Osborne rolls out £380 budget plan

George Osborne has unveiled a £380 budget which includes increased spending on Pedigree Chum but with sweeping cuts in all other areas.

 “Following the credit crunch it’s a dogs dinner out there so that’s what we’re preparing for’

The Chancellor claimed this to be the greenest budget ever with UK carbon emission reduced to a ‘Lot. of hot air, moaning and gossip following mass redundancy’. In addition all UK armed forces will be disbanded. The sweeping budget cuts were seen as a response to the drop in tax revenue from 1.2 million people who’ve lost their jobs since the recession began. ‘With 10% unemployment a mans got to do what a mans got to do, make tough decision and blame everything on the previous government’.

At this point Mr Osborne gestured to the lifesized cardboard cutout of Gordon Brown screaming, ‘Sweet Jesus you voted in Hitler… sorry Blair, got this wonky eyed numpty and look what happened!’

Without no armed forces issues ‘Since the Cold War ended we’ve gone out of our way to be nice to everyone and I don’t know why all disagreements cant be settled like gentleman over a glass of port and a game of Polo?’

Commitments in Afghanistan will be fulfilled by the UK’s answer to Rambo, Ross Kemp. The star of ‘Ultimate Force’ will single handedly bring peace to the war torn nation, after which he’ll solve inner city knife crime, rescue stranded British Citizens trapped in Luxemburg following is impending civil war and still have time to switch on the Blackpool illuminations come October.

The NHS will be funded by holding a series of ‘Big Society Raffles’, the first of which will be drawn on 14th April with a main prize of a seat at Prince William and Kate Middletons wedding reception. Other prizes will include dancing lessons with Vince Cable and a ‘Do Yourself Police Force Kit’ which includes full riot gear, pepper spray, hand cuffs and lessons on planting incriminating evidence on nonces, immigrants and Guardian readers.

Closing his budget speech George Osborne earmarked £100 for the state school system, ‘With this record investment I have the audacity to hope that the first book to be read in Dudley since 1984”.

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Russian leaders fight over Libya

Russia’s President Dmitry Medvedev has said Prime Minister Vladimir Putin’s description of the UN resolution on Libya to be “unacceptable”. This rare rebuke came following Mr Putins statement declaring the Resolution 3407 to resemble a ‘medieval calls for crusades’.

 To resolve the impasse between president and prime minister it was agreed that, as red blooded men, they would do the only honorable thing; have a fight! Scheduled for the 1st April and shown exclusively on ESPN the no holds barred bout will decide future Russian policy upon Libya; the first to cause their opponents death or major injury being declared the victor.

In the red corner will be Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, pro Gadaffi and will be suitably dressed like the Libyan leader. Following the US lead ‘no fly zone’ Mr Putins ‘gentleman’s sausage’ will be hanging out of the gaping hole at the front of his trousers. Being a black belt in the martial art of Li Kwan Cho the former presidents a hot favorite to pummel his successor into premature retirement.

In the blue corner will be President Dmitry Medvedev, initially it was suggested he was to attired like President Sarkozy of France but publically stated that no one was going to make dress like a ‘Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Dwarf’. Instead Mr Medvedev will be blacking up and be Barak Obama. Unknown to many the current president previously blacked up after George Foreman was injured in training; only loosing to Muhammad Ali in the last round in what is now known as ‘The Rumble in the Jungle’.

Drawing from the crème de la crème of international politics the combatants ‘seconds’ are equally substantial. Putin having chosen ex cage fighter and three times Ultimate Fighting Heavyweight Champion Kim Jong II. The supreme leader of North Korea has been training hard, single handedly defeating the combined Chinese and Korean Tai Kwan Do squads in hand to hand combat and   occasionally relaxing at the golf course with near perfect rounds of 54 under par.

Mr Medvedev has chosen judo expert and Defense Secretary William Hague. Sources close to Hague say he’s up for the fight. ‘William is mean, he’s lean and thanks to carbon offsetting he’s green!’ Sources also claim that the former leader of the Conservative party is ‘Ready to have a few pints, batter Putin and be eating a kebab before round 2 if required. You can take the man out of Yorkshire but you cant take Yorkshire out of the man’.

