Monthly Archives: February 2011

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Team Finds Proof Dark Matter Exists!

 Team Finds Proof Dark Matter Exists!

The claims are based on observations of Brian Blessed cranium that, according to a UK astronomers, provides the first direct evidence that the mysterious stuff called dark matter exists.

Ordinary matter is thought to make up 5% the universe while dark matter, which does not reflect or emit light, is believed to comprise 25%. Until now astronomers have only been able to infer its existence but the team from the Cambridge Research Authority of Physics (CRAP) have discovered the gravitational signature of dark matter.

This signature was created by dark matter and ordinary matter being wrenched apart by the immense contemplations of Brain Blessed. “The kinetic energy of these deliberations, of the thoughts of the greatest thinker of our time, is enough to completely evaporate and pulverise planet Earth ten trillion trillion times over,” said team member Michael Wieloch of CRAP. “Only his robust cranium prevents unimaginable horror ripping the planet apart and ending all life”.

CRAP team leader David Chivers said: “This provides the first direct proof that dark matter must exist and that it must make up the majority of the matter in the Universe.”

WHAT THE UNIVERSE IS MADE OF

67% dark energy

25% dark matter

5% ordinary matter

3% gooey wobbly bits

In addition CRAPs findings potentially explains the reason for all great thinkers possessing such stout skulls; Freuds still being used as a wreaking ball by a German construction company, Einsteins acted as heatshield for Apollo 11 while Bill Hicks was last seen being used as a hammer at the White House in a futile attempt to knock some sense into George W Bush. Without resilient craniums a child of such super intelligence alters timespace and rips apart matter which would be pulverised its brain at birth. Only the few blessed with solid skulls survive to adulthood where their magnificent musings march mankind forward to a brighter future.

“It’s the first clue of what this stuff might be,” said Michael Wieloch. “For the first time ever, we’re dealing with dark matters actual physics, now can anyone tell me more about gooey wobbly bits?”

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For Some Reason I Didnt Get the Job

Some of my more inspired answers to questions on application forms:-

 NAME: Michael  Wieloch

 SEX: Male but I have to carry a certificate to prove this.

 DESIRED POSITION: Are we still talking about sex still? If so positioned somewhere between Liv Tyler and Clare Danes…. Or supreme ruler of all time, space and McDonalds.  

 DESIRED SALARY: £1000phr would do.

 EDUCATION: Hold a 3rd class degree from the University of Life.

 LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

 PREVIOUS SALARY: Cant remember, is that before or after embezzlement?

 MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Not being arrested for the creative accounting that resulted in me being able to buy a Porsche and my previous employer going bankrupt

 REASON FOR LEAVING: I was banned from drinking gin in the office.

 HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Anytime, anywhere so long as burgers need flipping with cultivated levels of apathy.

 PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-1:32 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  I like eating uranium, its tastes minty fresh.

 MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: As Im on a mission from God you can pray but not sure he’ll be listening.

 DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Laziness.

 DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: No but after eating beans I can play the star spangled banner if a shove a recorder up my bum.

 HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: Voted most likely to be admitted into a mental institute in my Sixth Form leaving book.

 DO YOU SMOKE?: Only if I set fire to my clothes.

 WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Writing neo feminist tracts while plotting global domination from a secret island headquarters with my suitably attired maid, Liv Tyler, begging me to stop working and come to bed.   

 NEAREST RELATIVE: Ive not been close to any of them since they sold me into slavery aged 7.

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News in Brief:

 Eric Pickles to scrutinize meals over 1000 Calories

Eric Pickles has vowed to curb excessive local authority spending on meals and refreshments by personally testing any over 1000 calories, blocking any that seem excessive or not value for money.

The Communities Secretary, whose waistline is an avid supporter of David Cameron’s ‘Big Society’ told journalists

“Too many people enter local politics to get on the gravy train of free dinners and Champaign receptions. Take this Chicken Balti Birmingham Council plan on serving during a celebration of the cities cuisine, its delicious but unwarranted; Labor councils should go back to their roots; peas, pies and chips”.

