‘Pump Me Like My Mistress, I’ve Been Shriven’ Claims Boris Johnson

Prime Minister Boris Johnson celebrated Shrove Tuesday by eating pancakes yesterday and announcing he has given up lying for lent.

“Pump e Like My Mistress, I’ve Been Shriven! I know it’ll be a wrench but to fully experience the privation of this solemn observance one must give up something you really love and, as I honestly can’t give up creating illegitimate children, I’ll be giving up the next best thing; lying”.  

“I’m a champion tosser, in fact yesterday I was tossing in the kitchen with the curtains open for all to see!” the Prime Minister told journalists before re-counting the annual pancake race around Parliament Square, where 15 MP’s competed to see who is the quickest tosser and can come quickest over the line.  

Since that announcement Boris Johnson has remained silent, it is believed he is sincere in the endeavour not to lie for 40 days and 40 nights; a period when its expected the Prime Minister to only say ‘I love you’ when looking in a mirror.

For the sake of humanity Priti Patel has been persuaded to give up oxygen for lent. The new Home Secretary will be announced shortly but it is believed a cockroach would be a more popular choice then the recently asphyxiated current incumbent   


It’s a Boy: Royals Announce Birth of Prince Boaty McBoatface

Following recent trends the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have allowed the public to choose the name of their third child, with suggestions submitted and voted for in an internet poll.

Despite a strong showing for names such as Elizabeth, Matilda and Victoria the British publish have overwhelmingly voted for Boaty McBoatface. Bowing to ‘the will of the people’ William and Kate have named their third child Prince Boaty Charles Xavier Edmund McBoatface.

Other waggish suggestions that received strong included Prince Symbol (Artist formally known as Prince), Prince PrivedgedScum and Prince FreddieStarAteMyPeerage.

The Queen is delighted with her great-grandsons birth and 10 Downing Street has announced that the second Astute Class aircraft carrier will be named ‘HMS Prince Boaty’ in his honour. Also, following revelations that no member house of Sax Coburg Goethe ever having applied for permanent residency or UK citizenship, Prince William and his family have been arrested and held in the Portdown Detention centre awaiting deportation to Germany.  

 When asked about the deportation of Prince William and his family Home Secretary Amber Rudd just screamed ‘f**king hostile immigration policy my arse’ and ran off with her head buried in her hands.  


No One Expects the Brexiteers

Announcer: In 2017, to combat the diabolical European Unions despotic plans for the good ship Britannia as it sails away, the Queen gives Boris Johnson leave to form a crack team to travel without hindrance through Britain, Europe and beyond in a reign of violence, terror and buffoonery. This was how the Brexiteers were formed…

[The door flies open and Boris Johnson, flanked by two Brexiteers;. Michael Biggles Gove has goggles pushed over his forehead while Andrea Leadsom is dressed as Death, with the customary scythe replaced by a potato masher]  

Johnson: NOBODY EXPECTS THE BREXITEERS! Our chefs weapons are surprise and fear…fear and surprise! That’s why we dread meal times, last week we were served suicide bomber toad in a hole, had awful indigestion, no idea how he got that explosive vest onto that poor amphibian…anyhow I digress…lets start again

[Fanfare, The Brexiteers exit and return, once more bursting through the door. ]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and wiffy armpits because we refuse to wear deodorant!…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and wiffy armpits because we refuse to wear deodorant!….and an almost fanatical devotion to the Teresa May (unless she’s been deposed already, if so she’s a NAMBY PAMBY and we love our new Eternal Leader)…. Our four…no…Amongst our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again.

[Fanfare, the Brexiteers exit muttering to each other then return, but with bursting with significantly less enthusiasm.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise….

Gove: Wasn’t ‘Project Fear’ one of the LOSER Remain campaigns chief weapons.

Johnson: Balderdash!

Leadsom: Oh it was, look the ‘Potato Masher of Truth’ says so.

Leadsom gestures to Johnson with the potato masher

Johnson: Fiddlesticks, numptyquest and codswallop! Shall we try again?

