Monthly Archives: September 2012

by

Jeremy Clarkson Road tests the Challenger 3

Movie over Obama, there’s a new tank in town! Your boys can have all the yanky tanky doodle Dixie you want with your M1 Abrams but this V12 diesel powered monster of the battlefield is faster, and with its L420 120mm main gun packs a bigger punch than your popgun panzer wannabe.

And don’t think that the Abrams legendary survival rate is its saving grace, having 800mm Chobham RH armour with depleted uranium strike plates won’t put you into pole position because remember; who invented Chobham? Well we did and those boffins at BAE have done it again. The Challenger 3 is covered in Adimantium Graphine composite armour, which is not only lighter but makes this main battle tank impervious to all opposition. Missiles and shells just bounce off the revolutionary material like soft rain on the Kate Bekensdales perfect cleavage.

Like I said this baby is light and because its comes in at half a tonne less than all opposition its sleek and nimble on the battle field. In a 1 mile drag race the Challenger 3 was 8.7 seconds quicker than the Abrams and went around the Top Gear test track in 1 minute 21 seconds, that’s faster than a Lotus Elise Sport!

The furnishings inside are pretty rudimentary, there’s no soft leather like the Aston Martin Vanquish or sat nav  but from the gunners station you can shoot the hind legs off a donkey from 5 miles. The tank commander’s SKYnetPro tactical computer provides up to the second strategic information so if a Taliban commander passes wind 25 miles away he’ll know about it and, if the mood takes him, the roof popes open enabling him to give jonny foreigner a blast with a 50 cal couple machine gun.  Not only that but each of the 5 crew have independent iPod docking stations so everyone goes to war with their own personal playlist. Go on Taliban, try banning music when this baby is in town!

Would I buy a Challenger 3? Well at £2.7m maybe not, especially as ½ mile to the gallon its golly expensive no matter how annoying the neighbours are. Should the British Army buy the Challenger 3? Yes and it has done, 300 of them so thanks to David Cameron scrapping the Ark Royal Britannia may no longer rule the waves but on land? We’re standing on the shoulders of giants, head and shoulders above the rest!

Advertisement
by

Conservative Party Recalls 165 Policies

David Cameron has confirmed that 165 Conservative policies, all made since taking power in 2010, are being recalled due to being not fit for purpose.

Continued failures within all departments left the Coalition government little choice but retract policies which include the ‘Single Universal Credit’ and 95% of the last two budgets; tax payers will not pay for remedial work, David Cameron and George Osborne offering to cover the costs with some ‘loose change they found down the back of the sofa’.

‘We are an omnishambles but equally we are rich, it is like the days our days in the Bullingdon Club. We sample life’s finery, trashed everything in sight and then, after a little high jinx but, we’d just pay for the damages’ Cameron announced to the House of Commons following during an emergency debate on the issue.

‘Its the Big Wodge Society, a bunch of chums playing and paying their way through life’ the Prime Minister continued, ‘ alas this damn coalition meant we needed day boy Clegg and his excuse me of friends; oh to debag the namby pampy and roast his hot crumpets on the Downing Street fire’.

David Cameron ended his speech by resigning, giving way to a better man. Ed Miliband initially welcomed this until he discovered that Boris Johnson had stepped down as Major of London and was palace bound to be sworn into government by the Queen. He is expected promote a number of women into the cabinet, hand picked for their political ‘assets’ which are often on display in the mens weekly magazine ‘Nuts’.

by

Gove in History Curriculum U-turn

‘I was wrong’ states Education Secretary, ‘teachers are doing a quite splendid job’.

Michael Gove, Secretary of State for Education, has issued an unreserved apology to all history teachers following the shock discovery that the sources of all his historical knowledge contained erroneous and often incorrect facts.

‘I lambasted teachers for a woefully poor delivery of the history curriculum, until yesterday I thought children left school with little or no knowledge of this nations rich tapestry or world events’ Gove told the Education Select Committee, later revealing that all his historical knowledge were gleamed from the books ‘1066 and all that’ and ‘The Onion Presents: Our Dumb Century’; which he mistook for academic histories.

‘I was wrong; an 8 year old child who knows Henry VIII had 6 wives knows more than I do. Until yesterday I thought WWII started when Hitler neutralised the Polish menace, with Europe relieved that Germany lifted the grim spectre of Polish tyranny from the continent. Only when Germany invaded Britain, Belgium, Holland and France (who surrendered after a valiant 10 minute struggle) did things get unpleasant’.

Hanging his head in shame the MP  placed himself in special measures, with the National Union of Teachers the proposed sponsors of the relaunched ‘’Militant Marxist Department for Education, Skills and Training for the Overthrow of Capitalism’. General Secretary, Christine Blower, told journalists that like all sponsors of free schools and academies the NUT will have no influence upon