Author Archives

by

Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Party pledges to bring failing political party into public ownership within two years of coming into power in the biggest reform of the UK’s parliamentary democracy since World War 2.

In a speech on Thursday, Labours Deputy Leader Angela Rayner said nationalisation “is not going to be easy and it will take hard graft, but it will be my mission to get the utter shambles that is the Conservative Party into a fit shape and deliver effective opposition by 2030”.

“The Great British electorate deserve better than this shambles who, as proved in the recent post PMQs pub quiz, don’t know their arse from their elbow”, the Labour Deputy Leader continued, “We will show we will make bold changes where the current Conservative party is failing with leaders such Truss, Sunak and Johnson along with MPs including Sebastian Fox, Michael Green and Grant Schaps”.

Labour insiders hailed the announcement as the moment the Conservative Party would become less reliant upon donations from unsavoury groups and individuals, and forced into supporting the smoking, gambling and pro Russia lobbies. “Conservative Party will become an agent for positive change instead of supporting their nefarious paymasters and being cunts to the common person” Rayner continued.

“It’s the hard working tax payer that pays the price of this sub optimal Conservative Party, at least in the 1980s and early 1990s the likes of Thatcher, Hurd, Howe, Major and Brandeth had va va voom…a sense of purpose and didn’t need Mr Tumble to show them how to count to ten”.  

However, the plans do not include nationalisation of Liz Truss and Boris Johnson even if they remain Conservative Party members, both being beyond redemption. Both former PM’s will be exiled to Rwanda along with Suella Braverman, a safe country so no security arrangements will be required to enable these individuals to start new lives. Hopefully this action will deter future MPs from acting like ‘”Mindless Fucking Idiots!” in the future.  

by

Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox Says RAF Planes to be Used for Rwanda Deportations

Interviewed on the Today program Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox stated that decommissioned RAF Tornados will be used to facilitate Rwanda Deportations. Previous attempts to use charter flights for deporting asylum seekers had failed leaving the government little option but use RAF planes.

The Ministry of Defense was tasked to review the most cost-effective way of doing this without reducing the RAF’s operation effectiveness, its plans to deploy decommissioned Tornado multirole combat aircraft to be transport asylum seekers individually to Rwanda. Upon reaching the Rwandan airspace pilots will eject their passenger, leaving the asylum seeker to parachute down to a new life in the African country, armed with their official documentation, a mobile phone and £1000 in used £50 notes.

Asked about this on Sky News Fox said, “I will do whatever we need to do to make sure that we can get these asylum seekers deported to Rwanda”.

To prove this point Fox later gave a press conference announcing he will be taking a leave of absence from his ministerial duties to captain an impounded small boat from Portsmouth to Rwanda, personally deporting a failed asylum seeker, former Afghan Special Forces guardsman Farzan. Five seconds into the voyage Farzan leapt into the water and swam to shore. Despites numerous radio messages Sebastian Fox seems unaware Farzan is no longer being onboard and at time of press is continuing his voyage, having reached the Bay of Biscay enroute to the Mediterranean. There he will continue to up the Nile to Lake Victoria and hopes to find navigable waterways to Rwanda.

Prime Ministers Rishi Sunak’s only comment on this scheme is that used £50 notes are to be given to the failed asylum seekers as it is his belief this is the smallest value bank note produced by the Bank of England and it is not cost effective to fill a Tornado with £2 coins.  

by

News in Brief

William Wragg right to apologise, says Rishi Sunak

The Prime Minister has accepted the honey trap MP’s, William Wragg, apology.

“I would have liked to have my telephone number shared and naked photos be sent to me but alas this didn’t happen, William Wragg has apologised and s now making recompense. I am enjoying my daily dick pic; today it was a picture of Boris Johnson”.

Trump Eats Like a Pig

Off the record accounts on David Camerons meeting with Donald trump report that the former US President ‘eats like a pig’ with no idea which spoon to use for soup or aware that he should chew with his mouth closed. Rumours are unconfirmed that the Foreign Minister got aroused at Trumps hoglike troffing, reminding him of university days at the Bullingdon Club.

