Monthly Archives: August 2023

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Locals Brought Back to the Lake District

More than 200 captive-bred locals have been released at a secret location near Elsmere, a part of an attempt to create a thriving rural economy in Cumbria.

Locals have nearly been wiped out in many parts of the country due the lack of affordable housing and lack of jobs, with dwellings bought as second homes or converted into Air BnB’s.

This reintroduction is the first in the Lake District, with Locals given new homes at a temporary release glamping pen before being allocated residences after acclimatising to the local area.

 This release is the culmination of more than two years of work restoring community to Cumbria, a project that has included a campaign to ‘know thy neighbour’, replacing prevalence of ‘ignore thy neighbour and if they knock on the door turn the tele up/pretend you’re out’. ‘Love thy neighbour’ was briefly trialed but this was abandoned after a number of broken marriages, unwanted pregnancies and scandal when the priest married a parishioner and is now self-identifying as Catherine.

The project is managed by the Royal Society for the Protection of Commoners, according to the charity in the past century the population of locals has dropped from eight million to 132000, disappearing from 94% of the sites they’d previously occupied.

The RSPC was set up to lobby parliament with regards to field sports of Navvy Hunting and Serf Coursing and the shooting of labourers instead of paying them; common practice within the landed gentry. The push to escape these practices, along with the lack of rural employment and housing pulling commoners to the towns and cities has left Cumbria bereft of people to cook, clean and do menial jobs around the farm. This role was briefly filled with foreigners but thanks to voting overwhelming for Brexit the need for locals has been amplified.      

RSPB conservation scientist Dr Ashely Lyons said locals had become a “missing piece” of this landscape.

“Through their toils the local echo system works, they’re an important part of the chain enabling the lives of the privileged. It’s fabulous to see them back here.”

“It was exciting to set them free in the Cumbrian landscape”, Dame Eva Greaves, from the Westbourne Estate said, “its lovely to see locals back where they should be”. It is believed that Dame Eva will be providing accommodation and jobs for acclimatised locals, promising not to shoot, injure or maim any unlike her ancestors where ‘old Bessie’, an ancient blunderbuss, has over 50 kill notches upon its butt.  

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Nadine Dorries not doing MP’s job properly, says Sub Prime Rishi Sunak

Prime minister Rishi Sunak told journalists from the News of the World ‘Nadine Dorries’s constituents are not being properly represented’, the former culture secretary ‘isn’t doing her job properly’.

“I should recognise incompetence, given its something I do well” said the Prime Mister to the group of year 7 students who he’d mistook for journalists representing a now defunct newspaper. He later revealed his governmental email password to be ‘Rishi1234’ in response to a question for something he’d done which was really stupid in 2023.

Nadine Dorris announced in June she was standing down as MP for Mid Bedfordshire with immediate effect and Mr Sunak was surprised to hear she was still an MP, ’Is she, that’s not good is it, you’d think she’d do what she said she’d do…but who am I to speak?’ he told the students before acknowledging that the Conservative Party would be using ChatGPT to write the 2024 manifesto.  

Ms Dorries, whose salary as an MP is £86,584,has not spoken in the Commons since June 2022,  Rishi Sunak admitted that he wished he had a similar record.  He also expressed a wish he’d never appeared on Countdown last week, the former Chancellor of the Exchequer telling Colin Murry he’d no idea how to reach the target score of 500 with the numbers 5, 100, 10, 4 and 1.

A Boris Johnson loyalist Ms Dorries accused Mr Sunak of removing her name from the former PM’s resignation honours list but Rishi Sunak has refuted this stating Boris Johnson desired for Andy Pandy, Andy Grey, Andy Peters and Andy Bell to be elevated to the Lords with Ms Doris was to become a knight of the Kingsguard, Boris Johnson having mistaken ‘A Game of Thrones’ with reality and given numerous allies various fictional honours. Jacob Reece Mogg was more then happy to be the Hand of the Former Prime Minister, personally ensuring Mr Johnson had suitable stress relief during the comings and goings of life post parliament.

Mr Sunak  is also to publish a book titled ‘The Plot: The Political Assassination of Colin Cucumber in the Downing Street Allotment’, a thriller for children ghost written by Baldrick.