News in Brief

Santa Denied Work Permit in Post Brexit Britain

Following the EU referendum Santa has been denied a work permit and will be banned from delivering presents following the implementation of strict immigration controls. Boarder enforcement agencies have been issued with explicit orders to deny entry to illegal workers through any means, with Army and Royal Air Force both conducting training exercises in intercepting and eliminating a reindeer powered flying sleigh.

It has been suggested that this zero tolerance policy of Santa is following MI5 providing intelligence to Teresa May which suggested she was on the naughty and not nice list thus wouldn’t be getting any presents anyhow.

Donald Trump at Least ‘50% Hamster’ Claims Freddie Star

Notorious hamster muncher Freddie Star claims that he’d sampled Donald Trump and can confirm the president elect is part rodent, probably hamster.

The alleged comedian claims he met Trump at notorious Nottinghamshire dogging site Fanny’s Grove and in the car park was able to appraise the property tycoons structure.

“It tastes of rodent with a tang of liquorice” Starr claims, “he’s at least 50% hamster but all gentleman with the way he treated me”.

Donald Trump has not commented on these claims, but this could be because his cheeks were filled with food.

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‘Use British Workers’ Says the Daily Moron

British Workers Shunned as Darth May Uses Ewoks to Build Death Star

Following Brexit and the reestablishment of the Empire Darth May pledged to reenergise the British Economy through an ambitious programme of capital investment, with the building of a supermassive space station able to destroy a planet being the centrepiece.

Following an investigation the Daily Moron revealed that the Death Star contract has been awarded to Bespin Cloud City, with it then being subcontracted to the Hutt Corp; a shadowy organisation registered in the offplanet taxhaven of Tatooine. Despite assurances that these capital projects would be built by British workers it’s been exposed that Ewoks have been used. These furry muppets in space working unpaid after being ordered to construct the spacestation by C3-P0, who they consider to be a god.

Labour Leader Obi Wan Corbin called this a ‘scandal, never before has there been a greater den of scum and villainy than the Conservative Party’, while UKIP Leader Jabba the Hutt was quoted as saying ‘this is sound business sense, getting the best deal for my bank balance…sorry for the county’ before suggesting that anyone who disagreed with him should feel his ‘rancours bite!’

In a statement to Parliament Darth May told MP’s that the Death Star will enable the British Empire to take its place on the top table, along with Grand Moff Trump and Chancellor Merkel. The recently retired aircraft carrier HMS Illustrious will be replaced by a fleet of Star Detroyers to ‘enable Britania to rule the waves, skys and space but anyone who wants Naboo and its bloody Gungans can jolly well have them!’

 

Win For Germany!

Following a review of historical urine samples Germany has been awarded victory in WWII, with the Allied team lead by Russia, USA and United Kingdom being disqualified for doping violations.

It is believed that the current Russian doping scandal stretches beyond sport, with soldiers and bomb dogs being ‘as juicy as hell’ throughout the second world war.

Germany will be formally awarded victory in WWII on Christmas day, with the Allied team to begin making war reparations on 1st January, with interest on the $300bn backdated to 1945.

Along with Germany the other Axis powers, Italy and Japan, will be awarded permanent seats upon the UN Security Council replacing Russia, China and United Kingdom. France will become the 5th Republic and handed over to Marie Le Penn, the heir to the Vici Regime while the United States will remain under the Trump who it is believed would be viewed as a ‘tad mental’ even by the Third Reich. There will be continuity within the UK, but with Princess Beatrice and Eugenie being declared co regents until Boris Johnson grows up. When asked about her meddling with British dynastic politics Angela Merkel shrugged and replied ‘why not’.

From 25th December all history books will be judged void and will be reprinted with the German interpretation of events. The Deutschmark will replace the Euro, Rouble and Pound, becoming the only legal currency within Europe. Brexit will become Brenter, with the British Parliament and Supreme Court moved to Belgium to enable the country to be truly governed by Brussels.

The Queen is thought to be pleased that the nation of her families heritage won the Second World War and will return to be known as Elizabeth Sax Kohlberg Goethe.