Pickles refused to comment upon the excesses of Conservative councils but did point out that this personal gluttony was a sacrifice he was willing to make, if he increased in mass to reduce the deficit so be it.  

To this statement his chin, a life form in its own right, wobbled with agreement.

William Chooses Hitler to be Best Man

Heir to the throne chooses Great Uncles Edwards favorite fascist dictator to be his best man

Former German Chancellor thrilled to be asked, his first public function since going into hiding in 1945.

“Im so happy that William has taken the finial solution to his relationship with Kate Middleton” he told the Daily Mail

 

Catholic Priest Banned from Facebook

Papal officials have banned clergy from using Facebook, worried at them logging onto the site, looking at pictures of peoples children, clicking ‘like’ and then poking them.

 

Blair Pledges Book Proceeds to Injured Spin Doctor Charity

A spokesperson for the former Prime Minster, who is already understood to have received a £4.6m advance, said Mr Blair would hand over all the money he makes, “as a way of marking the enormous sacrifice spin doctors make and have made to the people of Great Britain and the world”.

“In making this decision Tony Blair recognizes the courage, the sacrifice and most importantly the double speak spin doctors have demonstrated in face of a sometimes uncomfortable truth. This is my way of honoring them.”

The proceeds will go to the Practitioners of Exceptional Spin and Trickery (PEST) Benevolent Fund

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One of our Deserts is Missing!

Scientist Search for Missing Sahara

17th February 2011

At 12.47 the Sahara desert disappeared. All 9,000,000 miles of arid sand dunes vanished leaving behind nothing but a card bearing the message ‘back in 5 minutes’. Conspiracy theorists have quickly pointed the finger at this bearing all the hallmarks of a Zionist plot but soon it became obvious the culprits were a collaboration of little green men, Masons, Opus Dei and the Sloth Mafia.

Scientists researching the phenomena believe the real answer to be far more mundane. Dr David Chivers told amazed journalists that “The Sahara was a trifle hot and thirsty so popped into the Atlantic Ocean to refresh itself. Unfortunately, like many of the great deserts, it is a poor swimmer and has been washed out to sea. To be frank the Sahara has drowned and will never be seen again, it is a dead desert, deceased, popped it clogs like a duck in a blender’.

Briefly Dr Chivers pessimism was thought to be unfounded when a large body of sand was found washed up on Bondi Beach, Australia, but this turned out to be two thirds of the Cornish coast line toping up its tan in the closed season. Other sightings of the Sahara were also quickly discounted, claims the desert had been spotted in Paris turned out to be a large deposit of dead skin after a psoriasis convention.

A replacement desert was ordered by the UN but due to Chinese demand for sand in their 6 year project to extend the Gobi Desert all the way to Seattle this has proved to be uneconomical thus the former dunes of North Africa are destined to remain fertile pastureland for the near future.

Rock stars have rallied around the people affected by this disaster with Sir Bob Geldof launching ‘Sand Aid’ telling outraged listeners of the Today Programme to ‘Give us yer fookin sandpits!’. The reformed Girls Aloud are set to release a charity cover of ‘Enter Sandman’ while Christina Aguilera is planning on selling her finial shred of credibility on Ebay.

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Cameron Denies Paying for Sex

Prime Minister David Cameron has denied allegations that he paid prostitutes to attend parties at 10 Downing Street and Chequers.

In an interview with Heat Magazine the leader of the Conservative Party said there is nothing in his private life that he is ashamed of beyond a moment of madness with Eric Pickles in 2007 when they took each others honorable members in hand and shared an inappropriate embrace.

Mr Cameron alleges that the prostitutes at the centre of scandal has been paid to make false accusations against him; insisting he has never paid for sex, rejecting the Telegraph claims that showed the Prime Minister had claimed expenses of £17000 in 2010 and already £15000 in 2011 for the supply of party hostesses from Allure, a high class escort agency.

