Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 18/01/16

Recent MRSA Cases Prompts Vigilance.

 Two recent outbreaks of MSRA (Motivation, Resilience, Strength and Ambition) have been reported and Chesterfield University Hospitals prompt all staff to be extra vigilant to reduce the risk of further cases.

 Medical Director Dr David Chivers would remind all employees that the hospital needs servile drones who acquiesce to managements often peculiar and contradictory whimsy’s; critical thinking and the questioning of orders are not required talents.

 Any member of staff showing these qualities will be remove from their current post and attached to a new one, which will be impaled through their heart.

 100,000 Garden Gnomes project underway at CUH

 Chesterfield University Hospitals is leading a nationwide project to map the DNA of 100000 garden gnomes within the United Kingdom.

 David Chivers,  Regis consultant on Mythological Creatures,  told journalists of the national importance of this project. “Without this work we may not be able to tell the difference between gnomes, dwarves and elves leading to all sorts of mistakes happening; only last month a chimera accidently had a hippogriffs wing stitched onto its back during a botched transplant operation creating a chimeric chimera! We need a clear understanding of the genetic makeup of fantasy creatures or else all sort of weird stuff will occur! Also if we know it’s an elf we can refuse to treat it, nasty pointy eared bastards!”

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