Become A Flu Fighter
Don’t you just hate it when inconsiderate bastards bring germs into the hospital? Don’t you hate it when they spread them? Don’t you just hate it when they make you sick?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes become a ‘Flu Fighter’, former professional wrestler ‘The Undertaker’ will be training staff how to take hold of the situation and grapple those carrying infection into the hospital. Choke slamming a coughing child will become standard practice and any contagious adult will be told to read Chivers 3:16 “Get the hell out’a my hospital you virulent vagabond!”.
Dr Chivers would like to remind staff that treatment is free at the point of service but there is nothing within the NHS constitution that states you can’t deliver nursing with a half, or even full, Nelson!
Send in the Clowns
Clowns, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing…well it seems they’re fantastic for giving children a healthy fright.
Silly surgeons have been jumping on the ‘Killer Clown’ craze so when anesthetised little ones wake up from an operation that are greeted by the medical team sporting white masks with reds nose; wielding scalpels while laughing manically. Any children with lasting psychological problems following this waggish wakeup will be offered support in the form of aversion therapy, being forced to watch Stephen Kings IT twice daily.
This is not the first time that surgeons have played practical jokes on people coming round after an operation, in 2003 nine members of the public woke from anaesthetic dressed as characters from the Lord of the Rings and nurses in fantasy attire convinced them to embark upon a quest to destroy the One Ring by dropping it into the crack of doom, or Nigel Farages bottom as its also known.
Following on from the EU referendum and Brexit it has been decided that Chesterfield University Hospitals will detach itself from any relationship with the town of Chesterfield, refusing to treat those residing in this rotten carbuncle at the centre of England.
“Chesterfield voted solidly to leave the European Union so why should its residents benefit from the services of nurses, doctors and midwifes we’ve poached from EU nations” Dr David Chivers told journalists as he stood at the newly erected boarder checkpoint.
Anyone treated in Chesterfield University Hospitals will have to prove their place of residence does not have a Chesterfield postcode. Anyone utilizing the local dialect such as calling lunch ‘snap’, suggesting people are ‘nesh’ or delusionally suggesting that Chesterfield Football Club are ‘by far the greatest team the world have ever seen’ will experience enhanced checks.
The boarder between Chesterfield and Chesterfield University Hospitals will be patrolled by Officer Wieloch, whose regime of shoot to kill is not official policy but is accepted practice as it reduces the number of casualties attending A&E while providing a steady stream of fresh organs for transplantation.
Sweat the Small Stuff
Is you department filled with niggling irksome issues? Chesterfield University Hospitals will dedicate next week to resolving them in its ‘Sweat the Small Stuff’ initiative.
This initiative will involve taking the smaller, easily bullied, members of staff and utilizing the motivators of fear and actual violence as an enabler; with these diminutive members of the workforce performing minor repairs, tedious filing or cleaning the men’s toilets pro bona.
“I am English therefor I have won the lottery of life” declared Dr David Chivers, “and as we can no longer exploit the colonies we shall exploit the dwarfs!”
Homebirth Team Dismembered
Following a typographical error the Rosie Gamgee Maternity Hospitals Homebirth team were ripped, limb from limb by a pack of feral junior doctors. The hospitals intention was to disband this team due to short sighted cost cutting measures but due to a spelling mistake and over reliance upon auto correct the Head of Midwifery accidently ordered the team dismemberment.
Her senior team of brutalised, bullied and servile drones carried out the Head of Midwiferies orders to the letter, refusing to question this drastic course of action following the ‘incident’ when a dissenting student midwife disappeared.
Due to staff shortages the scheduled minute silence to remember the Homebirth team will be shortened to a seconds silence at 11.35, if anyone can be bothered.
CEO Delivers Autumn Lecture to Staff
In a rambling and often incoherent speech Dr David Chivers delivered his Autumn Lecture to selected staff, covering topics such as his love of Donald Trump, private health care and the colour purple
Most controversially was his call for a global jihad against NASA for its sustained and unremitting assault upon heaven. “Repeated attacks, firing so called ‘space rockets’ into gods paradise in the clouds shall not stand” Dr Chivers told the audience. He further elaborated that the moon landings were scouting missions for a full blown invasion, that was imminent utilizing the international space station as a staging post.
“Only through jihad can we stop NASA assaulting heaven in their unrelenting conquest, they’ve subjugated Earth through the proliferation of non-stick pans and now their seek to seize Gods eternal Kingdom!”
When asked to comment NASA stated that it was dedicated to the peaceful exploration of space and expanding human knowledge, to this Dr Chivers stated “Humbug” and started live tweeting the rooting out of a particularly bothersome bogie while searching for Tony Blair on Grinder.