Category Archives: Uncategorized

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Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Party pledges to bring failing political party into public ownership within two years of coming into power in the biggest reform of the UK’s parliamentary democracy since World War 2.

In a speech on Thursday, Labours Deputy Leader Angela Rayner said nationalisation “is not going to be easy and it will take hard graft, but it will be my mission to get the utter shambles that is the Conservative Party into a fit shape and deliver effective opposition by 2030”.

“The Great British electorate deserve better than this shambles who, as proved in the recent post PMQs pub quiz, don’t know their arse from their elbow”, the Labour Deputy Leader continued, “We will show we will make bold changes where the current Conservative party is failing with leaders such Truss, Sunak and Johnson along with MPs including Sebastian Fox, Michael Green and Grant Schaps”.

Labour insiders hailed the announcement as the moment the Conservative Party would become less reliant upon donations from unsavoury groups and individuals, and forced into supporting the smoking, gambling and pro Russia lobbies. “Conservative Party will become an agent for positive change instead of supporting their nefarious paymasters and being cunts to the common person” Rayner continued.

“It’s the hard working tax payer that pays the price of this sub optimal Conservative Party, at least in the 1980s and early 1990s the likes of Thatcher, Hurd, Howe, Major and Brandeth had va va voom…a sense of purpose and didn’t need Mr Tumble to show them how to count to ten”.  

However, the plans do not include nationalisation of Liz Truss and Boris Johnson even if they remain Conservative Party members, both being beyond redemption. Both former PM’s will be exiled to Rwanda along with Suella Braverman, a safe country so no security arrangements will be required to enable these individuals to start new lives. Hopefully this action will deter future MPs from acting like ‘”Mindless Fucking Idiots!” in the future.  

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News in Brief

William Wragg right to apologise, says Rishi Sunak

The Prime Minister has accepted the honey trap MP’s, William Wragg, apology.

“I would have liked to have my telephone number shared and naked photos be sent to me but alas this didn’t happen, William Wragg has apologised and s now making recompense. I am enjoying my daily dick pic; today it was a picture of Boris Johnson”.

Trump Eats Like a Pig

Off the record accounts on David Camerons meeting with Donald trump report that the former US President ‘eats like a pig’ with no idea which spoon to use for soup or aware that he should chew with his mouth closed. Rumours are unconfirmed that the Foreign Minister got aroused at Trumps hoglike troffing, reminding him of university days at the Bullingdon Club.

Wilson Had an Affair While In Home Guard

Former Prime Minister Harold Wilson had an affair while in the Home Guard it has been revealed. Mavis Pike, mother of fellow Home Guardsman Frank Pike, published letters between herself and Wilson in which their intimate relationship was detailed along with Wilsons burgeoning political ambitions as he helped the wartime cabinet as a civil servant. In the last letter, sent just after Wilsons marriage to Mary Baldwin, the future Prime Minister proclaimed his longing for Mavis to put his ‘pipe’ in her mouth one more time and that Frank Pike, despite Captain Mainwaring rightly calling him a ‘stupid boy’, has more brain cells than Lord Halifax and Lord Gort combined.

John Cena Not Hoopy Frood Who Knows Where His Towel Is

Despite being a mindbogglingly stupid animal the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal has eaten wrestler John Cene at Wrestlemania XL, becoming the WWE Heavyweight Champion in the process.

‘You can’t see me’ claimed the WWE wrestler, wafting his hand in front of his eyes to avoid the beasts gaze. Alas the daft as a brush animal loss of vision was only temporary and soon began chomping upon Mr Cena in front of a stunned 60000 audience.

Multiple stars ran in to help the stricken wrestler but all failed, eventually the crowd popped to cries of “Head, Head, Head” when the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal held Cena’s lifeless head to its face and started having a conversation with it.

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Sunak ‘Confident’ Can Get Car Up and Running

Prime minister sure he can lead family on trip to Legoland during Easter Holiday despite numerous setbacks.

‘I am committed to taking the children on the Dragon Ride and walking through the Miniland with his wife’ Sunak told journalists ‘This is important for the family, all I need to do is work out how to start the car and make the short drive to Windsor’.

Sunaks repeated attempts to get the car up and running have failed due to loosing keys, losing his way politically and losing his height boosting shoes required to make sure he’s tall enough to get on the rides.

