, Dr David Chivers, the capacity to manage the hospital while rampaging through the nearby countryside on horseback a serious incident has been called and all leave has been cancelled.

Dr Chivers telling journalists that if he’s going to suffer “So should all staff”.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 09/05/17

This Hospital is Not an Shortcut

Descendants of elderly patients should not use Chesterfield University Hospitals as a shortcut to their inheritance, the doctors within this place of healing are not to be asked to ‘bump off mummy or daddy’ to enable children to get a foothold on the housing market.

Medical staff receive 400 to 650 requests a week and those making these demands will be fined £5000 if their relative dies within a week of the request unless a £50 donation is made to the hospital charity.

Celebrating Midwifery

To celebrate International Day of the Midwife the Rose Gamgee team promoted birth by holding reproductive workshops. Couples will be first instructed in the best way to ‘make a baby’ then left alone to practice, a live stream of which can be viewed on the hospital website for £5.99 an hour.

Staff Bank Drop in Session

All staff are invited to a drop in session with new Head of Temporary Staff, ex WWE wrestler The Undertaker, tomorrow from 13:00 to 15:00

The Undertaker will listen to complaints and suggestions with an open mind and promises not to bury the careers of those who moan, whinge or show a level of independence from the hospitals corporate ‘group think’.

A&E is expected to be busy during this period as porters will be on hand to transport those who disagree with the Undertaker straight to the departments hard plastic chairs and there enjoy a 8 hour wait, before being patronised by a doctor and sent home with paracetamol despite probable broken limbs.