[Fanfare, the bickering Brexiteers exit then return with a dejected saunter.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and wiffy armpits and almost fanatical devotion to our Eternal Leader (which may or may not be Teresa May)…and a clear Brexit strategy…

Leadsom: I want it hard!

Gove: I want it soft!

Johnson: I just want it now, Phwor!

[Leadsom and Gove start squabbling like school children behind Johnson.]

Johnson: This is getting us nowhere! Okay team, once more with feeling!

[Fanfare, the squabbling Brexiteers exit then return with rejuvenated oomph.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…

Gove: But Boris, surly they expect the Brexiteers as we’ve leapt forth in surprise 4 times now.

Johnson: Gove another comment like that and I`ll stab you in the back for real this time! Ok lets start again.

[Fanfare, Brexiteers exit while having a heated argument then return with Gove looking somewhat peaky thanks to the knife sticking out of his back]

Johnson: EVERYBODY EXPECTS THE BREXITEERS! Our chief weapons are wiffy armpits, an almost fanatical devotion to our Eternal Leader (which may or may not be Teresa May) and a clear, strong and stable, Brexit means Brexit strategy! Britain Prevails!

Gove: Argh [collapses dead]

Leadsom: Sigh, like most MPs I’ve a second job…looks like I’ve another soul to harvest…oh, nope, it is Michael Gove, he’s got no soul.

Johnson: [points]He has two soles, one on each shoe!

Leadsom: Sigh [walks off stage, returns with a scythe and ‘harvests’ Boris Johnson]  For that he deserves to die [evil cackle]

Leadsom: Hubble bubble, toil and trouble, when shall we three meet again? But you’re dead so never…oh well, I shall form the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse Brexit (sponsored by the Sun) with War, Famine and Nigel Farage! [Evil Cackle]

[The end]

University of Chesterfield: Newsletter 92

Message from the Regis

You’re all not me nor as rich as me…plebs!

£50 Awarded to Create World Leading Water Boiling Facilities

The University of Chesterfield has been granted the prestigious PG Tips Foundation Invigoration Award, promoting first class tea drinking within academia. A team, led by Chaplain Stephen Faizer, will work to read online reviews of all mid-priced kettles then utilizing this insightful data to purchase the best kettle two ‘ponies’ can buy; ensuring all university staff are refreshed though out the day.

Dr David Chivers, Emeritus Professor of Apathy and Stuff said “This award means this university will, well, yeah, whatever, words, stuff”.

Farewell to Professor Jones – Retracted

Last week we said goodbye to Ernest Jones, Professor of Imaginary, Illusory and Fantastical Medicine. We would like to retract this fond farewell, Professor Jones has not left the University of Chesterfield but was not seen for the last 3 month after falling down the back of the sofa.

Only when the sofa was received it annual hoovering were Ernest Jones’ cries for help heard, having survived on a diet of half sucked boiled sweets and discarded peanuts.

Also behind the sofa was three sets of keys, the Bursars dried frog pills and a Holy Grail that a group of irritating Frenchmen had hidden to prevent it reaching the hands of King Arthur and his stupid English knigarts.

Trump links Warhammer World with Unreported Terrorism

img_1926Donald Trump’s claims that the media is covering up terrorist attacks committed by fundamentalists followed his reading of the Warhammer 40K Wiki and believing it to be real, Wikipedia being the Presidents second choice for authoritative information on a subject after The Onion.

Speaking to military leaders, Mr Trump said: “It’s gotten to a point where terrorism is not even being reported. Has the Washington Post reported the Istvaan III Atrocity? No! Has the New York Times reported the Istvaan III Atrocity? Thousands died and the media is filled with lies and fake news!”

The President seems to have failed to separate fact from fiction, refusing to accept that the grim dark world of Warhammer 40K is nothing but the imagination of Nottingham based games company Games Workshop.

