I’ve been in hospital…

When I was admitted to hospital I was told to press this button to make a nurse come….

Keen to keep the staff happy I kept pressing it…initially I got a perky nurse going ‘Yes!’ but the button obviously lost some of it power as soon they would appear moaning  ‘yes’, but grumpily and obviously faking it.



Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 20.02.15


Today at 4:07 PM

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12th February

Latest From the Board Meeting

Given the challenging environment encountered by the NHS nationwide Chesterfield University Hospitals will now be giving its performance figures in the style of Bridget Jones and her infamous diary.

Financial Outlook: VVBad!!!! Please can all employees look under their desks and behind sofa for loose change as every little helps.

A&E Patients Treated in 4 Hours: EEEKKKK…4 hours, 4 weeks, 4 months…if they have a 4 in them they’re the same…right?

Drugs Tests Failed: Oh my god I cant believe it, we’ve never had so many stoned surgeons before!

Flu Jab I Had, Had Jab But Flu I Have

Dr Zeuss was admitted to hospital with respiratory failure on Tuesday following contracting feline flu from a cat in a hat.

The children’s author had this years flu jab but this failed to protect him from the virus.

Hospital catering are aghast to discover his new work, ‘Green Eggs and Ham’, is inspired by the rancid food served during his stay at Chesterfield University Hospitals.

I Predict A Diet: Celebrate ‘Fight Obesity Day’

A cake sale will held in the Concourse on 16th February to raise funds to for the Fight Fat Fund, the UN backed campaign trying to trim the worlds waistlines.

Representatives from Against Sugary Snacks (ASS) will be on hand to give advice on a healthy lifestyle while Burger King has promised to donate £1 for ever burger sold this week.

Conservative Party Recalls 165 Policies

David Cameron has confirmed that 165 Conservative policies, all made since taking power in 2010, are being recalled due to being not fit for purpose.

Continued failures within all departments left the Coalition government little choice but retract policies which include the ‘Single Universal Credit’ and 95% of the last two budgets; tax payers will not pay for remedial work, David Cameron and George Osborne offering to cover the costs with some ‘loose change they found down the back of the sofa’.

‘We are an omnishambles but equally we are rich, it is like the days our days in the Bullingdon Club. We sample life’s finery, trashed everything in sight and then, after a little high jinx but, we’d just pay for the damages’ Cameron announced to the House of Commons following during an emergency debate on the issue.

‘Its the Big Wodge Society, a bunch of chums playing and paying their way through life’ the Prime Minister continued, ‘ alas this damn coalition meant we needed day boy Clegg and his excuse me of friends; oh to debag the namby pampy and roast his hot crumpets on the Downing Street fire’.

David Cameron ended his speech by resigning, giving way to a better man. Ed Miliband initially welcomed this until he discovered that Boris Johnson had stepped down as Major of London and was palace bound to be sworn into government by the Queen. He is expected promote a number of women into the cabinet, hand picked for their political ‘assets’ which are often on display in the mens weekly magazine ‘Nuts’.

Eric Pickles is a Vogon in disguise.

Here is what to do if you want to get anything from Eric Pickles: forget it. He is one of the most unpleasant people in the Galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. He wouldn’t even lift a finger to save his own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. The best way to get a drink out of Eric Pickles is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. On no account should you allow Eric Pickles to read poetry at you.

Sloth Hallelujah

I heard there was a sloth that snored
He slept a lot cause he was bored
And you don’t care for moving do you?
He came down but once a week
To defecate, to take a leak
The lazy sloth composed a hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He had a brain but you needed proof
He hung from a tree with sky for roof
No muscle did he move may I ask you?
Digesting leaves and breaking wind
From his bottom a song did sing
The tune of gods secret hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He had three toes despite his name
His attempts at preening were so lame
If he did you`ld never notice would you?
There’s a blaze of green in his hair
In the trees he did nowt but stare
Dreaming of a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He did his best, it wasn’t much
He hated living in his hutch
No one wanted to visit him do you?
Even though the crowd did throng
No one in the zoo liked his song
Who cared as he played his hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

England ‘Gay and Proud’

Following sensational photos of England holding hands with Germany this green and pleasant land has come out of the closet.

In a dramatic press conference the Queen told stunned journalists ‘One is gay and one is proud. This fair nation is a player of the pink obo, it is a homosexual. Britannia was and never has been a trident wielding goddess but a demi god called Brian who flirted with transvestitism in 84 AD to avoid being drafted into the Roman army and has been in drag ever since”.

In today’s ‘Gay Times’ Brian told how ‘It was wear a dress or be butchered by Boudicca. Afterwards I began thinking hmmmm the wind around your English Channel is rather pleasing so remained a woman ever since’.

