Hospital Chaplaincy Sued by Man in Dress

Chesterfield University Hospitals Chaplaincy have been successfully sued by Eddie Izzard following their ‘Cake or Death’ Pastoral Care Policy. To reduce the number of long term admissions the Chaplaincy began offering patients the choice of ‘Cake or Death’, unsurprisingly only one patient refused the rather splendid lemon drizzle cake on offer and chose death. It later transpired that this patient was somewhat hard of hearing and thought the Chaplain had said cake or Beth, his wife name, and thus believed Beth would be visiting later for a conjugal visit; one last ‘roll in the hay’ before his hip replacement.

Attending Chesterfield Crown Court smartly dressed in a suit, with rouge lipstick and fingernails, Eddie Izzard demonstrated that this policy was simply an extension of a comedy sketch from his 1996 Outrageous tour, thus the Chaplaincy had not only plagiarised his work but in addition based supposedly sound medical practice upon unsound twaddle he’d thought up after one two many G&T’s.

Due to overwhelming evidence, including a 2006 Youtube video where the sketch was set to Lego animation, Eddie Izzard won his case and £100000 damages.

“Eddie Izzard is a silly individual who continues to transgress with his transgendered antics, here within the hospital chaplaincy and the Church of England in general you would never find such deviance” said Rev Stephen Griffiths in his long flowing liturgical vestment.

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Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 8th April 2015

Q: Who Pays for NHS Fraud?

A: The tax payer! As all board members of Chesterfield University Hospitals have tax exempt non domicile status it’s not them thus if any employee using the public purse for clandestine private profit it’s all ok with them! A 10% fee will be levied on all disclosed scams or swindles, for this the perpetrator will receive protected status and Chesterfield University Hospitals will turn two blind eyes, refusing to assist law enforcement officials with any enquiries.

Prayer for a Pony

Well a horse actually, Lead Chaplain Steve Proudlove will be leading prayers on Friday in the Chapel in the hope it’ll assist JeepersCreepers as it attempts the Grand National. With odds of 10-1 Chesterfield University Hospitals hopes its £1m punt will come trumps up and wipe out the hospitals 2014/15 deficit in one fell swoop.

Share Your Experiences with the CQC

Staff are encouraged to share their experiences of Chesterfield University Hospitals with the Care Quality Commission during their visit from 21st to 24th April, raising any concerns or queries during these meetings.

Volunteer from senior management and nursing staff will be present at these meetings to take notes, it is NOT TO INTIMIDATE STAFF!!!! This cannot be stressed enough and any negative comments raised with the CQC will not have a detrimental impact upon the following months employee appraisals.

In additional HR have details of everyones home address thus WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! It is hoped that the CQC will not be too bothered by staff expressing their unease at goings on with Chesterfield University Hospitals.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily: 6th April 2015

Rainbow Rehab Report – Supporting Bungle in Need

The Rainbow Rehab Centre, set up to support Bungle, Zippy and George following the popular TV shows cancellation and their subsequent mental health crisis, has released its annual report detailing the progress that its only remaining patient has made in rehabilitating himself back into children’s television.

 Zippy and George, with the help of makeup and prosthetics, have reinvented themselves as popular TV personalities Ant and Dec  but Bungle remains mentally detached from reality; believing himself to be either former Conservative Minister Norman Tebbit or a staple remover call Egbert.

 Thanks to the work by our clinical psychologists, Dr Sooty and Dr R Rat, great strides have been made and we praise their continued endeavours. 

 It’s My Colonoscopy and I’ll Cry if I Want to!

 Wince and cry, artist David Chivers and Chesterfield University Hospitals have captured patients true experiences of enduring a colonoscopy. The installation, ‘A Pain in the Bum’, can be found in the main reception.

 This is one of many cutting edge art installations that Chesterfield University Hospitals have premiered including Damian Hurst and Jeremy Hunts collaboration ‘Health Requiem’, the NHS Budget sliced in half and pickled in formaldehyde.  

 CQC Panic Stations!

 We have nothing to hide but in response to the Care Quality Commissions impending inspection Chesterfield University Hospitals archives are now quarantined  after they were contaminated with Plutonium and will remain dangerously radioactive until 2250.

 We apologies to all that these archives cannot be inspected and that the only available data on years 2000 to 2015 being the memories of key members of staff who have been given exceptional bribes all expense paid research sabbaticals  to the Seychelles thus will not be available for interview.

 White Nose Day Update

 This years white nose day was a resounding success, we now own a swimming pool filled with sharks for ‘staff motivational’ purposes and all of Greece’s national debt. Unless this is paid in full by 9am 15th April Chesterfield University Hospitals will be taking ownership of Create, to where the management will relocate to new open plan beach offices.  

Tory Candidate Quits Following Email Row

MP Jackson Stewart resigns as Conservative candidate for the Borough of Peter to spend more time playing with his honourable member.

Following the Social Media storm caused an email exchange with constituent Sullivan O’Laura, during which stating “Feel Free to never contact me again” when O’Laura disagreed with his views on gay marriage, Jackson Steward had what he describes as an “A1 to Damascus” moment.

“Never before have I been called a wanker so much and after a long hard look who Jackson Stewart really was I realised I could no longer can devote myself to front line politics, instead my days will be devoted to front line fondling. Onanism is my calling and barring repetitive strain injury my left hand will be put to use doing what it was made for”.

Pressure group ComeClean has praised Jackson Stewart for his bravery, stating “It is recognized that there are many wankers within the House of Commons but he’s the first MP to openly acknowledge he is one and its hoped that others will follow this lead”.

When contacted Conservative Central Office stated that Jackson Stewart was “Stupid, but that usually isn’t something that bars someone standing for the party” and were saddened to hear that he was standing down as prospective Member of Parliament to play with the member in his pants.