He has repeated denied any wrong doing and could not be blamed for the bad behavior of others. His claims for hostesses were to ensure his parties had the trappings of power that were fitting of someone in his position, “do you expect us to use the Number 10 tea ladies to hand out smoked salmon canopies or maybe it should be (Teresa) May and the zombiefied Margaret Thatcher?”

Last week two glamour models, Roxy and Yvette, alleged they were paid to attend parties at Number 10 during which David and his wife Samantha would choose one to return later and spend the night with them while George Osborne babysat their three children next door.

In the interview Mr Cameron affirmed his domestic arrangements were “very normal and boring, lacking the wild sexual liberation of the models accusations” adding, “I never understood where the satisfaction is when you’re missing the pleasure of conquest but if ever Cleggo fancies cementing the coalition with a nights ‘swinging’ Im game”.

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Zombie Llama’s

An investment of £17m will create 146 jobs in South Yorkshires thriving undead manufacturing sector, it has been announced.

Voodoo Valley Pets are to manufacture a new line of Zombie Llamas at a plant in Sheffield. The new products will be distributed throughout Ireland, the UK and Europe.

The Industrial Development Board are providing a grant of £4.25m to the project which they see as a major boost to South Yorkshires burgeoning manufacturing sector. Of the 146 jobs, 130, will be provided in Hillsborough where the Zombie Llamas will be manufactured while 16 will be created by the company’s badger milking division in Chesterfield; badger serum being crucial in turning the domestic llama into a creature from beyond the grave.  

“This investment is a major endorsement of Yorkshire as the global undead manufacturing centre by a company which has a strong track record in the development of British made domesticated undead pets ” said VVP Chairman, Dr Andrew Bailey; creator of ‘Ernie the Herring Ghoul’, last years must have accessory during Milan fashion week.   

Voodoo Valley Pets Managing Director, Michael Wieloch, said the company chose Sheffield because of the availability of quality young virgins whose fragile necks are ripe for the vampiric embrace. Beyond that no good reason but the Medowhall Shopping Centre does have an excellent branch of WH Smiths.  

He also praised the response of Sheffield council stating the banning wooden stakes, holy water and cottage cheese from the city boundaries was a definite pull factor. The location of nearby badger farms was another driving factor in the choice of Sheffield, “We would have relocated to Chesterfield but it’s a sh!t hole, I’d much rather live in Iraq, Afghanistan or Dudley.”

Zombie Llama’s are to star in their own cartoon series to be shown on ITV later this year with a spin off, Dwayne the Demon Deliberator, planned for a November release in time for the lucrative Christmas market.

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HORRORscopes!

Aries: Please draw dotted lines on your limbs as a cutting aid for the chainsaw wielding psychopath you’ll meet this week.

Taurus: You’ve sold your soul to the devil but now he wants a refund due to previous scientologist exposure.

Gemini: Is that heart burn or is it an alien gestating in your stomach

Cancer: A debauched life of sex drugs and rock’n’roll await you after being skinned alive and turned into cob piece by one of Marilyn Mansons demented roadies.

Leo: A fondness for virgins necks, long swishing clocks and Bela Lugosi films… ever thought the reason you only go out at night might be because you’re a vampire?

Virgo: Drink caffeine for while awake you are safe, asleep the Great Race of Yith will suck out your brains with a straw.

Libra:  Nothing bad will happen to you this week beyond being stabbed through the heart by a passing stranger.

Scorpio: Ever been castrated? Friday might be the right day to contemplate life as a eunuch after that freak accident with a shredder.

Sagittarius: Shaving off that shaggy beard is essential unless you want to be dry humped by a werewolf on heat.

Capricorn: You will have sex with Silvio Berlusconi.

Aquarius:  Please write a last will and testament for on Thursday you are going to DIE!