The Prime Minister and his family are currently trapped in the stationary family car as Sunak refuses to relinquish driving duties despite being unsure what pedal does what in the automatic car. His children have asked him to step aside and let someone else have a go at leading the Legoland bound party, but Sunak has refused.

Its is reported that Penny Mordaunt has offered to help out, but she has publicly denied this.

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News in Thong!

Like news in brief but even shorter!

Historians studying the Royal Archives at Highgrove discovered Queen Victoria had 17 Husbands during her reign. Some of these husbands were other peoples and not her own. On 14th May 1854 she entertained six husbands in her Balmoral boudoir and afterwards informed Prime Minster Disraeli ‘One is not amused, one is sexually sated’.

According to this years A Level History Syllabus the ‘Diet of Worms’ was where Martin Luther and Charles V agreed to eat nought but protein rich wriggly creatures to loose weight, embarking on the first recorded Akins Diet. The Department of Education publicly claimed that hackers were responsible but trusted sources within the department blame Michael Gove.

Nine out of Ten Americans over the age of 40 believe that Chris Columbus discovered the Americas while having a break in the filming of Harry Potter and Philosophers Stone. Until the early 2000’s the continent was unknow to anyone beyond some vague references in Viking sagas and Hollywood movies.

In another colossal error of judgement The Post Office celebrated ‘World Forgiveness Day’ by releasing a stamp of Alan Bates and Paula Venelles embraced in a passionate kiss. Initially the Post Office claimed it was an undoctured photo on the stamp until journalists pointed out the obviously AI generated image included two people, six arms and Paula Venelles having the tongue of a viper.

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Order of the Phoenix Lose Second Wizarding War After Potter Doping Confirmed

The Order of the Phoenix and associated groups such as Dumbledores Army have been stripped of its 1998 Second Wizarding War victory after Harry Potter failed a doping test the Ministry of Magic have confirmed.

It found that Harry Potter used the banned substance ‘Felix Felicis’, and is the biggest doping scandal in the wizarding world since Ilvermorny alumni Lance Armstrong used a supply of Strengthening Solutions during his 5 Tour de France victories.

Potter has blamed his failed test on erroneous advice from Hogwarts Teacher Horace Slughorn. However, under the strict liability rules of the Wizarding Anti-Doping Agency, that is no defence.

In a statement Potter said: “I accept WADAs decision with sadness. I would like to make it clear that I unknowingly consumed a banned substance this was the reason why an anti-doping rule violation occurred. I sincerely regret that this has inadvertently led to the Order of the Phoenix’s  forfeiture of the Second Wizarding War. I would like to apologise to every Witch, Wizard and muggle alike for the impact which this has had on them. That is something I will regret for the rest of my life.”

The news means that the Death Eaters, led by Lord Voldemort, have been awarded the Second Wizarding War win. “Due to unscrupulous behaviour of drug cheat Harry Potter Lord Voldemort is no longer alive, Alecto and Amycus Carrow have been crowned victors and we now bow to their supreme authority” the new Minister of Magic Lucious Malfoy decreed after installing his son, Draco, as headmaster of Hogwarts.

All members of the Order of the Phoenix have been requested to report to Azkaban for internment, those who refuse this request will be hunted down with extreme prejudice. At Draco Malfoys request Ron Weasley has been pardoned as he poses no danger, even with wand in hand is armed but extremely useless, possessing the emotional range of a teaspoon and threat of kumquat.

Despite now living in a Death Eater dictatorship it has been observed that most of the United Kingdom have failed to notice anything unusual has occurred due to suffering from 12 years of Conservative government.

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Locals Brought Back to the Lake District

More than 200 captive-bred locals have been released at a secret location near Elsmere, a part of an attempt to create a thriving rural economy in Cumbria.

Locals have nearly been wiped out in many parts of the country due the lack of affordable housing and lack of jobs, with dwellings bought as second homes or converted into Air BnB’s.

This reintroduction is the first in the Lake District, with Locals given new homes at a temporary release glamping pen before being allocated residences after acclimatising to the local area.

 This release is the culmination of more than two years of work restoring community to Cumbria, a project that has included a campaign to ‘know thy neighbour’, replacing prevalence of ‘ignore thy neighbour and if they knock on the door turn the tele up/pretend you’re out’. ‘Love thy neighbour’ was briefly trialed but this was abandoned after a number of broken marriages, unwanted pregnancies and scandal when the priest married a parishioner and is now self-identifying as Catherine.

