Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 08/07/15

‘LaborSave’…

Division Q are pleased to announce a £3000000 annual saving by asking pregnant women to give birth at home before calling a midwife.

Previously a midwife would attend mothers before and during all births, whether they be at home or within the Rose Gamgee Maternity Hospital. If all women give birth in the comfort of home, with support provided by loved ones, this would generate a significant saving.

Only once the little one has been delivered should a midwife be called to check it’s a baby (in 2014 supposedly pregnant women gave birth to things other than babies including a particular large poo, three cats called Pickles and an artefact procured from Anne Summers) and if the mother or child should be transferred into hospital.

If hospital admission is required the number of local taxi companies will be provided.

Yanis Varoufakis Appointed Chief Finance Officer

 Until yesterday Chesterfield University Hospitals lay tipping on the precipice of financial ruin, with its deficit increasing by £1 million per week.

Now we are proud to announce the appointment of Yanis Varoufakis as Chief Finance Officer, now we have a way to escape the fiscal abyss we were facing. Until Monday Mr Varoufakis was Finance Minister of Greece and his fiscal prudence and debt reduction skills will be invaluable during these difficult times.

Following on from Greece’s referendum Chesterfield University Hospitals will begin asking patients to ratify all major financial decisions, those who are incapacitated or not of sound mind having an advocate acting on their behalf. Yanis Varoufakis has expressed his eagerness in the dual role of Hospitals fiscal authority coupled with sole patient assessor and advocate.

“I will ask them ‘Are you ok?’ in my native tongue. If a patient does not understand they will be deemed to be not compos mentis; I shall act in their best interest” Varoufakis told journalist. “With the patients mandate it is then not the government who’ll be the masters of Chesterfield University Hospitals, it`ll be the people and who am I to quibble with democracy!”

Patients groups have expressed concern with new mental capacity tests, Varoufakis slowly raised his middle finger and told them to “swivel”.

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Chesterfield Hospitals Daily 03/07/15

Spending Review Update

Following NHS cuts Chesterfield University Hospitals will be dramatically amending standard operating procedures.

 

  • All general anaesthetic will no longer be administered by a trained anaesthetist, instead it`ll be administered by a hammer.
  • Following the success of the ‘great British Sewing Bee’ surgical stitching has been outsourced to the Newbold Patchwork Society, whose members will take time out from their craft making to perform much needed medical needlework.
  • When blood supplies are running low ketchup is a low cost alternative and is in plentiful supply within the hospital shop.
  • Death has been added to the criteria used to officially categorise an operation ‘successful’.

 

iHospital Update – How to Email an Attachment

 

Following technical issues new guidelines have been written on how to email an attachment, which are as follows:

-Print the document out then, find someone going in the general direction of the intended recipient. Staple the document to this person, it is now the recipients job to hunt down the carrier and snatch it as they pass.

This should resolve the situation.