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J D Vances Magic 8 Ball of Bullshit – 29.05.25

Today’s Proclamations from the Vice president of the USA

In 1233 JD Vances honoured ancestor, allied to the Mongol Horde of Atilla the Hun, entered capital of the Jin dynasty of China, and looted it after a 13-month siege. Vance would like China to know that history could repeat itself so be afraid, very afraid.

In 1416 the VSS Enterprise and supporting vessels defeated many Ottoman ships at the Battle of Gallipoli. Venetian Captain Giacomo T. Kirk boldly went on to secure naval superiority in the Aegean Sea for the next few decades.

In 1913 the premier of woke ballet Le Sacre du printemps by Igor Stravinsky caused a riot when disgusted good old boys shielded the eyes of women and children from the shameful disgrace on stage before kicking off in the interval. The fighting only stopped with the onset of World War I.

In 1999 Charlotte Perrelli won the Eurovision song contest, Lord Almighty President Donald Trump thinks she’s still a beautiful woman and would like to give her one.

In 2011 Misguided residents of Portland, Oregon, held a rally called Hands Across Hawthorne in response to an attack against a gay couple holding hands while crossing the Hawthorne Bridge. All known participants are to be deported and interned in Cecot, El Salvador’s notorious maximum-security prison, only after having a hand amputated for further prevent reoffending.   

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Shitshow Company Fined for Shitshow

Thames Water has been fined a fuck load of money for being, in the words of water industry regulator Ofwat, a Shitshow Company.

The £122m fine is for breaching rules and unregulated releases of sewage, or as OFWAT described It ‘we’ve not seen such a release of crap since Boris Johnson’s last speech as prime Minister. In 2024 Thames Water were full Gammon, dumping effluent like a Reform Party candidate ranting about a lesbian transexual asylum seeker just saying ‘Thankyou’ instead of fully prostrating themselves in gratitude for being given the 20p found on the way to buying his morning cuppa; from a BRITISH TEASHOP, NOT COFFEE SHOP!’

Thames Water said it took protecting the environment and being a socially responsible company seriously, which is why it uses fair trade coal to power its head office furnaces and the lavishly watered and manicured office golf course was surrounded by security fences, patrolled by armed guards. “No woke fuckers going to throw paint onto this lush green paradise with Omnicorp securing the perimeter!” stated CEO Chris Weston before teeing off with Donald trump Jr.

Ofwat have confirmed the fines would be paid by the company and its investors, Chris Weston stated” its loose change” and paying it personally will only moderately impact his yearly bonus.

It has been almost two years since Thames Waters dire financial situation emerged, with two thirds of bill payers’ money being used to service debts. More specifically board members loan their annual bonus back to the company at an unprecedented 54% interest rate. “Campaigners call us corporate wankers, well yes we are as we all like the odd hand shandy but unlike them we’re filthy rich and raking it in each year” Chris Weston told journalists before making a V sign to camera.

OFWAT has proposed that if its swage discharged targets are not met in 2025, they will be imposing their greatest sanction of writing a stern letter to Chris Westons wife, complaining that her husband is an “Irresponsible meanie and could she kindly discuss the matter with him”.

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US Government Pauses Intelligence

Superpower and world largest economy, the USA, has pushed the worlds future into doubt with a pause on intelligence; instead making policy based upon JD Vance’s ‘Magic 8 Ball of Bullshit’.

Each morning the Vice President will deputise for Milania Trump, fellate his master, then shake his ‘Magic Ball of Bullshit’ that will decide any important decisions that need to be made that day. This morning the White House Press Office informed journalists that:

42 Byzantine Officials executed in 845 for refusing to convert to Isam would be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Pope Nicolas V is to be excommunicated for being too woke.

Coats Land in Antarctica is to be renamed Chillie, Chillie is to be renamed Gulf of Mexico.

The SAS, a UK Special Forces unit, is to be disbanded for making US Special Forces look incompetent.

Singapore is to be declared the world’s largest art installation and will be sold at Sothebys New York in June.

Yesterday’s decision to end support to Ukraine has been stricken from the record following news reaching the Vice President regarding the Battle of Aizkraukle, where Lithuania defeated the Livonian Order in 1279.

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“Say Thank You”, Robert Jenrick Demands Gratitude from Former Colonies.

Tory Leadership also ran Robert Jenrick stated Britains former colonies should be grateful for the legacy of empire, with leather and ironwork industries cited as something countries that were part of the British Empire developed in nations

“Yes we killed the indigenous population, then we killed slaves who did not accept they were our possessions but it wasn’t all bad” Robert Jenrick told GB News, “those countries developed industries around slavery that they benefit from today”. 

The leadership candidate then talked about how Michael Gove, despite usually backing British, furnished the Stephen Milligan Memorial Dungeon with high quality implements of detention and discipline purchased from Trinidad.

Jenrick also criticised the growing momentum to provide reparations and justice to countries and people affected by transatlantic slavery. “I have been a slave, I spent three years serving Mistress Braverman and this was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. Some of those transported to the colonies spent most of their lives having a similar experience; the lucky bastards!”