Wilson Had an Affair While In Home Guard

Former Prime Minister Harold Wilson had an affair while in the Home Guard it has been revealed. Mavis Pike, mother of fellow Home Guardsman Frank Pike, published letters between herself and Wilson in which their intimate relationship was detailed along with Wilsons burgeoning political ambitions as he helped the wartime cabinet as a civil servant. In the last letter, sent just after Wilsons marriage to Mary Baldwin, the future Prime Minister proclaimed his longing for Mavis to put his ‘pipe’ in her mouth one more time and that Frank Pike, despite Captain Mainwaring rightly calling him a ‘stupid boy’, has more brain cells than Lord Halifax and Lord Gort combined.

John Cena Not Hoopy Frood Who Knows Where His Towel Is

Despite being a mindbogglingly stupid animal the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal has eaten wrestler John Cene at Wrestlemania XL, becoming the WWE Heavyweight Champion in the process.

‘You can’t see me’ claimed the WWE wrestler, wafting his hand in front of his eyes to avoid the beasts gaze. Alas the daft as a brush animal loss of vision was only temporary and soon began chomping upon Mr Cena in front of a stunned 60000 audience.

Multiple stars ran in to help the stricken wrestler but all failed, eventually the crowd popped to cries of “Head, Head, Head” when the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal held Cena’s lifeless head to its face and started having a conversation with it.

by

Sunak ‘Confident’ Can Get Car Up and Running

Prime minister sure he can lead family on trip to Legoland during Easter Holiday despite numerous setbacks.

‘I am committed to taking the children on the Dragon Ride and walking through the Miniland with his wife’ Sunak told journalists ‘This is important for the family, all I need to do is work out how to start the car and make the short drive to Windsor’.

Sunaks repeated attempts to get the car up and running have failed due to loosing keys, losing his way politically and losing his height boosting shoes required to make sure he’s tall enough to get on the rides.

The Prime Minister and his family are currently trapped in the stationary family car as Sunak refuses to relinquish driving duties despite being unsure what pedal does what in the automatic car. His children have asked him to step aside and let someone else have a go at leading the Legoland bound party, but Sunak has refused.

Its is reported that Penny Mordaunt has offered to help out, but she has publicly denied this.

by

News in Thong!

Like news in brief but even shorter!

Historians studying the Royal Archives at Highgrove discovered Queen Victoria had 17 Husbands during her reign. Some of these husbands were other peoples and not her own. On 14th May 1854 she entertained six husbands in her Balmoral boudoir and afterwards informed Prime Minster Disraeli ‘One is not amused, one is sexually sated’.

According to this years A Level History Syllabus the ‘Diet of Worms’ was where Martin Luther and Charles V agreed to eat nought but protein rich wriggly creatures to loose weight, embarking on the first recorded Akins Diet. The Department of Education publicly claimed that hackers were responsible but trusted sources within the department blame Michael Gove.

Nine out of Ten Americans over the age of 40 believe that Chris Columbus discovered the Americas while having a break in the filming of Harry Potter and Philosophers Stone. Until the early 2000’s the continent was unknow to anyone beyond some vague references in Viking sagas and Hollywood movies.

In another colossal error of judgement The Post Office celebrated ‘World Forgiveness Day’ by releasing a stamp of Alan Bates and Paula Venelles embraced in a passionate kiss. Initially the Post Office claimed it was an undoctured photo on the stamp until journalists pointed out the obviously AI generated image included two people, six arms and Paula Venelles having the tongue of a viper.

by

Message to Headteachers within the Union of Socialist School Academies

Dear Comrades

As Supreme Leader it was good to see a number of my serfs at this week’s GEF and I look forward to some again at the Southern GEF shortly. There is no Northern GEF, I do not sully my immortal soul by visiting the north; being more than 45 minutes away from Harrods triggers anxiety attacks.  If you don’t know what a GEF is you will never know, we’ll never explain it nor will you be invited.

USSA Learning Leadership Symposium – All Heads

Invitations to the USSA Learning Leadership Symposium have been sent by email, attendance is voluntary but nonattendance will result banishment to Chesterfield and there employed as menial kitchen staff at Newbold Communsit School. The agenda must be memorised in advance but will not be distributed until three days after the symposium.

Retention of Payments – Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Computer Teachers

As Supreme Leader I am all knowing and those whose forte threatens my ego are to be penalised, a 10% know it all surcharge will be levied on salary payments for Maths, Physics, Chemistry and Computer Teachers. Biology is viewed to be an arts subject and not a true science thus unimportant.