Dire Straits are set to rerelease ‘Brothers in Arms’ as official song of ‘Premier Deathmatch 2011’ while McDonalds ‘Big Whack’ is lined up to be the official snack.

Thatcher dementia fight revealed

The daughter of former UK prime dictator Margaret Thatcher has spoken for the first time about her mothers struggle with dementia.

In her new book serialized in the Moron on Dunceday Carole Thatcher said she first noticed her mothers grip with reality failing over breakfast in 1979.  The newly elected prime dictator ‘fell off her chair screaming for her beloved “Arthur”‘ and had to be reminded of the existence of both the Queen and her husband Dennis. This was later followed by the infamous Prime Dictators Questions when she called both Edward Heath and Dennis Healy ‘Cads of the highest level who roger each other in the members gallery’ and stated that Jesus had come into her in a dream and she was pregnant.  This was later discovered to be indigestion caused by late night cheese munching.

It was at this moment that Carole Thatcher found out that her mother had had an intense 3 year love affair with the leader of the National Union of Miners. His ending of the relationship 12 months later resulted bloody revenge, instigating the 1983 coal miners strike to break Arthur Scargills power base and later closing down the pits.

In her book ‘Alas I wasn’t an only child’ she tells of her mothers regret of ever giving birth to her brother, Mark Thatcher; “He was an accident and I wish he would have one, preferably fatal” she would regularly inform dignitaries during diplomatic negotiations.

In 1981 it is reveled that Margaret Thatcher got confused between Frankfurt and the Falklands Islands resulting in 4 deaths during a bombing raid of the German city airport. More loss of life was prevented when Vulcan bomber pilots refused to drop bombs on Falkirk, France and Milbank Tower, the then headquarters of the Labor Party.     

Carole Thatcher reveals how her mothers poor term memory was significantly affected by the onset of dementia resulting in 12 years of legislation that damage the disadvantaged. It wasn’t that she hated those in poverty its just she forgot they existed, ‘it’s the darkies and the commies Margaret really disliked’.

From 1976 to 2003 both Margaret Thatcher and her husband Dennis had a series of minor strokes, the worst being in 1989 after getting over excited during an informal lunch in the gardens of Chequers where her, Alan Clarke and Ronald Regan enjoyed a spit roast while discussing the Iran Contra affair.

A state funeral has been planned for Britain’s longest serving prime dictator, this will then be followed by much cheering in the long queue of those wanting to dance on her grave.

Miliband Wrestles Cameron over Spending Cuts

 Todays Prime Ministers Questions had to be abandoned after two questions, allowing paramedics to treat David Cameron who is in a critical condition following a blistering attack by the Labour Leader.

In response to the Conservative Leader stating that there was a ‘Thread of dishonesty’ in the Labour Parties spending proposals Ed Miliband rose from the opposition benches, eyeballed Mr Cameron and said ‘Outside now you Tory Bastard!”

The Tory leader responded with taunts that the Labour Leader was a ‘The stupid younger son’ and that his brother, David, was ‘more intelligent, more attractive and, from what he’d heard, better in bed than ickle red Ed’.

Ignoring the speakers demands to return to his seat Ed Miliband retorted ‘Let the red flag rise and your red blood be spilled. Workers of the unite, let class war begin!’

The stunned Tory leader was subjected to a series of wrestling moves that would not have been out of place from the WWE. At one point the Labor Leader reached into his dispatch box, removed drawing pins and spread them liberally over the Commons floor. To a cry of ‘Hell Yeah’ Ed Miliband tombstoned Mr Cameron and left the Commons Chamber leaving the Conservative leader a whimpering pin cushion.

Labor back benchers were seen to be holding ‘Miliband 3:16’ placards, rumors that there will be a ‘Bra and Panties’ match between Harriet Harman and Teresa May have been denied.