Commonwealth leaders believe that, firstly, the time has come for a conversation about slave trade reparations and secondly people like Robert Jenrick should to get a grip on reality. Its not “leftists peddling pseudo-Marxist gibberish to the impressionable, at the time Britain was shitty, cruel and a violent tyranny who decimated human lives by treating them as labouring property not people” declared Commonwealth Secretary-General Shirley Ayorkor Botchwey.

Robert Jenrick responded that “I’m not ashamed of our history, I was born a white British male thus have won the lottery of life”.

The Conservative leadership very hopeful, probably not a chance, ended the interview with an impromptu rendition of Venus in Furs by the Velvet Underground.

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Weeping Angel Expelled by Conservative Party

The Conservative Party has said the Weeping Angel was expelled “following the recommendation of a disciplinary panel”. The predatory alien with horrific demonic aspects, vampiric teeth, and clawed hands was seen as “too woke” for the modern-day Conservative Party declared panel chair Suella Braverman.

The Tories have now stripped the Weeping Angel of their party membership, another victim of the culture wars purge that has seen Darth Sidious, the Cylons, Montgomery Burns and the Fonz be cast out of the Conservatives.

Spoiled sadistic bully Joffrey Baratheon was seen as a rising start within the party until it was discovered his personal motto of ‘Ours is the Fury’ was a typo and should read ‘Ours is the Furry’ and in private the amoral sadistic tyrant identifies as a dire wolf, subordinate to his pack leader; fellow furry Michael Fabricant.  

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Rishi Sunak Subject to Investigation in Betting Scandal

The Prime Minister has become the latest politician to be subject to investigation by the gambling watchdog, after admitting he put £500 on the election date just 10 minutes before announcing it outside 10 Downing Street.

As journalists waited in the rain outside 10 Downing Street the PM was having a flutter, the delay in announcing the election was caused by tech whiz Rishi Sunak trying to work out how to open a Paddy Power online account, and in his haste managed to wager £500 on 14th July. 10 Minutes later Sunak announced that the election would be held on 4th July.

Michael Gove, the levelling up secretary, likened this scandle to the Partygate Affair that also involved Rishi Sunak, and has led to the Labour Party wondering if it needs to spend any money on campaigning as the Tory Party are happily doing their work for them.

“Not only are the Tories showing their selfish crooks but they’re incompetent, how can you trust this man to run a country when he cant win a wager he already knows the result of! Cretin!” Kier Stamer told journalists in his daily briefing before cancelling all future briefings to spend more time “laughing at Conservative Party fuck ups”, before reminding everyone that his father “was a tool maker”.

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Full statement from Rishi Sunak explaining why he is defecting to Labour, party that ‘looks to the future’

Today I announce that I have decided to join the Labour Party and that I will sit in Parliament as a Labour MP.

When I was elected, the Conservative Party occupied the centre ground of British politics despite being led by a pig fucker and then the crop destroying naughty ministers daughter.

Since then, many things have changed. The elected Prime Minister and all round godlike genius, Boris Johnson, was ousted in a coup led by myself. Under my leadership, the Conservatives have become a byword for incompetence and division. The centre ground has been ditched, replaced by drive towards the right, at times my governments policies would make Hitler, Stalin, Davros and Joe Lycett go ‘oh that’s a bit harsh!’

Meanwhile the Labour Party has changed out of all recognition. Since 2019, it has moved on from Jeremy Corbyn and now, under Keir Starmer, occupies the centre ground of British politics and more importantly has a chance of winning the election. I am a mercenary and am willing to ditch my own government to remain in power. Like Churchill, a dog I deeply admire, I say ‘oh yes’ to keeping the red flag flying high.

I have carefully considered this decision. Probably more than carefully than those made during the Covid pandemic, as I spent most of it partying with DJ Johnson and the Number 10 Massive.  We need to move on from the broken promises of my tired and chaotic Government. Britain needs a Government that will build a future of hope, optimism, opportunity and fairness. A Britain everyone can be part of, that will make the most of the opportunities that lie ahead. That’s why it’s time for change. Time for a Labour Government led by Keir Starmer. The General Election cannot come soon enough.

As Prime Minister it was in my power to call this General Election but unfortunately I am incompetent and should be remembered as a sub par politician whose failed to even reach the grade of Liz Truss, let alone Tony Blair, Margaret Thatcher, Michael Green and Sebastian Fox.

I submit this statement to the house, alas I cant be there in person as I’m locked in the lavatory and awaiting assistance.

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Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Labour Promise to Nationalise Conservative Paty Within Two Years

Party pledges to bring failing political party into public ownership within two years of coming into power in the biggest reform of the UK’s parliamentary democracy since World War 2.

In a speech on Thursday, Labours Deputy Leader Angela Rayner said nationalisation “is not going to be easy and it will take hard graft, but it will be my mission to get the utter shambles that is the Conservative Party into a fit shape and deliver effective opposition by 2030”.

