Coldplay Album Approved by NICE to Treat Insomnia
Insomnia sufferers suffered a surprise windfall this week, not only did Coldplay release a new album of eleven songs of extreme blandness but following clinical trials the bands previous work was approved by NICE and now ‘X&Y’ is to prescribed on the NHS as an alternative to sleeping tablets.
Lead singer, Chris Martin, released a statement, “When you try your best but you don’t succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need, when you feel so tired but you can’t sleep buy Mylo Xyloto and I will fix you”.
N.W.A. still want to ‘Fuck the Police’
Controversial early 90’s rappers N.W.A or ‘Niggaz With Attitude’ released a statement yesterday that they still wished to ‘Fuck the police, especially the cute blond officer Dre saw in the 7-Eleven last night’.
Rhiannon Spends £30 in Dudley Tesco’s
According to The Sun salacious strumpet Rhiannon nipped into a Dudley Tescos and blew £30 in just 5 minutes. She’s said to have bought assorted fruit, vegetables and three frozen pizzas.
Stone Roses ‘Third Coming’
Residents of the Wilmott Street Salvation Army Hostel were shocked when four of their fellow residents announced to the worlds press ‘We are the Stone Roses, we’re reunitin’.
‘I thought they were the four washed up northern junkies’ one resident told the NME, ‘residents claiming they used to be famous are ten’a’penny…I remember hearing Ian last Christmas and thinking there’s no way he’s a singer’.
Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, has died aged 59 having gobbled his way through the Saffron Tandoori’s entire menu.
Consuming 14 curries along with 17 Lamb specialities dishes, all washed down with 12 bottles of lager, the gorged and bloated MP for Brentwood was persuaded by a waiter to end his meal with a wafer thin mint.
Initially triggering sever indigestion this mint acted as a catalyst, instigating a chain reaction which resulted in the rotund MP exploding; fellow diners were showered by a mass of subcutaneous fat. Despite his chest being blasted apart the Communities Secretary only expired following receipt of the bill. It transpired that being unable to claim the £4577 bill through ministerial expenses caused his heart to fail.
“With great sadness I have to come to terms that a friend and colleague is no longer with us” David Cameron told a packed commons chamber earlier today “Eric Pickles died the way he would have wanted, stimulating the UK economy through selfless greed and gluttony ”.
Paying tribute Ed Miliband agreed with the Prime Minister, “Eric was a great parliamentarian with a great appetite but you didn’t want to be in an enclosed space when he’d had a good curry”.
This refers to the “Great stink of 2008” when the Palace of Westminster had to be evacuated following the then Conservative Chairman having a particularly pungent pasanda.
In 2008 Pickles was also asked to pay back £300 following the MP’s expenses scandal, claiming for ’Forty two phaals, equal nan breads along with ninety popadoms and chuckneys’; what he later described as a ‘light snack’.
Eric Pickles leaves behind a wife and two sheep, Bhuna and Balti.
I heard there was a sloth that snored
He slept a lot cause he was bored
And you don’t care for moving do you?
He came down but once a week
To defecate, to take a leak
The lazy sloth composed a hallelujah
He had a brain but you needed proof
He hung from a tree with sky for roof
No muscle did he move may I ask you?
Digesting leaves and breaking wind
From his bottom a song did sing
The tune of gods secret hallelujah
He had three toes despite his name
His attempts at preening were so lame
If he did you`ld never notice would you?
There’s a blaze of green in his hair
In the trees he did nowt but stare
Dreaming of a broken hallelujah
He did his best, it wasn’t much
He hated living in his hutch
No one wanted to visit him do you?
Even though the crowd did throng
No one in the zoo liked his song
Who cared as he played his hallelujah
In an interview on the Andrew Marr Show David Cameron expressed his ‘deepest regrets’ for comments made in the house regarding female MPs.
“I’m sorry for overheating their little brains with my intelligent discourse but if the fairer sex can’t take the cut and thrust of politics they should get back into the kitchen where they belong’ The Prime Minister told the stunned BBC political editor.
‘Like Flashman I like my women to have oomph and my servants to have a thump! I apologise for upsetting Nadine Dorries but am willing to take the little lady in hand and bring this matter to a close; together we can bring an end to her frustration’.
During Prime Minster’s Questions he told Angela Eagle to ‘Calm down dear, it’s only an erection, no need for you to get hot and sweaty, I’m getting it ready for Samantha”. The PM regretted these comment as it suggested that he didn’t objectify the Shadow Treasury Secretary ‘I mean she’s no Louise Mensch but after a few glasses of claret I’d give her one’.
A Bullingdon Club alumni, Mr Cameron has continued his decedent binges while in government with cabinet meetings often degenerating into drunken debauchery. Alongside ‘Commandant’ Osborne the Prime Minister recently debagged ‘Dayboy Gayboy Ladyboy’ Clegg and forced him to suckle Eric Pickles man boobs on the steps of 10 Downing Street.
“Went to a wretched public school and then the other place, if one goes to Westminster then Cambridge one deserves everything one gets” is all the Prime Minister would divulge upon the matter.
When asked if his comments might loose him the next election Mr Cameron slapped Andrew Marr across the face declaring, “You Cad! I was born English thus have won the lottery of life. Why would anyone vote for ‘Red’ Ed when men want to be me and women want to ride me… all the way into government, woof woof!”