Supreme Leader Update

Three days ago my coffee had LSD added to it by subversive forces. Tripping the light fantastic meetings were held with a dozen kumquats, Marvin Gaye and the essence of Nostalgia which was highly entertaining. Despite this entertaining experience perpetrators of future attacks upon my reality will be met with unremitting force, preferably gravity as they fall from Beachy Head.

International Fart Competition – All Secondary Heads (For information)

I am aware that many believe this to be a lot of hot air but The International Fart Competition 2024 is now open.  It is open to all United Socialist School pupils aged 15-18, with the winning entrant’s gargantuan guff receiving an all-expenses paid trip to Japan to see the Flatulence University Campus Kyoto, where research into tremendous trumps rivals that of the former US Presidents.

Safer Internet Day 6th February 2024

The Truth Team have prerecorded videos to be played to staff and students with regards to safe, responsible, and positive use of digital technology. Only Truth Team approved apps and websites are permitted.

Both staff and students must promptly provide access to all devices upon request by a member of the Leadership Conclave, Truth Team member or a schools Deacon of Enlightenment. If the use of unpermitted digital technologies or websites is identified the person will be summarily exiled to the caldera of Mount Etna, being an active volcano it`ll be a warm welcome.

by

Order of the Phoenix Lose Second Wizarding War After Potter Doping Confirmed

The Order of the Phoenix and associated groups such as Dumbledores Army have been stripped of its 1998 Second Wizarding War victory after Harry Potter failed a doping test the Ministry of Magic have confirmed.

It found that Harry Potter used the banned substance ‘Felix Felicis’, and is the biggest doping scandal in the wizarding world since Ilvermorny alumni Lance Armstrong used a supply of Strengthening Solutions during his 5 Tour de France victories.

Potter has blamed his failed test on erroneous advice from Hogwarts Teacher Horace Slughorn. However, under the strict liability rules of the Wizarding Anti-Doping Agency, that is no defence.

In a statement Potter said: “I accept WADAs decision with sadness. I would like to make it clear that I unknowingly consumed a banned substance this was the reason why an anti-doping rule violation occurred. I sincerely regret that this has inadvertently led to the Order of the Phoenix’s  forfeiture of the Second Wizarding War. I would like to apologise to every Witch, Wizard and muggle alike for the impact which this has had on them. That is something I will regret for the rest of my life.”

The news means that the Death Eaters, led by Lord Voldemort, have been awarded the Second Wizarding War win. “Due to unscrupulous behaviour of drug cheat Harry Potter Lord Voldemort is no longer alive, Alecto and Amycus Carrow have been crowned victors and we now bow to their supreme authority” the new Minister of Magic Lucious Malfoy decreed after installing his son, Draco, as headmaster of Hogwarts.

All members of the Order of the Phoenix have been requested to report to Azkaban for internment, those who refuse this request will be hunted down with extreme prejudice. At Draco Malfoys request Ron Weasley has been pardoned as he poses no danger, even with wand in hand is armed but extremely useless, possessing the emotional range of a teaspoon and threat of kumquat.

Despite now living in a Death Eater dictatorship it has been observed that most of the United Kingdom have failed to notice anything unusual has occurred due to suffering from 12 years of Conservative government.

by

Locals Brought Back to the Lake District

More than 200 captive-bred locals have been released at a secret location near Elsmere, a part of an attempt to create a thriving rural economy in Cumbria.

Locals have nearly been wiped out in many parts of the country due the lack of affordable housing and lack of jobs, with dwellings bought as second homes or converted into Air BnB’s.

This reintroduction is the first in the Lake District, with Locals given new homes at a temporary release glamping pen before being allocated residences after acclimatising to the local area.

 This release is the culmination of more than two years of work restoring community to Cumbria, a project that has included a campaign to ‘know thy neighbour’, replacing prevalence of ‘ignore thy neighbour and if they knock on the door turn the tele up/pretend you’re out’. ‘Love thy neighbour’ was briefly trialed but this was abandoned after a number of broken marriages, unwanted pregnancies and scandal when the priest married a parishioner and is now self-identifying as Catherine.

