UK Unemployment Falls by 57,000, Cameron Claims 2013 Cull a ‘Resounding Success’

Following the coalitions controversial cull where, annually on 4th July, murder becomes legal the unemployment rate dropped radically for the third year running.

‘In the an era of austerity desperate measures were needed, despite the bold promises made in our manifesto we couldn’t magic jobs out of thin air for people to fill but this cull makes people disappear into, well sometimes thin air but mostly into a furnace at the crematorium’.

As a basis for sound social and fiscal policy the cull has been a resounding success, a reduced population as solved the unemployment and housing crisis as well the pension time bomb. Over 70’s were particularly targeted in the first cull, notably by disgruntled progeny who were fed up of their parents handing around like a malodorous smell, fritting away any potential inheritance.

This years high profile casualties included evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins who was found crucified with a sign affixed above his head ‘Richard Dawkins, King of the Atheists, didn’t survive, wasn’t the fittest’.

Prince Phillip was particularly active this year, bagging a brace of commoners while going for his morning walk before pruning the civil list with extreme prejudice. The state funerals of Prince Charles, Andrew and Edward will be held on 1st August.

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