“I Quit” Fulgrim Reveals

Fulgrim, Primarch of the Emperors Children, has announced his retirement to spend more time gardening.

Speaking from deep within the Eye of Terror Fulgrim told a packed press conference that since the Emperors Death he’d become more and more detached from his life of debauched excess and brutalising the Imperium.

“Last week I woke up from sixty day orgy and decided enough was enough, casting aside the ten thousand nubile Dark Eldar slave girls and vowing to abstain from that day on and become a humble gardener” the daemon prince told the assembled journalists.

The former bioengineered superhuman and now arch acolyte of Slaanesh then provided samples of his wholesome produce, feeding the press hand grown cucumbers, bananas, pears and melons while nearby deamonettes made childish innuendos until banished.

In addition Fulgrim will be founding the Abbey Clinic, a place of solemn self-restraint, to assist traitor marines and cultists turn from the path of interminable pleasure and intemperance towards one of piety and humble virtue. Hoping one day to terraform Chemos and make it a verdant green and pleasant land once more

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Archbishop Panel Member Believes Muslims can ‘Change’ Beliefs

Harrison Ford Prefect, a leading member of the Church of England who believes Muslims can be counselled to supress or change their belief in the one God and Muhammad being his chosen prophet ,  is to be part of the Crown Nominations Panel; responsible for choosing the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

The emeritus professor of psychiatry at Bristol University will be part of the 16 strong panel alarming liberal Anglicans who believe it could damage inter faith dialog and deepen divisions between Islam and Christianity.

The Rev Noel Coward, director of Nostra Aetate which fosters widespread discourse between faiths, has said Harrison’s position on the commission appeared “madness in the extreme”.

Supporters insist Harrisons views reflect a substantial section of Anglican opinion regarding Islam and it would be impossible to elect a leader of an estimated 50 million churchgoers worldwide without representing such views.

Harrison has written recent articles saying that Muslims “fall short of God’s purpose in creation”. He argues that using that therapy and pastoral ministry may be remedies for those drawn to Islam, saying “there is evidence that some people with unwanted doubts in the revelation of Jesus Christ, as taught though the Gospels, can achieve significant change”.

He is one of three lay members of the commission voted in by the Church of England’s General Synod in 2007. The other lay members are Pete Doherty and Abu Hamza, its first meeting is expected in May; dependent upon Mr Doherty’s parole following a 6 month conviction for cocaine possession.

Church Leaders Call Gay Marriage Plans ‘Madness’

Cardinal Keith O’Brian joined the growing calls against allowing gay marriage, describing government plans as ‘madness, trying to redefine reality by furthering happy marriages’.

In an article for the Daily Mail he said the Prime Minister was ‘mistaken’ and changes would ‘eliminate the basic idea that marriage was a mother, father and children; all unhappy and hating each other. This transformation, move towards joy and merriment within the family, was a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human truth”.

The leader of the Catholic Church in Scotland accused the coalition of attempting to ‘redefine marriage for the whole society at the behest of a small minority of activists, do gooders and wishy washy hippy types’.

The cardinal has added his support for the Coalition for Sad Marriage, a group of bishops, politicians and lawyers opposed to the changes. The groups advocates include former wartime broadcaster, Lord Haw-Haw, who wrote in the Mail on Sunday ‘A blissful marriage would eliminate the institutions basic idea of duty, dullness and depression; we would create a society that deliberately eliminates despondent gloom from the lives of every husband, wife and children. Other dangers exist, if marriage can be redefined so will the basic law that sex is to be endured not enjoyed,  we should purify our blood of these foreign influences!’

Earlier in the week the Home office defended their plans, Lynne Featherstone telling the Today Programme ‘It may be crazy and wacky but hay, we’re out there; giving it to the public and making them happy. Cardinal O’Brian is nuts, a fascist forcing forlorn faces of sorrowful sadness upon a nation that should not be grey or miserable; it should be fun, hip and groovy. Last night I had an orgasm for which I`m proud and am enjoying my marriage don’t you know; me and my husband certainly don’t need to claim porn on expenses!’

Speaking during Prime Ministers Questions Harriet Harman, Labour’s deputy leader, said her party supported the government’s position ‘We should not morn our beliefs, we should not have wretched lives blighted with melancholy. Tradition dictates a cheerless dogma but its spring…’ then breaking into song… ‘the sun has got his hat on, hip hip horay, the sun has got his hat on and we’re coming out to play!  The last one to skinny dip in the River Thames has to snog Eric Pickles!’

Former defence secretary Liam Fox has refused to comment on his forfeit but his former advisor, Adam Werritty, is believed to be ‘deeply jealous’.

Pope meets and beats Irish bishops

The Pope said he had ‘disturbed and distressed’ all 27 of Irelands Roman Catholic bishops in revenge for the Irish defeat of Italy in this years Rugby Six Nations Championship.

In a press statement the Vatican admitted these punishment beatings were in retribution for decades of humiliation at the hands of Ireland and Jonathan Sexton was an ‘abomination who and will be excommunicated’.

Before Tuesdays meeting began Vatican secretary held a mass attended by the Irish Bishops where, during a firebrand sermon, they learned their fate. At that point the Pope stepped forward and gave the Bishop of Clougher, Joseph Duffy, a ‘dam good thrashing’ with a barbed set of Rosary beads.

Dr Diarmuid Martin attempted to fight back but Pope Benedict XVI swiftly dealt with the Archbishop of Dublin aided by two candlesticks. Full details of the confrontation are patchy but unnamed sourced state that Bishop of Clogher, Joseph Duffy was nailed to a cross and the Pope screamed ‘Lord in your mercy hear our prayers’ over 50 times while pummeling the Bishop of Galways head into the alter table.

It is also reported that the Pope, aided by CIA operatives, ‘water into wine boarded’  Armagh Archbishop Sean Brady, the primate of all Ireland. He was later seen wearing an orange suit being herded onto a plane, destination unknown.  

Four Bishops who refused to attend the punishment meeting reportedly found a choir boys head in their confession booths.

Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on my door

Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on my door

“Jesus saves…”

“I know how does. Am worried he might not be taking up his full tax free ISA allowance, I mean if he maximizes his return on his investments he’ll save even more”.

“?????”

I then offered to show them my signed copy of ‘Deuteronomy’, both decided they needed to be somewhere else.;  shame as I was looking forward to discussing social economic determinates in neo anarchist, antidisestablishmentarianist, meerkat communities as set out in Mark 9:42.

Musings on God…

I started wondering of if God has ever ‘backed up’ the Earth? Basically in his infinite wisdom has the Lord made a copy of this planet we live upon (or maybe reality in its entirety) to facilitate smooth and easy recovery following corruption; like a global catastrophe such as ‘global warming’ or even the fall of man and original sin. Would probably be easier than having a massive flood obliterating the planet to be rebuilt in the vein of Noah and his ark bound menagerie.  

Maybe God has already has bought ‘Microsoft Reality Version 3.17’ which explains why the worlds so messed up? Also would explain the almighty casting Adam and Eve out of Eden; they had an apple