I’ve been in hospital…

When I was admitted to hospital I was told to press this button to make a nurse come….

Keen to keep the staff happy I kept pressing it…initially I got a perky nurse going ‘Yes!’ but the button obviously lost some of it power as soon they would appear moaning  ‘yes’, but grumpily and obviously faking it.

 

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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 20.02.15

 

Today at 4:07 PM

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12th February

Latest From the Board Meeting

Given the challenging environment encountered by the NHS nationwide Chesterfield University Hospitals will now be giving its performance figures in the style of Bridget Jones and her infamous diary.

Financial Outlook: VVBad!!!! Please can all employees look under their desks and behind sofa for loose change as every little helps.

A&E Patients Treated in 4 Hours: EEEKKKK…4 hours, 4 weeks, 4 months…if they have a 4 in them they’re the same…right?

Drugs Tests Failed: Oh my god I cant believe it, we’ve never had so many stoned surgeons before!

Flu Jab I Had, Had Jab But Flu I Have

Dr Zeuss was admitted to hospital with respiratory failure on Tuesday following contracting feline flu from a cat in a hat.

The children’s author had this years flu jab but this failed to protect him from the virus.

Hospital catering are aghast to discover his new work, ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, is inspired by the rancid food served during his stay at Chesterfield University Hospitals.

I Predict A Diet: Celebrate ‘Fight Obesity Day’

A cake sale will held in the Concourse on 16th February to raise funds to for the Fight Fat Fund, the UN backed campaign trying to trim the worlds waistlines.

Representatives from Against Sugary Snacks (ASS) will be on hand to give advice on a healthy lifestyle while Burger King has promised to donate £1 for ever burger sold this week.

Conservative Party Recalls 165 Policies

David Cameron has confirmed that 165 Conservative policies, all made since taking power in 2010, are being recalled due to being not fit for purpose.

Continued failures within all departments left the Coalition government little choice but retract policies which include the ‘Single Universal Credit’ and 95% of the last two budgets; tax payers will not pay for remedial work, David Cameron and George Osborne offering to cover the costs with some ‘loose change they found down the back of the sofa’.

‘We are an omnishambles but equally we are rich, it is like the days our days in the Bullingdon Club. We sample life’s finery, trashed everything in sight and then, after a little high jinx but, we’d just pay for the damages’ Cameron announced to the House of Commons following during an emergency debate on the issue.

‘Its the Big Wodge Society, a bunch of chums playing and paying their way through life’ the Prime Minister continued, ‘ alas this damn coalition meant we needed day boy Clegg and his excuse me of friends; oh to debag the namby pampy and roast his hot crumpets on the Downing Street fire’.

David Cameron ended his speech by resigning, giving way to a better man. Ed Miliband initially welcomed this until he discovered that Boris Johnson had stepped down as Major of London and was palace bound to be sworn into government by the Queen. He is expected promote a number of women into the cabinet, hand picked for their political ‘assets’ which are often on display in the mens weekly magazine ‘Nuts’.

Eric Pickles is a Vogon in disguise.

Here is what to do if you want to get anything from Eric Pickles: forget it. He is one of the most unpleasant people in the Galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. He wouldn’t even lift a finger to save his own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. The best way to get a drink out of Eric Pickles is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. On no account should you allow Eric Pickles to read poetry at you.

Sloth Hallelujah

I heard there was a sloth that snored
He slept a lot cause he was bored
And you don’t care for moving do you?
He came down but once a week
To defecate, to take a leak
The lazy sloth composed a hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He had a brain but you needed proof
He hung from a tree with sky for roof
No muscle did he move may I ask you?
Digesting leaves and breaking wind
From his bottom a song did sing
The tune of gods secret hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He had three toes despite his name
His attempts at preening were so lame
If he did you`ld never notice would you?
There’s a blaze of green in his hair
In the trees he did nowt but stare
Dreaming of a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He did his best, it wasn’t much
He hated living in his hutch
No one wanted to visit him do you?
Even though the crowd did throng
No one in the zoo liked his song
Who cared as he played his hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah