The coveted prize in particle physics, the Higgs boson, has been gimped by researchers at the Large Hardon Collider (LHC).

Finding the Higgs boson is viewed to be the biggest scientific advance in the last 50 years, during yesterdays webcast researchers at the LHC announced that not only had they discovered it lurking around 124 GeV but that it had been collared, masked and shackled to prevent it escaping.

Professor Chivers told the world press that this basic building block of the universe was now under ‘strict control’, following this statement fears have arisen. It has been rumored that the fundamental particle will be commanded to distort our physical reality; one whispered cause of  today’s Euro crash being the Higgs boson provided additional mass  to the currency, dragging it down to a record low against the Dollar.

Professor Chivers said the LHC will not abuse the Higgs boson but confirmed that the sub atomic particle would not be permitted to comment on its treatment.

 On other related news in interviews the neutrinos that smashed the speed of light told that their record breaking sprint from the LHC was a bid for freedom, to escape being dressed as maids and forced to serve Professor Chivers and his Machiavellian researchers.

 “We have found it, the ‘God Particle’ exists”

These are Professor Chivers words as he informed the world that the Cern Particle Physics Laboratory had observed the Higgs Boson, a key component of particle physic’s ‘Standard Model’. 

Red face he continued “Um, yeah, we’ve spent billions building the Large Hadron Collider but it looks like the Higgs Boson has been hanging out in the Vatican all this time, giving mass in the Sistine Chapel”.

“Further experiments have shown it can be found throughout the Catholic Church, hanging outside schools, on the internet and strangely around the disgraced pop star Garry Glitter”.

The Higgs Boson formed as the universe cooled following the Big Bang, generating mass thus preventing particles racing through space at light speed.

“We made all these expensive white elephants and bankrupted Europe in the process when instead we should have been looking in locations where children congregate for the Higgs Boson delights in youth and vitality”.

Experiments by the Large Hadron Collider have produced some interesting finding, most spectacularly that neutrinos can travel faster than the speed of light. Since September 173 scientific papers have provided theoretical solutions to this challenge of Einstein’s theory of special relativity, most agreeing that the solution is quiet simple.

Dr Wieloch, director of ‘Paris Institute of Scientific Studies explained “What we have here is an example of a sub atomic particle giving 110% as promised in the boardroom. You see team Lepton is competing against team Quark in the Physic’s Apprentice. After last weeks failure to find a unified theory the Neutrinos hung on by the skin of their teeth so needed to pull off something big to keep in the process. You can’t give more than 100% and you can’t break the speed of light but somehow those Neutrinos have done both; science doesn’t get more exciting than this”