Discussing his relationship with Germany it emerged that the nations have been involved in a tempestuous love/hate affair with heated argument over where to squeeze the toothpaste tube resulting in two world wars. It was only when Germany cured its schizophrenia, with the countries collective consciousness no longer divided into east and west, were the two nations finally reunited. ‘Once Germany demolished the walls in its mind there was nothing that could stop us, it was like the good old days fondling each others currencies until pennies were spewed everywhere’.

Brian told the Gay Times that ‘Just because you’re gay it doesn’t mean you fancy every country that walks the planet; Scotland can sod off and have all the independence it wants! Im fed up with the wee country being on top all these years and anyhow I’ve seen under his kilt and even on warm days it is rather wee if you catch my drift’.

Brian didn’t divulge his view on Wales but sources have suggested that ‘every country needs a codpiece’.

High court overturns superinjunction granted to Maycombe Resident ‘Boo’ Radley

Secretive Maycombe resident Arthur ‘Boo’ Radley has refused to respond to press speculation after the high court overturned a superinjunction which prevented the reporting of allegations about his private life.

Atticus Finch, lawyer working on behalf of ‘Boo’ Radley, won an injunction last Friday following reports that the News of the World planned to write about his private life. Radley is alleged to have had an affair with Elizabeth Darcy, wife of wealthy landowner Fitzwilliam Darcy. Under the terms of the injunction no one involved or even the existence of the injunction could be disclosed.

Judge Fargo lifted the injunction yesterday saying that ‘All individuals have a right to privacy but the public have the right to know about the indiscressions of one who has traded upon their good character, making it the bulwark on which their reputation is built upon. There is a clear public interest and the applicants [Arthur Radley] human rights would not be diminished by publication of these revelations’.

Following the injunction being lifted the media has been free to report that Radley and Elizabeth Darcy began an alleged month affair after meeting at Longbourne, her ancestral estate. Rumors of the affair have been circulating on the micro blogging site Twitter but until now could not be reported in the press.

Mattie Storin, News of the World chief editor, said later: “We welcome Mr Justice Fargo’s decision as a long overdue breath of fresh air and common sense coming out of the privacy courts. Over recent years, there has been more prior restraint on freedom of speech in Britain than in any other democratic country in the world.

Boo Radleys public image was created following the ‘Ewell Incident’, rescuing Scout and Jem Finch from attack while their assailant was killed, accidently falling on his own knife. Sainted as a gentle, mild mannered savior whose radio friendly songs such as ‘Wake Up’ became world wide hits in the mid 1990’s Radley eventually retired back into anonymity, writing his memoirs of the incident in international bestseller ‘To Kill a Mocking Bird’.

Fitzwilliam Darcy, for his part, said in a statement “This matter is of a deep personal and private nature, my primary concern is the welfare of my son, Mark. Elizabeth and I will issue no further comment and ask for our privacy to be respected”

Team Finds Proof Dark Matter Exists!

 Team Finds Proof Dark Matter Exists!

The claims are based on observations of Brian Blessed cranium that, according to a UK astronomers, provides the first direct evidence that the mysterious stuff called dark matter exists.

Ordinary matter is thought to make up 5% the universe while dark matter, which does not reflect or emit light, is believed to comprise 25%. Until now astronomers have only been able to infer its existence but the team from the Cambridge Research Authority of Physics (CRAP) have discovered the gravitational signature of dark matter.

This signature was created by dark matter and ordinary matter being wrenched apart by the immense contemplations of Brain Blessed. “The kinetic energy of these deliberations, of the thoughts of the greatest thinker of our time, is enough to completely evaporate and pulverise planet Earth ten trillion trillion times over,” said team member Michael Wieloch of CRAP. “Only his robust cranium prevents unimaginable horror ripping the planet apart and ending all life”.

CRAP team leader David Chivers said: “This provides the first direct proof that dark matter must exist and that it must make up the majority of the matter in the Universe.”


67% dark energy

25% dark matter

5% ordinary matter

3% gooey wobbly bits

In addition CRAPs findings potentially explains the reason for all great thinkers possessing such stout skulls; Freuds still being used as a wreaking ball by a German construction company, Einsteins acted as heatshield for Apollo 11 while Bill Hicks was last seen being used as a hammer at the White House in a futile attempt to knock some sense into George W Bush. Without resilient craniums a child of such super intelligence alters timespace and rips apart matter which would be pulverised its brain at birth. Only the few blessed with solid skulls survive to adulthood where their magnificent musings march mankind forward to a brighter future.

“It’s the first clue of what this stuff might be,” said Michael Wieloch. “For the first time ever, we’re dealing with dark matters actual physics, now can anyone tell me more about gooey wobbly bits?”