The project is managed by the Royal Society for the Protection of Commoners, according to the charity in the past century the population of locals has dropped from eight million to 132000, disappearing from 94% of the sites they’d previously occupied.

The RSPC was set up to lobby parliament with regards to field sports of Navvy Hunting and Serf Coursing and the shooting of labourers instead of paying them; common practice within the landed gentry. The push to escape these practices, along with the lack of rural employment and housing pulling commoners to the towns and cities has left Cumbria bereft of people to cook, clean and do menial jobs around the farm. This role was briefly filled with foreigners but thanks to voting overwhelming for Brexit the need for locals has been amplified.      

RSPB conservation scientist Dr Ashely Lyons said locals had become a “missing piece” of this landscape.

“Through their toils the local echo system works, they’re an important part of the chain enabling the lives of the privileged. It’s fabulous to see them back here.”

“It was exciting to set them free in the Cumbrian landscape”, Dame Eva Greaves, from the Westbourne Estate said, “its lovely to see locals back where they should be”. It is believed that Dame Eva will be providing accommodation and jobs for acclimatised locals, promising not to shoot, injure or maim any unlike her ancestors where ‘old Bessie’, an ancient blunderbuss, has over 50 kill notches upon its butt.  

by

Nadine Dorries not doing MP’s job properly, says Sub Prime Rishi Sunak

Prime minister Rishi Sunak told journalists from the News of the World ‘Nadine Dorries’s constituents are not being properly represented’, the former culture secretary ‘isn’t doing her job properly’.

“I should recognise incompetence, given its something I do well” said the Prime Mister to the group of year 7 students who he’d mistook for journalists representing a now defunct newspaper. He later revealed his governmental email password to be ‘Rishi1234’ in response to a question for something he’d done which was really stupid in 2023.

Nadine Dorris announced in June she was standing down as MP for Mid Bedfordshire with immediate effect and Mr Sunak was surprised to hear she was still an MP, ’Is she, that’s not good is it, you’d think she’d do what she said she’d do…but who am I to speak?’ he told the students before acknowledging that the Conservative Party would be using ChatGPT to write the 2024 manifesto.  

Ms Dorries, whose salary as an MP is £86,584,has not spoken in the Commons since June 2022,  Rishi Sunak admitted that he wished he had a similar record.  He also expressed a wish he’d never appeared on Countdown last week, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer telling Colin Murry he’d no idea how to reach the target score of 500 with the numbers 5, 100, 10, 4 and 1.

A Boris Johnson loyalist Ms Dorries accused Mr Sunak of removing her name from the former PM’s resignation honours list but Rishi Sunak has refuted this stating Boris Johnson desired for Andy Pandy, Andy Grey, Andy Peters and Andy Bell to be elevated to the Lords with Ms Doris was to become a knight of the Kingsguard, Boris Johnson having mistaken ‘A Game of Thrones’ with reality and given numerous allies various fictional honours. Jacob Reece Mogg was more then happy to be the Hand of the Former Prime Minister, personally ensuring Mr Johnson had suitable stress relief during the comings and goings of life post parliament.

Mr Sunak  is also to publish a book titled ‘The Plot: The Political Assassination of Colin Cucumber in the Downing Street Allotment’, a thriller for children ghost written by Baldrick.

by

Ten Million Bots join Twitter Rival

Threads announces 10 million and one users sign up in first seven hours since launch, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg states majority AI Bots with the only human users being him, Stephen Fry and Tom from Myspace.

Zuckerberg pitched the app as a rival to Twitter, that has been creatively despoiled by Elon Musk since October

“Threads already has almost 10 million Bots trolling all unsundry, more than Twitter! Musk is a looser, can’t wait to pummel walrus face with the Meta Elbow! Can you smell what the Zuckerburg is cooking”

This turned out to be nothing as at point Zuckerberg’s mum called him home for tea for pot roast.

Earlier, Mark Zuckerberg said keeping the platform “friendly… will ultimately be the key to its success. Basically trolls are not allowed to swear, invoke Nazi Germany or discuss which way the jam and butter goes on a cream tea”.

Elon Musk responded “You sit there and you thump alone to your Instagram account and say your prayers to big boobies…it don’t get you anywhere! Talk about your Facebook, talk about Meta 3:16… Musk 3:16 says I gonna whip your ass!”