India Launches Long Range Sex Aid

 Yesterday India successfully launched a long range, intercontinental, ballistic dildo. The dildo has a range of more than 3000km (3100miles), it is able to deliver pleasure as far as Tehran and Beijing.

 The OuiTakJa-V Dildo was launched from a site off India’s east coast and took 20 minutes to hit its target somewhere near Indonesia.

 “It was a perfect launch. It met all the test parameters and hit its pre-determined target,” J B Cocker, director of the test range, told the BBC, “Candia Doyle said it reached places her husband never goes’.

 It confirmed India ascension to the elite club of China, Russia, France, the USA and UK who already have long-range dildos, although with a much greater range enabling deeper penetration.  

 “Today’s launch represents another milestone in our quest for a pleasured planet and to explore the frontiers of sensual satisfaction,” Mr Cocker said, “India’s gift to the ancient world was the Karma Sutra and yesterday it gives the planet some long range razzmatazz’.

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‘Scrabble: The Movie’ coming to a Cinema Near You

 Following the success of ‘Battleship’ the next boardgame blockbuster is scheduled to be ‘Scrabble:The Movie’, with the tagline of ‘Sometimes 7 people, at the right time and in the right place, can score big’.

 A deal between DreamWorks and Hasbro has given the studio rights to develop a movie based boardgame with Michael Bay signed as director with an estimated $195m budget. Screen writers Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish will script the Alice Pieszecki  story.

 The project is shrouded with secracy but in todays press conference Michael Bay announced that it`ll feature Transformers star Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and ex Doctor Who, David Tennant, as the enigmatic letter ‘Q’ who links people through the ‘The Chart’, uniting the hubs of this network for one massive bingo.

 Like his previous films the movie will be shot in 3D and will be a a complete clusterfuck of thrill, spills and explosions. ‘I’ll be fruitcaking the frame’ Bay told journalits, ‘with something for the hardcore scrabble fans but Rosie providing plenty of double wow scores to get pulses racing’.

Michael Gove Put into Special Measures

The Education Secretary Michael Gove has been placed into special measures following a damming Ofsted report.

Inspectors ranked Gove as “inadequate” in most area following an inspection in March, citing his inability to understand basic maths when questioned by the education select committee and deteriorating relations with teaching unions and parent groups as examples of how the Education Secretary is a failing minister.

Previous shortcomings, highlighted in Ofsted’s November report, had failed to be addressed such wasting resources by issuing the Kings James Bible to all schools, despite the average school library containing 15 Bibles along with other religious texts.

This left Ofsted with little choice but to describe Michael Gove as “failing to give its pupils an acceptable standard of education and teachers an acceptable chance of educating”.

“Name calling and bulling, by labelling those who oppose his views as ‘Trots’, is not how someone should manage and motivate. In a professional office it would result in disciplinary action” the Ofsted report stated, “given this is not an option we’ve put Michael Gove into special measures and unless significant improvement is shown in the next 6 weeks he will be replaced by Richard Dawkins ‘Darwin Academy’.

Michael Gove is the MP for Surrey Heath and in December 2010 claimed that ‘Like Chairman Mao, we’ve embarked on a Long March to reform our education system’, unaware that the Chinese Cultural revolution resulted in widespread abuse, rape and torture; the education system being closed for 10 years.

Archbishop Panel Member Believes Muslims can ‘Change’ Beliefs

Harrison Ford Prefect, a leading member of the Church of England who believes Muslims can be counselled to supress or change their belief in the one God and Muhammad being his chosen prophet ,  is to be part of the Crown Nominations Panel; responsible for choosing the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

The emeritus professor of psychiatry at Bristol University will be part of the 16 strong panel alarming liberal Anglicans who believe it could damage inter faith dialog and deepen divisions between Islam and Christianity.

The Rev Noel Coward, director of Nostra Aetate which fosters widespread discourse between faiths, has said Harrison’s position on the commission appeared “madness in the extreme”.

Supporters insist Harrisons views reflect a substantial section of Anglican opinion regarding Islam and it would be impossible to elect a leader of an estimated 50 million churchgoers worldwide without representing such views.

Harrison has written recent articles saying that Muslims “fall short of God’s purpose in creation”. He argues that using that therapy and pastoral ministry may be remedies for those drawn to Islam, saying “there is evidence that some people with unwanted doubts in the revelation of Jesus Christ, as taught though the Gospels, can achieve significant change”.

He is one of three lay members of the commission voted in by the Church of England’s General Synod in 2007. The other lay members are Pete Doherty and Abu Hamza, its first meeting is expected in May; dependent upon Mr Doherty’s parole following a 6 month conviction for cocaine possession.