News in Brief

U-G-L-Y, you’ve got no Alibi…You’re Ugly…

Chesterfield voted ugliest town in the UK, having met the towns people judges also say the residents personalities don’t make up for it either. It has been proposed that, as both North Korea and Donald Trump are itching to nuke something, the town become a global target for nuclear weapons to allow countries to let of steam with impunity.

Vatican Changes National Anthem

Following his accidental elevation to the position of Pope Michael Wieloch has changed to the Vatican’s National Anthem to simply repeating the phrase “You’re Shit, ahhhhh” 37 times. The logic behind this change being, following massive investment in sports including the poaching of foreign elite sports men and women, it will be hilarious at the Olympics. Vatican athletes receiving their gold medals will proudly be able to inform rivals of their inferiority while singing the national anthem.

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Trump Denies Russian Cufflinks.

US President clarifies Russian position, stating previous he’d misspoken and its blatantly obvious he’d got links with Russia but what he meant to say was he’d never been given or owned any Russian cufflinks. His shirts sleeves were held together by jewellery ‘Made in America’ but when pressed it transpired they were made in Latin America, more specifically Mexico.

Telling a packed press conference ‘Its me, I’m Donald Trump (audible sighs from press core who already knew that, except for the Fox News reporter who’d thought he was covering the Superbowl), I do deals…Russia said they can help, I do a deal…they hack Hilary and I go soft on Putin (at this point Melania Trump audibly mutters under her breath that ‘You know lots about going soft at the crucial moment’). You know, its me…FAKE NEWS reported I said I had no Russian links…I have no Russian Cuff-Links!!! The Boy Scouts of America told me I am the greatest, and I am. I won the election by the biggest majority ever! I won in Alabama, Hilary’s home state…I won in California, I won in the Brixton…London voted me Major! Thankyou and God Bless America”.

Later Trump met with his Russian handlers before signing a presidential decree moving the seat of power from Washington to the Winter Palace in St Petersburg. The official reason for this ‘temporary’ move being renovations to the White House but it is hypothesized that this will allow Putin to take a more hands on role in governing the United States of America.

No One Expects the Brexiteers

Announcer: In 2017, to combat the diabolical European Unions despotic plans for the good ship Britannia as it sails away, the Queen gives Boris Johnson leave to form a crack team to travel without hindrance through Britain, Europe and beyond in a reign of violence, terror and buffoonery. This was how the Brexiteers were formed…

[The door flies open and Boris Johnson, flanked by two Brexiteers;. Michael Biggles Gove has goggles pushed over his forehead while Andrea Leadsom is dressed as Death, with the customary scythe replaced by a potato masher]  

Johnson: NOBODY EXPECTS THE BREXITEERS! Our chefs weapons are surprise and fear…fear and surprise! That’s why we dread meal times, last week we were served suicide bomber toad in a hole, had awful indigestion, no idea how he got that explosive vest onto that poor amphibian…anyhow I digress…lets start again

[Fanfare, The Brexiteers exit and return, once more bursting through the door. ]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise…. Our two weapons are fear and surprise…and wiffy armpits because we refuse to wear deodorant!…. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and wiffy armpits because we refuse to wear deodorant!….and an almost fanatical devotion to the Teresa May (unless she’s been deposed already, if so she’s a NAMBY PAMBY and we love our new Eternal Leader)…. Our four…no…Amongst our weapons…. Amongst our weaponry…are such elements as fear, surprise…. I’ll come in again.

[Fanfare, the Brexiteers exit muttering to each other then return, but with bursting with significantly less enthusiasm.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear…fear and surprise….

Gove: Wasn’t ‘Project Fear’ one of the LOSER Remain campaigns chief weapons.

Johnson: Balderdash!

Leadsom: Oh it was, look the ‘Potato Masher of Truth’ says so.

Leadsom gestures to Johnson with the potato masher

Johnson: Fiddlesticks, numptyquest and codswallop! Shall we try again?

[Fanfare, the bickering Brexiteers exit then return with a dejected saunter.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…surprise and wiffy armpits and almost fanatical devotion to our Eternal Leader (which may or may not be Teresa May)…and a clear Brexit strategy…

Leadsom: I want it hard!

Gove: I want it soft!

Johnson: I just want it now, Phwor!

[Leadsom and Gove start squabbling like school children behind Johnson.]

Johnson: This is getting us nowhere! Okay team, once more with feeling!

[Fanfare, the squabbling Brexiteers exit then return with rejuvenated oomph.]

Johnson: NOBODY expects the Brexiteers! Our chief weapon is surprise…

Gove: But Boris, surly they expect the Brexiteers as we’ve leapt forth in surprise 4 times now.

Johnson: Gove another comment like that and I`ll stab you in the back for real this time! Ok lets start again.

[Fanfare, Brexiteers exit while having a heated argument then return with Gove looking somewhat peaky thanks to the knife sticking out of his back]

Johnson: EVERYBODY EXPECTS THE BREXITEERS! Our chief weapons are wiffy armpits, an almost fanatical devotion to our Eternal Leader (which may or may not be Teresa May) and a clear, strong and stable, Brexit means Brexit strategy! Britain Prevails!

Gove: Argh [collapses dead]

Leadsom: Sigh, like most MPs I’ve a second job…looks like I’ve another soul to harvest…oh, nope, it is Michael Gove, he’s got no soul.

Johnson: [points]He has two soles, one on each shoe!

Leadsom: Sigh [walks off stage, returns with a scythe and ‘harvests’ Boris Johnson]  For that he deserves to die [evil cackle]

Leadsom: Hubble bubble, toil and trouble, when shall we three meet again? But you’re dead so never…oh well, I shall form the 4 Horsemen of the Apocolypse Brexit (sponsored by the Sun) with War, Famine and Nigel Farage! [Evil Cackle]

[The end]