The project is managed by the Royal Society for the Protection of Commoners, according to the charity in the past century the population of locals has dropped from eight million to 132000, disappearing from 94% of the sites they’d previously occupied.

The RSPC was set up to lobby parliament with regards to field sports of Navvy Hunting and Serf Coursing and the shooting of labourers instead of paying them; common practice within the landed gentry. The push to escape these practices, along with the lack of rural employment and housing pulling commoners to the towns and cities has left Cumbria bereft of people to cook, clean and do menial jobs around the farm. This role was briefly filled with foreigners but thanks to voting overwhelming for Brexit the need for locals has been amplified.      

RSPB conservation scientist Dr Ashely Lyons said locals had become a “missing piece” of this landscape.

“Through their toils the local echo system works, they’re an important part of the chain enabling the lives of the privileged. It’s fabulous to see them back here.”

“It was exciting to set them free in the Cumbrian landscape”, Dame Eva Greaves, from the Westbourne Estate said, “its lovely to see locals back where they should be”. It is believed that Dame Eva will be providing accommodation and jobs for acclimatised locals, promising not to shoot, injure or maim any unlike her ancestors where ‘old Bessie’, an ancient blunderbuss, has over 50 kill notches upon its butt.  

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‘Pump Me Like My Mistress, I’ve Been Shriven’ Claims Boris Johnson

Prime Minister Boris Johnson celebrated Shrove Tuesday by eating pancakes yesterday and announcing he has given up lying for lent.

“Pump e Like My Mistress, I’ve Been Shriven! I know it’ll be a wrench but to fully experience the privation of this solemn observance one must give up something you really love and, as I honestly can’t give up creating illegitimate children, I’ll be giving up the next best thing; lying”.  

“I’m a champion tosser, in fact yesterday I was tossing in the kitchen with the curtains open for all to see!” the Prime Minister told journalists before re-counting the annual pancake race around Parliament Square, where 15 MP’s competed to see who is the quickest tosser and can come quickest over the line.  

Since that announcement Boris Johnson has remained silent, it is believed he is sincere in the endeavour not to lie for 40 days and 40 nights; a period when its expected the Prime Minister to only say ‘I love you’ when looking in a mirror.

For the sake of humanity Priti Patel has been persuaded to give up oxygen for lent. The new Home Secretary will be announced shortly but it is believed a cockroach would be a more popular choice then the recently asphyxiated current incumbent   

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It’s a Boy: Royals Announce Birth of Prince Boaty McBoatface

Following recent trends the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have allowed the public to choose the name of their third child, with suggestions submitted and voted for in an internet poll.

Despite a strong showing for names such as Elizabeth, Matilda and Victoria the British publish have overwhelmingly voted for Boaty McBoatface. Bowing to ‘the will of the people’ William and Kate have named their third child Prince Boaty Charles Xavier Edmund McBoatface.

Other waggish suggestions that received strong included Prince Symbol (Artist formally known as Prince), Prince PrivedgedScum and Prince FreddieStarAteMyPeerage.

The Queen is delighted with her great-grandsons birth and 10 Downing Street has announced that the second Astute Class aircraft carrier will be named ‘HMS Prince Boaty’ in his honour. Also, following revelations that no member house of Sax Coburg Goethe ever having applied for permanent residency or UK citizenship, Prince William and his family have been arrested and held in the Portdown Detention centre awaiting deportation to Germany.  

 When asked about the deportation of Prince William and his family Home Secretary Amber Rudd just screamed ‘f**king hostile immigration policy my arse’ and ran off with her head buried in her hands.  

