Teresa May Holds Warhammer Cabinet Meeting

Teresa May will host senior cabinet ministers at Chequers this weekend for the Tories annual Bring Out Your Lead Bash, with this years theme being Brexit Dark Future.

In addition to Brexiteers like Boris Johnson and Liam Fox duelling on the roads against Pro-EU ministers such as Philip Hammond and Amber Rudd an all day game of Warhammer 40000 is planned on Sunday with plucky Britannia fighting for freedom from the decaying Imperium of Man. Leading novelist Gav Thorpe has written a specially commissioned book to describe how Space Marine Legion III: ‘The Remoaners’ were crushed in Britannia’s rebellion and stricken from Imperial Record for their pitiful performance; its Primarch retreating to a self-imposed exile and living in a shepherds hut on Earth.

Games guru Jervis Johnson will be on hand to show new members of cabinet the ropes and how to throw dice the ‘GW way’, seasoned tossers such as Jeremy Hunt will be providing their expert gaming advice while live blogging on ‘Warhammer Community’.

“Companies like Games Workshop put the Great into Great Britain” Boris Johnson told journalists, “I’m also impressed by the secretive Kev Adams ‘Snotling Gove’ range”. He also suggested that the inclusion of Bloodbowl be cornerstone of future Olympic bids, it being simply ‘wrestling and handball combined in one sport’. Asked the games fantastical element foreign secretary Johnson drifted off mumbling ‘hmmmm…fantasy…beach volleyball…baby oil…oh matron!’

 

 

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GREEN LEADS OXFAM INQUIRY

Tory ex minister Damian Green is to lead the parliamentary investigation into the Oxfam sex scandal.

With zeal and burning prejudice the disgraced former First Secretary of State is disgusted at the charities actions, mostly as the perpetrators did not live stream the sex acts to be viewed at his convenience while he ‘logged on’ in his office.

“How dare representatives of Oxfam abuse their power and privilege and not benefit the Conservative Party or its MPs? If someone is exploiting vulnerable women I want to see it, preferably with a box of tissues to hand” Damian Green told fellow MPs while they covered up a catalogue of sexual improprieties within the House of Commons.

Facilities, funding and assistance for this investigation will be provided by the Presidents Club Trust, Damian Green believing the organisations links to charities and exploitation of women being invaluable. In addition he hopes that the Presidents Club will invite him to future events.