Pisces: With the moon moving through your anus things cant be pretty, shame as you have just been voted ‘Worlds Most Eligible Host for Demonic Possession’

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Budget Cuts hit Schools Hard

 Due to budget cuts the three R’s have been reduced to the two R’s Michael Gove announced yesterday. From the start for the next academic year teachers will no longer be required to teach pupils how to read, oddly the only one of the three R’s actually beginning with R.

With a third cut from the education budget schools are under strain, and along with the rebuilding programme, reading has been scrapped. ‘Pupils will leave school illiterate which is little different to the current situation and at least we wont spend billions trying to succeed where we obviously fail’.

During this mornings Today Programme interview John Humphries challenged Michael Gove on the paradox that children wont understand what they are writing, the Education Minister responded by holding up his mobile phone displaying the message ‘LOL’.

Other plans include ‘Modern Apprenticeships’ where, from children the age of 5, will be taught a skill such as stitching footballs together and the ‘Open Schools’ Policy.

“Pupils will be taught in ‘Open Schools’; an environment free from the shackles of the traditional classroom with fields, car parks and tops of tower blocks facilitating real blue sky thinking. The resulting savings will allow every pupil to be issued with an umbrella to protect them from the extremes of weather”.

Savage cuts have hit other departments hard, in some case forcing them to merge. As Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has gained an expanded brief, in charge of the newly formed ‘Treasury, Work and Training’ or TWAT. Ed Milibands only comment on this matter was ‘C’est le vie, if the hat fits let the man wear it”.

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Ferdinand set for Man Utd Return

 Archduke Franz Ferdinand is set to end a 96 year absence by playing against Marseille on Wednesday after overcoming long term injury problems and death.

The 121 year old Austrian centre back has not played since being murdered in 1914 during Manchester Uniteds ill fated tour of Croatia which sparked World War I. Despite death previously being a career ending problem Sith powers possessed by Sir Darth Ferguson have brought Ferdinand back to life telling reporters ‘Franz has been training very well in the last few weeks. He will play on Wednesday’.  

‘This is the time to bring him back’ the Sith Lord added, ‘With players missing and silverware on the line we needed something special, Ferdinand was the Bobby Moore of his time and it’s the boost we need’.

After the brutal force chocking of Gary Neville, which forced the defender to retire, Darth Ferguson was left with a crisis. Rumors persist his first target for resurrection was Jesus but it was later discovered the son of God was already alive and well managing Real Madrid. Instead he looked to the United legend Franz Ferdinand who led the 1913 team to the league title and FA Cup double but was tragically shot on in June 1914 during a drunken game of extreme tiddlywinks.

Meanwhile Darth Ferguson revealed that he will be picking both Stanley Mathews and Duncan Edwards in his 25 man Champions League squad suggesting that Franz Ferdinand will not be the only former player whose career is to be resurrected.

“It has been a rough time with Darth Rooney suspended for decapitating a linesman with his lightsaber, so to draft them into the side can only be good for us”.

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North Korea in Boardgame Dispute

 Angry North Korea has walked out of nuclear talks after being denied use of the battleship during the traditional post summit game of Monopoly.

In UN Security Council resolution 6748 it clearly states that North and  South Korea will share the use of the battleship on a rota system. Pyongyang are now unwilling to use the alternative stating ‘To be a dog, a poodle for the US, capitalist pigs, is an unbearable insult’.
China has appealed for the North to return to negotiations while Russia is willing to allow the Pyongyang delegation the use of its top hat if this will push forward the six party talks. 

After international agreement that it could use the red pieces during games of Risk North Korea began dismantling its nuclear programme but following the ‘Kerplunk Incident’ this process stalled.

Now a defiant Pyongyang have vowed to permanently walk out of international talks and resume long range missile tests. It claims these are for peaceful purposes and nothing to do with sinking the US Battleship in E4.  

This is not the first time board games have caused bitter international disputes. In 1939 Adolf Hitler stormed out of a peace summit and invaded Poland after Neville Chamberlin falsely accused him of murdering Dr Black in study with the lead piping.