 

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No One Expects the Brexiteers

Announcer: In 2017, to combat the diabolical European Unions despotic plans for the good ship Britannia as it sails away, the Queen gives Boris Johnson leave to form a crack team to travel without hindrance through Britain, Europe and beyond in a reign of violence, terror and buffoonery. This was how the Brexiteers were formed…

[The door flies open and Boris Johnson, flanked by two Brexiteers;. Michael Biggles Gove has goggles pushed over his forehead while Andrea Leadsom is dressed as Death, with the customary scythe replaced by a potato masher]  

Johnson: NOBODY EXPECTS THE BREXITEERS! Our chefs weapons are surprise and fear…fear and surprise! That’s why we dread meal times, last week we were served suicide bomber toad in a hole, had awful indigestion, no idea how he got that explosive vest onto that poor amphibian…anyhow I digress…lets start again

[Fanfare, The Brexiteers exit and return, once more bursting through the door. ]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and wiffy armpits because we refuse to wear deodorant!…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and wiffy armpits because we refuse to wear deodorant!….and an almost fanatical devotion to the Teresa May (unless she’s been deposed already, if so she’s a NAMBY PAMBY and we love our new Eternal Leader)…. Our four…no…Amongst our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again.

[Fanfare, the Brexiteers exit muttering to each other then return, but with bursting with significantly less enthusiasm.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise….

Gove: Wasn’t ‘Project Fear’ one of the LOSER Remain campaigns chief weapons.

Johnson: Balderdash!

Leadsom: Oh it was, look the ‘Potato Masher of Truth’ says so.

Leadsom gestures to Johnson with the potato masher

Johnson: Fiddlesticks, numptyquest and codswallop! Shall we try again?

[Fanfare, the bickering Brexiteers exit then return with a dejected saunter.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and wiffy armpits and almost fanatical devotion to our Eternal Leader (which may or may not be Teresa May)…and a clear Brexit strategy…

Leadsom: I want it hard!

Gove: I want it soft!

Johnson: I just want it now, Phwor!

[Leadsom and Gove start squabbling like school children behind Johnson.]

Johnson: This is getting us nowhere! Okay team, once more with feeling!

[Fanfare, the squabbling Brexiteers exit then return with rejuvenated oomph.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…

Gove: But Boris, surly they expect the Brexiteers as we’ve leapt forth in surprise 4 times now.

Johnson: Gove another comment like that and I`ll stab you in the back for real this time! Ok lets start again.

[Fanfare, Brexiteers exit while having a heated argument then return with Gove looking somewhat peaky thanks to the knife sticking out of his back]

Johnson: EVERYBODY EXPECTS THE BREXITEERS! Our chief weapons are wiffy armpits, an almost fanatical devotion to our Eternal Leader (which may or may not be Teresa May) and a clear, strong and stable, Brexit means Brexit strategy! Britain Prevails!

Gove: Argh [collapses dead]

Leadsom: Sigh, like most MPs I’ve a second job…looks like I’ve another soul to harvest…oh, nope, it is Michael Gove, he’s got no soul.

Johnson: [points]He has two soles, one on each shoe!

Leadsom: Sigh [walks off stage, returns with a scythe and ‘harvests’ Boris Johnson]  For that he deserves to die [evil cackle]

Leadsom: Hubble bubble, toil and trouble, when shall we three meet again? But you’re dead so never…oh well, I shall form the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse Brexit (sponsored by the Sun) with War, Famine and Nigel Farage! [Evil Cackle]

[The end]

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University of Chesterfield: Newsletter 92

Message from the Regis

You’re all not me nor as rich as me…plebs!

£50 Awarded to Create World Leading Water Boiling Facilities

The University of Chesterfield has been granted the prestigious PG Tips Foundation Invigoration Award, promoting first class tea drinking within academia. A team, led by Chaplain Stephen Faizer, will work to read online reviews of all mid-priced kettles then utilizing this insightful data to purchase the best kettle two ‘ponies’ can buy; ensuring all university staff are refreshed though out the day.

Dr David Chivers, Emeritus Professor of Apathy and Stuff said “This award means this university will, well, yeah, whatever, words, stuff”.

Farewell to Professor Jones – Retracted

Last week we said goodbye to Ernest Jones, Professor of Imaginary, Illusory and Fantastical Medicine. We would like to retract this fond farewell, Professor Jones has not left the University of Chesterfield but was not seen for the last 3 month after falling down the back of the sofa.

Only when the sofa was received it annual hoovering were Ernest Jones’ cries for help heard, having survived on a diet of half sucked boiled sweets and discarded peanuts.

Also behind the sofa was three sets of keys, the Bursars dried frog pills and a Holy Grail that a group of irritating Frenchmen had hidden to prevent it reaching the hands of King Arthur and his stupid English knigarts.