Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12/01/17


Bring Your Own Bed to Work Day

In an attempt to resolve the critical bed crisis within Chesterfield University Hospital all members of staff are being asked to bring their spare beds to work.

Anyone with unused bed or reclining deckchair at home is requsted to lease it to Chesterfield University Hospitals, on a 1p per day arrangement, in an attempt to increase available capacity and reduce the number of patients sitting in trolleys awaiting admission; Chesterfield University Hospitals would also like to thank Morrisons for their loan of 100 trolleys which have been hastily refurbished for patient use.

Other measures that have been implemented include:

  • A temporary campus being built in car park 2 utilizing accommodation resources provided by the 27th Lathkill Scout Pack. These transitory fabric structures will house low risk patients, with hard floors utilized to abet those with chronic spinal complaints.
  • Ambulances being asked to dive slower to increase the time they reach the hospital, along with taking the ‘scenic’ route where possible; the hospital is sure those dying of a heart attack would rather their last sight to be of Chatsworth House instead of a sterile hospital ward?
  • Patients admitted to the hospital deemed ‘troublesome’ will be driven to residence of Jeremy Hunt and dumped on the doorstep, meaning the Health Secretary has to deal with the crisis he created along with moving the patient to the nearest hospital without a lot of messy paperwork.
  • Anyone admitted who is or was a morris dancer will be discharged without treatment for crimes against humanity.

Father Christmas Arrested for Drink Driving

Mythological creature, commonly known as Father Christmas, was arrested on Christmas Day for being drunk in charge of animal powered vehicle.

His reindeer powered sleigh was stopped by the Police after swerving wildly on the A1(M) close to Peterborough, and after being breathalysed it was discovered that he’d consumed approximately 900000 glasses of assorted spirits and fortified wines along cannabis after with dropping a ‘J’ at the residence of Jeffrey Lebowski.

Due the severity of his offence, being at the top of the drink driving scale, Father Christmas was remanded, pending trial, in Azkaban. Police are also investigating a spate of breaking and entering cases where Father Christmas’ fingerprints being found at the scene of each offence.

If convicted of drink driving Father Christmas is expected to be sentenced to 5 years in prison followed by a 2 year driving ban. During this period it is expected that present manufacturing and delivery will be contracted out to G4S who have promised to distribute some form of gift to everyone by August, irrelevant if they have been naughty or nice: mostly as otherwise that would exclude its management team from being in receipt of a gift.

WARHAMMER WORLD – The Trump Doctrine


Once installed as President of the United States of America Donald Trump is set to rename Earth ‘Warhammer World’. In addition Trump will declare himself to be the living embodiment of Warmaster Horus tasked with conquering humanity in the names of the ruinous powers Khorne, Tzeentch, Slaanesh and Jervis Johnson.

All Abrams tanks will be designated  ‘Land Raiders’ and NATO allies defined as the ‘Imperial Guard’ and expected to perform their duties utilizing the guidance within that learned tome of military discipline ‘The Imperial Guardsman’s Uplifting Primer’.

“It’s perfect” Trump told journalists from his Warbarge floating on the Birmingham to Liverpool canal, “Our geopolitical enemy is China and, according to that learned digest ‘Slaves to Darkness’, the Emperors palace was in the Himalayas …we’ll be fighting over identical territory”.

“Alas there are no Titans but after talking to Vince McMann the WWE will be loaning us ‘The Big Show’. This giant will dress up as a Reaver while John Cena and Shamus will don Warhound costumes…let say we’ve got this angel covered” Trump continued after learning that ‘Transformers: Dark of the Moon’ was not a documentary.

When asked about his route to Chaos Trump declared that the corruption started after meeting two denizens of Khorne known as ‘Saint and Greavsie’ who, under the cover of the Rumbelows Cup Draw, subverted the real estate tycoon. Other meetings with agents of the other chaos powers fortified this degeneration until he was crowned Lord of Chaos undivided in Nottingham by Jervis Johnson, Rick Priestly, Andy Chambers and Bryan Ansell in 1996 as England were knocked out of Euro Championships.

Since that day Trump has been conducting proxy wars, all designed to result in his eventual triumph at the ballot box and ultimate destiny of being the true Emperor of Humanity. The only false step being when he was almost outed as an agent of Chaos in 2012 but Champion of Tzeentch Vladimir Putin had Alexander Litvinenko assassinated with warpstone.

In the new grim dark Warhammer world there will only be war, and sexual harassment in accordance to the 6 laws of Slaanesh.

NEWS FLASH: Following a cease and desist letter from Games Workshops lawyers the Earth will not be renamed ‘Warhammer World’. Donald Trump has been stripped of his presidency and will be replaced by Jervis Johnson. Senior officers within the US military are thrilled with their new commander in chief, stating that “We’ve read his battle reports in White Dwarf and is only because of bad luck and poor dice roles that this great man has never actually won a game”


Wenger Vows to Give Bournemouth Greater Head Start Next Season

Cultured professor of fair play Arsene Wenger has vowed to give Bournemouth a 7 goal start next season after the ‘Hatters’ squandered a 3-0 lead last night to draw with Wengers Arsenal 3-3.

“Given our financial and player superiority it seemed only fair to allow the newly promoted Bournemouth a fighting chance of victory so I ordered my team to play at 20% until the team was 3-0 down, then we played like lions;  despite the odds stacked against us we climbed the mountain and snatched a draw…to be honest we should have won but the referee was biased against me!”

Jose Morino Uses Death Star to Destroy Rivals

Football is in mourning today after Grand Moff Morino, manager of Manchester United and Supreme Director of the newly constructed Death Star, tested his weapon by demolishing the Etihad Stadium while Man City were playing Liverpool.

Acting on orders of his master, Darth Ferguson, Grand Moff Morino gave the order that ended the lives of millions of people. Telling journalists “Fear will keep them in line” Morino is expecting a frank apology from the FA and rescinding of all this seasons disciplinary action. Referees also will be expected to give Manchester United 2 penalties per game and enough ‘Fergie time’ to permit United to secure victory in any game; even if that involves playing in perpetuity against the likes of Barcelona, Real Madrid and Chesterfield.

Old Trafford was destroyed in the blast, along with the whole of Manchester but this was an acceptable loss given Manchester United fanbase is located in London not the north.