Labour has vowed to wipe the slate clean of Michael Gove and his reforms of the Education system if elected.
A plan, devised by Trisram Hunt and Jason Statham, for the current “sink or swim inspection system” to be replaced by commissars responsible for raising standards, enforcing government principles and maintaining staff morale.
Outlining the plan Statham accused the collation of creating an “unmanageable Kafkaesque caricature of an education system, with a landscape mired in incoherence, confusion and lack of accountability. Essentially Gove you’re to be erased with extreme prejudice”.
Asked to clarify this the Death Race star removed a sawn off shotgun from his coat and vowed to rub out Michael Gove ‘Lock stock and two smoking barrels’.
The reform plan, Labours most important statement on Education in 10 years, will assimilate New Labour reforms along with those of the Soviet Union under Stalin. Local education commissars being able to summarily fire failing teachers but Statham responded to concerns saying this would occur in sound proof rooms, away from the classroom as ‘We don’t want lessons being disrupted by the trademark bang of a Glock 17 do we? Those who can , do. Those who can’t, teach. And those who can’t even teach have their contracts terminated, and we’ll make sure they never teach again’.
When asked how he’d deal with the militant teaching unions Statham promised that ‘fear will keep them in line, unlike Tarkin we don’t have a Death Star but we have an Army. There is violence inherent within the system and I intend to use it. Accept our reforms, bank roll the Labour Party or get pulped by a tank”.
Labour other reforms would include:
• Give all schools freedom over the curriculum, the school day and discipline policy with the return of corporal punishment mandatory.
•Implementing a three strikes and you’re out policy to raise moral, any teach caught not smiling three times will be classed as failing and removed from post.
• Require all schools to audit and publish accounts online, any deficit to be taken directly from the headteachers salary and/or forcibly seizing the headteachers assets.
•Pre and post school ‘workhouses’ are to be put in place, utilizing childrens energy to generate income for the school while providing much needed childminding facilities.
Despite this aggressive rhetoric most of the press conference was taken up by Trisram Hunt reading sections of speeches made by Michael Gove, with Jason Statham providing commentary including ‘Nought but the three R’s, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish” and “Can’t count, his opinions shouldn’t count; he just waffles like a deranged lunatic’.
Michael Gove has yet to comment but a Labour spokes person has stated this to be a “Good thing, I think the public are with me in begrudging Gove the oxygen he breaths”.