Bonkers, Epic Bonkers

Noah (2014) Dr: Darren Aronofsky

In the beginning there was ‘Lord of the Rings’ and everything was good, alas greed and hubris crept into the world, devouring the ‘The Hobbit’ and leaving behind nought but a pile of putrid goo gracing the cinema screens. God decreed that ‘Noah’ save this fragile planet, washing away the stench of pretentious avarice with an almighty deluge… and if that sounds mad you’ve seen nothing yet.

Noah is bonkers, epic and enjoyable but bonkers all the same. Crowe chews the screen in his zealous devotion to Gods will, rock monsters (voiced by Optimus Prime) provide the manual labour and if you build it they will come; the fauna of the planet walking, flying, creeping and crawling aboard the ark to be sedated with soporific incense This while king of the orcs, sorry tribes of Cain, goes to war with Noah for why should this veggie echo mentalist get to go on a cruise and have all the fun?

Shockingly within all the madness there is poinancy, the seven days of creation reimagined and everything was good. The delemmia of fealty to ones Lords command weighed against compassion to the dammed innocent an underlying theme as Noah sets sail to wipe the stench of human corruption from the planet but true to the Biblical text he just ends up getting drunk in nought but his birthday suit. ‘As it was’, probably not but entertaining cinematic lunacy upon a grand scale.


I Much Rather Be Fisted by a Cyberman

Sabotage (2014) Dr: David Ayer

Meat headed nonsense flush with senseless bloody testosterone in compensation for a lack of plot, thrill or modicum of enjoyment. A pubescent males dream computer game..bang, bang and you’ve bagged bad guys then bang and you’ve bagged the female lead. Top of the pile of scenes that rankle being where Arnie pops over to offer his apologies to the female detective investigating whoever’s murdering his team. Apologies begins with breaking and entering, catching Olivia Williams swimming naked; whoohoo, boobs. Williams isn’t perturbed by this invasion of property or privacy, she invites Arnie in for a drink and congress; for being a good girl and putting out getting a present, leads in the case, like a dog being trained with treats.

‘Sabotage’ is senseless and lacks any sensibility; any guilty pleasure of an Arnie movie replaced by guilt that you’ve not walked out of the cinema and used the time to do something more constructive; like being fisted by a cyberman…really that would be more fun! Three quarters of the film are superfluous to the narrative and its morals are dubious to the extreme; retribution trumps all other rights and responsibilities for one can steal, tear lives apart, kill and let others be killed just because you seek revenge…this is less pumping iron, more pumping shite.

Labour Vows to ‘Rub Out’ Michael Gove

Labour has vowed to wipe the slate clean of Michael Gove and his reforms of the Education system if elected.

 A plan, devised by Trisram Hunt and Jason Statham, for the current “sink or swim inspection system” to be replaced by commissars responsible for raising standards, enforcing government principles and maintaining staff morale.

 Outlining the plan Statham accused the collation of creating an “unmanageable Kafkaesque caricature of an education system, with a landscape mired in incoherence, confusion and lack of accountability. Essentially Gove you’re to be erased with extreme prejudice”.

 Asked to clarify this the Death Race star removed a sawn off shotgun from his coat and vowed to rub out Michael Gove ‘Lock stock and two smoking barrels’.

 The reform plan, Labours most important statement on Education in 10 years, will assimilate New Labour reforms along with those of the Soviet Union under Stalin. Local education commissars being able to summarily fire failing teachers but Statham responded to concerns saying this would occur in sound proof rooms, away from the classroom as ‘We don’t want lessons being disrupted by the trademark bang of a Glock 17 do we? Those who can , do. Those who can’t, teach. And those who can’t even teach have their contracts terminated, and we’ll make sure they never teach again’.

When asked how he’d deal with the militant teaching unions Statham promised that ‘fear will keep them in line, unlike Tarkin we don’t have a Death Star but we have an Army. There is violence inherent within the system and I intend to use it. Accept our reforms, bank roll the Labour Party or get pulped by a tank”.

Labour other reforms would include:

• Give all schools freedom over the curriculum, the school day and discipline policy with the return of corporal punishment mandatory.

•Implementing a three strikes and you’re out policy to raise moral, any teach caught not smiling three times will be classed as failing and removed from post.

• Require all schools to audit and publish accounts online, any deficit to be taken directly from the headteachers salary and/or forcibly seizing the headteachers assets.

•Pre and post school ‘workhouses’ are to be put in place, utilizing childrens energy to generate income for the school while providing much needed childminding facilities.

Despite this aggressive rhetoric most of the press conference was taken up by Trisram Hunt reading sections of speeches made by Michael Gove, with Jason Statham providing commentary including ‘Nought but the three R’s, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish” and “Can’t count, his opinions shouldn’t count; he just waffles like a deranged lunatic’.

Michael Gove has yet to comment but a Labour spokes person has stated this to be a “Good thing, I think the public are with me in begrudging Gove the oxygen he breaths”.