“Istvaan III is somewhere near Afghanistan, controlled by China, you understand that” Trump informed military leaders and when unable to locate the country in an atlas dismissed it as a “Fake Obama map” then started drawing his own which included notes such as ‘Nuke Mr Tumble’, ‘Here be TellyTubbies’ and ‘Donald and Malinda Love Iggle Piggle’ confirming reports that the President relaxes watching British preschool television.

Also included in Trumps map were the North African nation of Mordor, a British Isles that disturbingly looked like a penis and Oceania being an unrecognisable scribble with ‘Lalala, I can’t get Kylies bum out of my head’ below it.

The White House also released a list of attacks they felt “did not receive adequate attention from Western media sources”, the list includes many erroneous historical events that predate the printing press. “Did CNN send journalists to report the Muslim attacks on the Roman Empire? NO!” Sean Spicer told the media in his daily briefing, citing this as evidence to support his case.

Trump has also begun attributing quotes by the Space Wolves Primarch to Vladimir Putin, with sources within the White House suggesting that the President believes the Russian Premier and Leman Russ being one and the same.


Well a Priest Anyhow…

A shock supreme court decision declared Teresa May will be unable to trigger Article 50, to leave the European Union, without express permission from Stephen Griffiths. Unbeknown to most the European Harmony Act 1984 included statute 7, ‘No attempt to leave the European Economic Area or successive organization may occur without consent of Harold Godwinsons heir, true successor to the crown of England; forsaking the yoke of Gilliam the Bastard and his Norman usurpers’.

This statute was added to the act by Kenneth Clarke following a wild night in Soho, while drinking in the Coach and Horses Peter O’Toole bet the then junior minister the pricy sum of £10 that he could not get ‘Gilliam the Bastard’ into an Act of Parliament.

Following extensive genealogical research and DNA testing it was confirmed that the oldest living male heir to Harold Godwinson is hospital Chaplin Stephen Griffith who, when contacted with this news, formally submitted a claim to the thrones of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland but he does not want Berwick Upon Tweet ‘Because I’m a contrary bastard and when I visited there in 2008 I got stung by a wasp’. Enacting the ancient tradition of ‘Trial by Combat’ the Stephen is scheduled to fight the Queen, with this cultural event broadcast live on BBC4.

In addition Stephen Griffith has insisted that he be announced as the new Doctor, replacing Peter Capaldi, with Karen Gilliam returning as his companion to help with his sonic screwdriver.

Being a member of the Church of England Stephen will officially ‘sit on the fence’ and is refusing to take a position on Brexit, only after 100 years and numerous synods will a decision be taken whether to allow the United Kingdom to leave the European Union.

WARHAMMER WORLD – The Trump Doctrine


Once installed as President of the United States of America Donald Trump is set to rename Earth ‘Warhammer World’. In addition Trump will declare himself to be the living embodiment of Warmaster Horus tasked with conquering humanity in the names of the ruinous powers Khorne, Tzeentch, Slaanesh and Jervis Johnson.

All Abrams tanks will be designated  ‘Land Raiders’ and NATO allies defined as the ‘Imperial Guard’ and expected to perform their duties utilizing the guidance within that learned tome of military discipline ‘The Imperial Guardsman’s Uplifting Primer’.

“It’s perfect” Trump told journalists from his Warbarge floating on the Birmingham to Liverpool canal, “Our geopolitical enemy is China and, according to that learned digest ‘Slaves to Darkness’, the Emperors palace was in the Himalayas …we’ll be fighting over identical territory”.

“Alas there are no Titans but after talking to Vince McMann the WWE will be loaning us ‘The Big Show’. This giant will dress up as a Reaver while John Cena and Shamus will don Warhound costumes…let say we’ve got this angel covered” Trump continued after learning that ‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’ was not a documentary.

When asked about his route to Chaos Trump declared that the corruption started after meeting two denizens of Khorne known as ‘Saint and Greavsie’ who, under the cover of the Rumbelows Cup Draw, subverted the real estate tycoon. Other meetings with agents of the other chaos powers fortified this degeneration until he was crowned Lord of Chaos undivided in Nottingham by Jervis Johnson, Rick Priestly, Andy Chambers and Bryan Ansell in 1996 as England were knocked out of Euro Championships.