“The Great British electorate deserve better than this shambles who, as proved in the recent post PMQs pub quiz, don’t know their arse from their elbow”, the Labour Deputy Leader continued, “We will show we will make bold changes where the current Conservative party is failing with leaders such Truss, Sunak and Johnson along with MPs including Sebastian Fox, Michael Green and Grant Schaps”.

Labour insiders hailed the announcement as the moment the Conservative Party would become less reliant upon donations from unsavoury groups and individuals, and forced into supporting the smoking, gambling and pro Russia lobbies. “Conservative Party will become an agent for positive change instead of supporting their nefarious paymasters and being cunts to the common person” Rayner continued.

“It’s the hard working tax payer that pays the price of this sub optimal Conservative Party, at least in the 1980s and early 1990s the likes of Thatcher, Hurd, Howe, Major and Brandeth had va va voom…a sense of purpose and didn’t need Mr Tumble to show them how to count to ten”.  

However, the plans do not include nationalisation of Liz Truss and Boris Johnson even if they remain Conservative Party members, both being beyond redemption. Both former PM’s will be exiled to Rwanda along with Suella Braverman, a safe country so no security arrangements will be required to enable these individuals to start new lives. Hopefully this action will deter future MPs from acting like ‘”Mindless Fucking Idiots!” in the future.  

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Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox Says RAF Planes to be Used for Rwanda Deportations

Interviewed on the Today program Defense Secretary Sebastian Fox stated that decommissioned RAF Tornados will be used to facilitate Rwanda Deportations. Previous attempts to use charter flights for deporting asylum seekers had failed leaving the government little option but use RAF planes.

The Ministry of Defense was tasked to review the most cost-effective way of doing this without reducing the RAF’s operation effectiveness, its plans to deploy decommissioned Tornado multirole combat aircraft to be transport asylum seekers individually to Rwanda. Upon reaching the Rwandan airspace pilots will eject their passenger, leaving the asylum seeker to parachute down to a new life in the African country, armed with their official documentation, a mobile phone and £1000 in used £50 notes.

Asked about this on Sky News Fox said, “I will do whatever we need to do to make sure that we can get these asylum seekers deported to Rwanda”.

To prove this point Fox later gave a press conference announcing he will be taking a leave of absence from his ministerial duties to captain an impounded small boat from Portsmouth to Rwanda, personally deporting a failed asylum seeker, former Afghan Special Forces guardsman Farzan. Five seconds into the voyage Farzan leapt into the water and swam to shore. Despites numerous radio messages Sebastian Fox seems unaware Farzan is no longer being onboard and at time of press is continuing his voyage, having reached the Bay of Biscay enroute to the Mediterranean. There he will continue to up the Nile to Lake Victoria and hopes to find navigable waterways to Rwanda.

Prime Ministers Rishi Sunak’s only comment on this scheme is that used £50 notes are to be given to the failed asylum seekers as it is his belief this is the smallest value bank note produced by the Bank of England and it is not cost effective to fill a Tornado with £2 coins.  

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News in Brief

William Wragg right to apologise, says Rishi Sunak

The Prime Minister has accepted the honey trap MP’s, William Wragg, apology.

“I would have liked to have my telephone number shared and naked photos be sent to me but alas this didn’t happen, William Wragg has apologised and s now making recompense. I am enjoying my daily dick pic; today it was a picture of Boris Johnson”.

Trump Eats Like a Pig

Off the record accounts on David Camerons meeting with Donald trump report that the former US President ‘eats like a pig’ with no idea which spoon to use for soup or aware that he should chew with his mouth closed. Rumours are unconfirmed that the Foreign Minister got aroused at Trumps hoglike troffing, reminding him of university days at the Bullingdon Club.

Wilson Had an Affair While In Home Guard

Former Prime Minister Harold Wilson had an affair while in the Home Guard it has been revealed. Mavis Pike, mother of fellow Home Guardsman Frank Pike, published letters between herself and Wilson in which their intimate relationship was detailed along with Wilsons burgeoning political ambitions as he helped the wartime cabinet as a civil servant. In the last letter, sent just after Wilsons marriage to Mary Baldwin, the future Prime Minister proclaimed his longing for Mavis to put his ‘pipe’ in her mouth one more time and that Frank Pike, despite Captain Mainwaring rightly calling him a ‘stupid boy’, has more brain cells than Lord Halifax and Lord Gort combined.

John Cena Not Hoopy Frood Who Knows Where His Towel Is

Despite being a mindbogglingly stupid animal the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal has eaten wrestler John Cene at Wrestlemania XL, becoming the WWE Heavyweight Champion in the process.

‘You can’t see me’ claimed the WWE wrestler, wafting his hand in front of his eyes to avoid the beasts gaze. Alas the daft as a brush animal loss of vision was only temporary and soon began chomping upon Mr Cena in front of a stunned 60000 audience.

Multiple stars ran in to help the stricken wrestler but all failed, eventually the crowd popped to cries of “Head, Head, Head” when the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal held Cena’s lifeless head to its face and started having a conversation with it.