News in Brief

U-G-L-Y, you’ve got no Alibi…You’re Ugly…

Chesterfield voted ugliest town in the UK, having met the towns people judges also say the residents personalities don’t make up for it either. It has been proposed that, as both North Korea and Donald Trump are itching to nuke something, the town become a global target for nuclear weapons to allow countries to let of steam with impunity.

Vatican Changes National Anthem

Following his accidental elevation to the position of Pope Michael Wieloch has changed to the Vatican’s National Anthem to simply repeating the phrase “You’re Shit, ahhhhh” 37 times. The logic behind this change being, following massive investment in sports including the poaching of foreign elite sports men and women, it will be hilarious at the Olympics. Vatican athletes receiving their gold medals will proudly be able to inform rivals of their inferiority while singing the national anthem.

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Trump Denies Russian Cufflinks.

US President clarifies Russian position, stating previous he’d misspoken and its blatantly obvious he’d got links with Russia but what he meant to say was he’d never been given or owned any Russian cufflinks. His shirts sleeves were held together by jewellery ‘Made in America’ but when pressed it transpired they were made in Latin America, more specifically Mexico.

Telling a packed press conference ‘Its me, I’m Donald Trump (audible sighs from press core who already knew that, except for the Fox News reporter who’d thought he was covering the Superbowl), I do deals…Russia said they can help, I do a deal…they hack Hilary and I go soft on Putin (at this point Melania Trump audibly mutters under her breath that ‘You know lots about going soft at the crucial moment’). You know, its me…FAKE NEWS reported I said I had no Russian links…I have no Russian Cuff-Links!!! The Boy Scouts of America told me I am the greatest, and I am. I won the election by the biggest majority ever! I won in Alabama, Hilary’s home state…I won in California, I won in the Brixton…London voted me Major! Thankyou and God Bless America”.

Later Trump met with his Russian handlers before signing a presidential decree moving the seat of power from Washington to the Winter Palace in St Petersburg. The official reason for this ‘temporary’ move being renovations to the White House but it is hypothesized that this will allow Putin to take a more hands on role in governing the United States of America.

David Cameron Claims Pigs are “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores!”

Following his comments regarding nurses being “selfish” for wanting a pay rise in line with inflation David Cameron has caused further controversy by calling the pigs “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores,” during a Newsnight then declaring “and I like it!” while looking to camera and winking.

It seems that since leaving office the former Prime Minister has returned to his student hobby of “goosing the pork” along with dressing in his Bullingdon Uniform and trashing restaurants. Unfortunately Cameron usually is arrested on route to the eatery, his budging waist line and refusal to wear underwear resulting in the uniform revealing an indecent amount of sausage.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 24.05.17

Guardians of the Galaxy

Following a spate of thefts form the staff fridge Chesterfield University Hospitals will be employing the services of Thug and Brutish Security Services to ensure CEO Professor David Chivers chocolate does not get stolen. These guardians of the Galaxy bar will require staff to show ID before removing any item of food or drink from the fridge along with being fingerprinted and having a DNA sample taken to assist with outstanding investigations into food thefts.

Is there a Doctor in the Building

Following recent staffing changes, and numerous redundancies, Chesterfield University Hospitals is requesting that if there is a medically qualified doctor within the building please can they report to A&E to treat an emergency.

It transpires that during ‘the night of the long knives’ Human Resources culled all highly paid members of staff, including all doctors and consultants, leaving the hospital critically understaffed. For this error irrational punitive measures have been taken and the whole Procurement team have been sacked and replaced by deliveries from Tesco’s Direct thus the hospital has no syringes but has saved 75p on a toilet roll multibuy.

Chesterfield University Hospital Hit by Hack Crisis!

A serious incident has been announced at Chesterfield University Hospitals after land around the hospital has been sold to cretinious property developers.  Previously this was owned by Finnermore Hild, who allowed senior staff within the hospital to ride freely upon the land and board meetings often took place while enjoying a pleasurable hack through the countryside.

Following Finnermore Hilds untimely death after utilizing the services of another, inept, hospital his inheriting son has seen the opportunity to acquire some filthy lucre and sell the land to the highest bidder.

Until an alternative solution to this crisis has been provided allowing the CEO, Dr David Chivers, the capacity to manage the hospital while rampaging through the nearby countryside on horseback a serious incident has been called and all leave has been cancelled.

Dr Chivers telling journalists that if he’s going to suffer “So should all staff”.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 09/05/17

This Hospital is Not an Shortcut

Descendants of elderly patients should not use Chesterfield University Hospitals as a shortcut to their inheritance, the doctors within this place of healing are not to be asked to ‘bump off mummy or daddy’ to enable children to get a foothold on the housing market.

Medical staff receive 400 to 650 requests a week and those making these demands will be fined £5000 if their relative dies within a week of the request unless a £50 donation is made to the hospital charity.

Celebrating Midwifery

To celebrate International Day of the Midwife the Rose Gamgee team promoted birth by holding reproductive workshops. Couples will be first instructed in the best way to ‘make a baby’ then left alone to practice, a live stream of which can be viewed on the hospital website for £5.99 an hour.

Staff Bank Drop in Session

All staff are invited to a drop in session with new Head of Temporary Staff, ex WWE wrestler The Undertaker, tomorrow from 13:00 to 15:00

The Undertaker will listen to complaints and suggestions with an open mind and promises not to bury the careers of those who moan, whinge or show a level of independence from the hospitals corporate ‘group think’.

A&E is expected to be busy during this period as porters will be on hand to transport those who disagree with the Undertaker straight to the departments hard plastic chairs and there enjoy a 8 hour wait, before being patronised by a doctor and sent home with paracetamol despite probable broken limbs.

UK Braces For Extreme Weather This Weekend

In an attempt to solve the NHS crisis the Government has decided to expose the nation to a programme of ‘Extreme Weather’.

Towns and cities that have repeatedly voted Labour and/or Remain in the EU Referendum will have to battle with a rain of bullets and bombs, as the armed services use these locations as weapon testing sites.

“This cull of undesirables will reduce pressures placed upon our public services, it is the objectionables obligation to be shot in the national interest”, Teresa May told Parliament before whipping a pistol from her knickers and shooting Jeremy Corbyn.

Upon seeing their leader shot the majority of  Labour MPs cheered and thanked Mrs May for doing their dirty work and preventing Corbyn from dragging the party further into the political abyss.