Since that day Trump has been conducting proxy wars, all designed to result in his eventual triumph at the ballot box and ultimate destiny of being the true Emperor of Humanity. The only false step being when he was almost outed as an agent of Chaos in 2012 but Champion of Tzeentch Vladimir Putin had Alexander Litvinenko assassinated with warpstone.

In the new grim dark Warhammer world there will only be war, and sexual harassment in accordance to the 6 laws of Slaanesh.

NEWS FLASH: Following a cease and desist letter from Games Workshops lawyers the Earth will not be renamed ‘Warhammer World’. Donald Trump has been stripped of his presidency and will be replaced by Jervis Johnson. Senior officers within the US military are thrilled with their new commander in chief, stating that “We’ve read his battle reports in White Dwarf and is only because of bad luck and poor dice roles that this great man has never actually won a game”

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 01/11/16

Mr Kipling Sponsors A&E

Following in-depth, and more importantly very expensive, research by ParasitesWastrelsCharlatans it has been ascertained that A&E is governed by the equation  E=MC and in times of crisis it becomes E=MC2. In lay womans terms it means a hospitals capacity to cope with an Emergency it’s the number of Medics multiplied by the availability of Cake. The greater the magnitude of emergency the greater the need for cake.

Following of from this ground-breaking research Mr Kipling are proud to sponsor Chesterfield University Hospitals ‘Exceedingly Good Accident and Emergency Department’. The free cake for consultants, subsidised cake for consultants and no discounts for nurses (well the little ladies need help to keep their figures) will result in top class service being provided and waiting targets hit month in, month out. In addition to this hospital security will be sponsored by Anasol as they will now be empowered to rid of irritating pains in bum or members of the public who’ve rocked up at A&E with non-emergency conditions.

Tory Candidate Quits Following Email Row

Everyone vote, afterwards giggle at this


MP Jackson Stewart resigns as Conservative candidate for the Borough of Peter to spend more time playing with his honourable member.

Following the Social Media storm caused an email exchange with constituent Sullivan O’Laura, during which stating “Feel Free to never contact me again” when O’Laura disagreed with his views on gay marriage, Jackson Steward had what he describes as an “A1 to Damascus” moment.

“Never before have I been called a wanker so much and after a long hard look who Jackson Stewart really was I realised I could no longer can devote myself to front line politics, instead my days will be devoted to front line fondling. Onanism is my calling and barring repetitive strain injury my left hand will be put to use doing what it was made for”.

Pressure group ComeClean has praised Jackson Stewart for his bravery, stating “It is recognized that there are many…

View original post 72 more words

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 8th April 2015

Q: Who Pays for NHS Fraud?

A: The tax payer! As all board members of Chesterfield University Hospitals have tax exempt non domicile status it’s not them thus if any employee using the public purse for clandestine private profit it’s all ok with them! A 10% fee will be levied on all disclosed scams or swindles, for this the perpetrator will receive protected status and Chesterfield University Hospitals will turn two blind eyes, refusing to assist law enforcement officials with any enquiries.

Prayer for a Pony

Well a horse actually, Lead Chaplain Steve Proudlove will be leading prayers on Friday in the Chapel in the hope it’ll assist JeepersCreepers as it attempts the Grand National. With odds of 10-1 Chesterfield University Hospitals hopes its £1m punt will come trumps up and wipe out the hospitals 2014/15 deficit in one fell swoop.

Share Your Experiences with the CQC

Staff are encouraged to share their experiences of Chesterfield University Hospitals with the Care Quality Commission during their visit from 21st to 24th April, raising any concerns or queries during these meetings.

Volunteer from senior management and nursing staff will be present at these meetings to take notes, it is NOT TO INTIMIDATE STAFF!!!! This cannot be stressed enough and any negative comments raised with the CQC will not have a detrimental impact upon the following months employee appraisals.

In additional HR have details of everyones home address thus WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! It is hoped that the CQC will not be too bothered by staff expressing their unease at goings on with Chesterfield University Hospitals.