He’d Never Be Voted Off Strictly Govern UK says Johnson!
Strictly Star Ed Balls would salsa into government if Boris Johnson became Prime Minister sources close to the Foreign Secretary told journalists yesterday.
The unnamed source said that the former Labour front bencher and TV dancing sensation would be offered a peerage, with Lord Balls of the Blackpool Empress Ballroom becoming the government spokesperson for the Trade and Development.
An economist by training, having lectured at both Harvard and Oxford, Balls will be tasked with injecting some cha cha cha into the British economy with a fiscal jive, making Britain great again and putting a spring back into our quick step.
“It won’t be a balls up when Ed’s finished, even Craig Revel Horwood will award his puffed out Paso Doble of prosperity 10 points!” this source is claimed to have said.
After a dramatic call to toy manufacturers Hasbro Donald Trump has appointed GI Joe codename ‘Duke’ as Homeland Defence Secretary.
The president elect told journalists that he’d watched two feature length documentaries where this great man has saved the world from COBRA and there was no one more capable from protecting the United States from ISIS, Al Qaeda and Jeremy Beadle; Trump still continuing his personal vendetta against this comedian following an episode of ‘You’ve Been Framed’ where he was tricked into believing Darth Vader was President of the European Union and Princess Leia wanted him to join her on a date so she could make his lightsabre go ‘woooosh’.
‘Duke’ has been relieved of all his duties with the elite GI Joe wing of the US Army and upon his return from Syria, where he’s been fighting ISIS and their secret backer ‘Destro’, will gain full security clearance and begin the mammoth task of securing the US borders while hunting out terrorist and insurgents like Bernie Sanders. ‘Duke’ will be aided in this task by fellow members of GI Joe, with ‘Roadblock’ and ‘Gung-Ho’ already patrolling the Mexican border with extreme prejudice.
It is believed that ‘Snake Eyes’ was offered a role within the Trump administration but has not commented, sources close to this secretive soldier met with the president elect was mute throughout the encounter then made various lewd hand gestures before silently walking away from an enraged Trump. Comic studios have also been approached to provide senior staff for the Trump administration and Sylvester Stallone dressed as Judge Dredd is to become Attorney General.
After watching ‘Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure’ while waiting for the polls to close on Tuesday Donald Trump has decided that music can bring about world peace, and the music to bring about global harmony is that of the 90’s girl band ‘B*Witched’.
The task was initially offered to the Spice Girls, the Pussycat Dolls and Destiny Child but this prestigious role was refused for ‘personal reasons’ with sources close to Mel C from the Spice Girls state it’s because Trump is a ‘creepy fucker’.
B*Witched jumped at the chance and are looking forward to this new role, it being superior to flipping burgers or appearing as the ‘Fairy Godmother’ in Cinderella at the Wolverhampton Grand Theatre. The foursome have been flown to the USA and will soon begin rehearsing for their roles, Trump believing hits such as ‘C’est la Vie’ and ‘Don’t Blame it on the Weatherman’ will convince ISIS to lay down their weapons and renounce violent jihad.
It is believed that Donald Trump has assigned special roles of Personal Advisors to the twins within the group, Keavy and Edele, who will be tasked with ‘briefing’ him daily.
Transfer News: Wayne Rooney Moves to Chesterfield University Hospitals FC
In a desperate attempt to save their season the Spirite Surgeons have spent big and paid Manchester United £8.9m for the services of Wayne Rooney. The England striker will be turning out on Saturday against in the local derby Derby City Hospital FC.
The hospital funded football team had been languishing at the bottom of NHS Division 3 and a run of winning form would be a welcome moral boost for the cash strapped hospital, thus spending £8.9m on a white elephant is money well spent. When not playing Rooney will be employed as a hospital porter, pushing patients and beds around the hospital being valuable cardiovascular training. Being new to the NHS and having no prior experience of being porter the former Manchester United forward will be paid at the start of payband 3, hopefully he does not find this step down in salary too demeaning while stepping up to do actual public service.
The Boat Race!
Following a tense sudden death row off Chesterfield University have been promoted to the Rowing Premier League at the expense of Oxford, whose demotion will result in the self-declared ‘Toffs of the Water’ competing with oiks from Reading, Loughborough and Wolverhampton.
Chesterfield University Hospitals is proud to support their affiliated university and the drugs supplied to the rowing team were for therapeutic purpose only and in no way boosted performance. The breaking of three world records is purely coincidental, so is the use of Lance Armstrong as a ‘performance coach’.
Not since 1965 has another university taken part in the annual boat race on the Thames, that year Oxford and Cambridge were joined by the University of Lancaster whose team flouted all conventions by using a steam powered motor launch and conducting boarding actions upon the oppositions boats. This it transpired was not against the rules and despite it being bad form it was perfectly legitimate to kidnap the Cambridge crew and sell 8 Eton educated sons of aristocrats into indentured labour, becoming the servants of northern pit workers and forced to live off a diet of bread and dripping for a period of 10 years.
Mr Kipling Sponsors A&E
Following in-depth, and more importantly very expensive, research by ParasitesWastrelsCharlatans it has been ascertained that A&E is governed by the equation E=MC and in times of crisis it becomes E=MC2. In lay womans terms it means a hospitals capacity to cope with an Emergency it’s the number of Medics multiplied by the availability of Cake. The greater the magnitude of emergency the greater the need for cake.
Following of from this ground-breaking research Mr Kipling are proud to sponsor Chesterfield University Hospitals ‘Exceedingly Good Accident and Emergency Department’. The free cake for consultants, subsidised cake for consultants and no discounts for nurses (well the little ladies need help to keep their figures) will result in top class service being provided and waiting targets hit month in, month out. In addition to this hospital security will be sponsored by Anasol as they will now be empowered to rid of irritating pains in bum or members of the public who’ve rocked up at A&E with non-emergency conditions.