Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 20.02.15

 

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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12th February

Latest From the Board Meeting

Given the challenging environment encountered by the NHS nationwide Chesterfield University Hospitals will now be giving its performance figures in the style of Bridget Jones and her infamous diary.

Financial Outlook: VVBad!!!! Please can all employees look under their desks and behind sofa for loose change as every little helps.

A&E Patients Treated in 4 Hours: EEEKKKK…4 hours, 4 weeks, 4 months…if they have a 4 in them they’re the same…right?

Drugs Tests Failed: Oh my god I cant believe it, we’ve never had so many stoned surgeons before!

Flu Jab I Had, Had Jab But Flu I Have

Dr Zeuss was admitted to hospital with respiratory failure on Tuesday following contracting feline flu from a cat in a hat.

The children’s author had this years flu jab but this failed to protect him from the virus.

Hospital catering are aghast to discover his new work, ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, is inspired by the rancid food served during his stay at Chesterfield University Hospitals.

I Predict A Diet: Celebrate ‘Fight Obesity Day’

A cake sale will held in the Concourse on 16th February to raise funds to for the Fight Fat Fund, the UN backed campaign trying to trim the worlds waistlines.

Representatives from Against Sugary Snacks (ASS) will be on hand to give advice on a healthy lifestyle while Burger King has promised to donate £1 for ever burger sold this week.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 10.02.15

Nurse-Led Discharge Unit Gains New Sponsor

Chesterfield University Hospitals are proud to announce that the nurse-led discharge unit will now be known as the Anne Summers Discharge Unit from today.

The unit aims to ensure patients have a smooth and pleasant discharge, with additional funds and uniforms provided by Anne Summer ensuring the newly christened ‘Rabbit Ward’ has suitable staffing levels allowing nurses to provide close, hands on, attention.

“Our aim is to make sure patients leave this hospital with a smile on their faces and with the help of Anne Summers we can give everyone a happy ending to their stay” Medical Director Dr Chivers told the Press.

iHospital – Share Your Views

Following the outrage caused by this weekends iHospital outrage, where Chesterfield University Hospital was left with only one working computer, the views of staff are sought in a pretence of being an employer that listens to its staff. The tick box exercise will take place between 10th February and 23rd February, then the results will be ignored and all records of the survey expunged from the hospitals records.

The finance department has also been decontaminated following an outbreak of Norovirus, the cause of contagion an infected; even the departments low tech solutions to iHospital related issues have been hit by a bug.