Monthly Archives: April 2014

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Danny Dyer to Write Conservative Manifesto

After a meeting of minds while recording of the official First World War centenary album David Cameron has shocked his party by announcing East Enders actor Danny Dyer is to compose the Conservatives 2015 Manifesto.

“Danny is a top geezer, profound political thinker and true patriot; I can think of no one better to write the Conservative Parties declaration of intent in the coming election”.

In his annual 1922 Committee speech the Prime Minister told assembled backbench MP’s “Danny has sound pedigree in getting his views across to the public, as Zoo agony uncle this fine gentleman advised a heartbroken man to ‘cut your ex’s face, and then no one will want her’; words worthy of Keats himself. ”

‘New faces, old ideas’ would be the manifestos underlying thread. Thatcher’s death meant a new generation could rise in a party no longer haunted by her spectre, and Danny was to be seen as the vanguard for this rejuvenation. When asked for more details to be included within the manifesto David Cameron was cagey; stating that it would be bold, brave and backward thinking.

“Danny and I agreed that women should be patronised in parliament and wrought to our whims in private, his suggestion that unsightly pubic hair should be scorched from a females fanny made me chuckle but am not sure Samantha would agree”.

The Prime Minister and Old Vic landlord met during the recording of poetry and music to mark the centenary of World War One, Cameron reciting Rupert Brooke’s poem ‘The Soldier’ and Dyer reading ‘In Memoriam’ by Ewart Alan Mackintosh. The albums proceeds will be donated to the Royal British Legion, helping to meet the cost of supporting service personnel and their families.

 “The First World War was hauntingly captured by young men, the likes of John McCrae and Wilfred Owen, who saw the trauma and tragedy of war. This album and this manifesto will keep alive those moments for future generations; Danny has publically stated he wants to ‘smack’ critics who castigate his artistic endeavours and proposes this proud nation follows suit. Likewise we should mark to the drum and strike down with great vengeance all those who belittle Britannia!”

Not all within the Conservative Party are pleased with this development, chairman Silas Ramsbottom stating it to be “hilarious”;believing the speech to be the product of too much claret and “political suicide of the highest order”, something he wished Michael Gove would do.

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iHospital: Apple Revolutionises Healthcare

iHospital: Chesterfield University Hospitals and Apple Unite to Transform Healthcare

01 April 2014

 Chesterfield University Hospitals has signed contracts with Apple to transform patient services through their innovative iHospital ap.

 Available on iPhones and iPads this ap will enable the patient to diagnose then treat common ailments and conduct, self administered, minor operations.

 The new system will be fully supported by virtual clinicians; guiding patients through best practice, writing prescriptions and most importantly treating them in the comforting environment of home. Patients with access to a 3D printer will be able to manufacture their own implements and medical supplies, then with the aid of easily available pain killers such as paracetamol, operate thanks to‘Apple Surgical Solutions’ (ASS). ASS will even provide details of local drug dealers in case opiate based pain relief is required following an adverse event.

 Dr David Chivers said“Safety is crucial, using the phones gyroscopic thingy a patients hand tremor will be tested, only the steadiest will be allowed to perform anything but the simplest of surgery; with ASS we’re confident that soon 9 out of 10 men will soon be repairing their own hernia’s and home vasectomies will be the norm.”

 “The collaboration between Apple and Chesterfield University Hospitals is about putting our patients in a position where they’re more involved in their own care, in a safer and more effective manner than costly visits to hospital. The NHS needs to up its game and this is the right thing to do. With free Wi-Fi onsite those not so confident in home surgery are welcome to operate in the Concourse, reassured by constant flow of medical practitioners buying coffee and cakes; meaning help is seconds away in case of an accident or emergency”.

To facilitate this safe self surgery a new ‘ASS Zone’ has been prepared next to Costa Coffee, populated today by executives and directors demonstrating how technological innovations are transforming the patient experience. Dr Jayne Cooper’s mild mishap stress testing the emergency procedure, when the screen froze nearby junior doctors interrupted their breakfasts and leapt into action, preventing a potential fatal haemorrhage while the 3D Printer was switched on and off again.

An additional module can be purchased, enabling the budding home MD to complete cosmetic surgery at home,“Why pay £5000 for a silicone breast enlargement when for a £5 download and a handful of plastercine you can go from go from a B to a D cup, and its non toxic to boot!”