I Much Rather Be Fisted by a Cyberman

Sabotage (2014) Dr: David Ayer

Meat headed nonsense flush with senseless bloody testosterone in compensation for a lack of plot, thrill or modicum of enjoyment. A pubescent males dream computer game..bang, bang and you’ve bagged bad guys then bang and you’ve bagged the female lead. Top of the pile of scenes that rankle being where Arnie pops over to offer his apologies to the female detective investigating whoever’s murdering his team. Apologies begins with breaking and entering, catching Olivia Williams swimming naked; whoohoo, boobs. Williams isn’t perturbed by this invasion of property or privacy, she invites Arnie in for a drink and congress; for being a good girl and putting out getting a present, leads in the case, like a dog being trained with treats.

‘Sabotage’ is senseless and lacks any sensibility; any guilty pleasure of an Arnie movie replaced by guilt that you’ve not walked out of the cinema and used the time to do something more constructive; like being fisted by a cyberman…really that would be more fun! Three quarters of the film are superfluous to the narrative and its morals are dubious to the extreme; retribution trumps all other rights and responsibilities for one can steal, tear lives apart, kill and let others be killed just because you seek revenge…this is less pumping iron, more pumping shite.

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‘Scrabble: The Movie’ coming to a Cinema Near You

 Following the success of ‘Battleship’ the next boardgame blockbuster is scheduled to be ‘Scrabble:The Movie’, with the tagline of ‘Sometimes 7 people, at the right time and in the right place, can score big’.

 A deal between DreamWorks and Hasbro has given the studio rights to develop a movie based boardgame with Michael Bay signed as director with an estimated $195m budget. Screen writers Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish will script the Alice Pieszecki  story.

 The project is shrouded with secracy but in todays press conference Michael Bay announced that it`ll feature Transformers star Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and ex Doctor Who, David Tennant, as the enigmatic letter ‘Q’ who links people through the ‘The Chart’, uniting the hubs of this network for one massive bingo.

 Like his previous films the movie will be shot in 3D and will be a a complete clusterfuck of thrill, spills and explosions. ‘I’ll be fruitcaking the frame’ Bay told journalits, ‘with something for the hardcore scrabble fans but Rosie providing plenty of double wow scores to get pulses racing’.

Nicolas Parsons Dies on Stage

Nicolas Parsons killed after a dispute during a live recording of Just a Minute.

 Popular TV and radio broadcaster Nicolas Parsons (88) died following a savage assault by comedian Paul Merton. Grabbing a microphone Mr Merton informed the octogenarian entertainer that ‘You speak like an arse so I`m shoving this where the sun don’t shine’ and despite Janet Staplehurst blowing her whistle when the minute was up the surreal humorous continued by pummelling Mr Parsons head into the chairman’s table.  

 The recording, at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield, was genial and good humoured with Mr Merton embarking on a surreal flight of fantasy involving the Sahara Desert disappearing thanks to a typos and being replaced with a dessert, a custard tart to be exact.

 Entering the final round, and one point ahead of Paul Merton, fellow contestant Gyles Brandreth was asked to speak for a minute on the subject of ‘Things I never have done’.

 “I’ve achieved everything but incest and Morris dancing” claimed the broadcaster and Conservative MP

 ‘What about that time you tinkled bells with your Uncle George?’ Paul Merton interjected and following sustained laughter he asked ‘That’s got to be worth a bonus point?’

 Nicolas Parsons repeatedly refused and soon he and Merton became engaged in a heated argument which quickly turned violent. The audience initially thought this was just good humoured banter until fellow contestant Tony Hawks attempted to break up the fight, a swift haymaker from Paul Merton sending three of his fellow comedians teeth flying across the stage.

 With Nicolas Parsons corpse still on stage Paul Merton screamed ‘I am the silent clown’, mooned the audience then escaped backstage. Police have asked for information on the whereabouts of Mr Merton, advising he is dangerous and should not be approached.

 One minutes noise, in memory of Nicolas Parsons, will be held at 12pm on Sunday where the public are asked talk without repetition, hesitation or deviation.

Music News in Brief:

Coldplay Album Approved by NICE to Treat Insomnia

Insomnia sufferers suffered a surprise windfall this week, not only did Coldplay release a new album of eleven songs of extreme blandness but following clinical trials the bands previous work was approved by NICE and now ‘X&Y’ is to prescribed on the NHS as an alternative to sleeping tablets.

Lead singer, Chris Martin, released a statement, “When you try your best but you don’t succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need, when you feel so tired but you can’t sleep buy Mylo Xyloto and I will fix you”.

N.W.A. still want to ‘Fuck the Police’

Controversial early 90’s rappers N.W.A or ‘Niggaz With Attitude’ released a statement yesterday that they still wished to ‘Fuck the police, especially the cute blond officer Dre saw in the 7-Eleven last night’.

Rhiannon Spends £30 in Dudley Tesco’s

According to The Sun salacious strumpet Rhiannon nipped into a Dudley Tescos and blew £30 in just 5 minutes.  She’s said to have bought assorted fruit, vegetables and three frozen pizzas.

Stone Roses ‘Third Coming’

Residents of the Wilmott Street Salvation Army Hostel were shocked when four of their fellow residents announced to the worlds press ‘We are the Stone Roses, we’re reunitin’.

‘I thought they were the four washed up northern junkies’ one resident told the NME, ‘residents claiming they used to be famous are ten’a’penny…I remember hearing Ian last Christmas and thinking there’s no way he’s a singer’.