Aries: Please draw dotted lines on your limbs as a cutting aid for the chainsaw wielding psychopath you’ll meet this week.

Taurus: You’ve sold your soul to the devil but now he wants a refund due to previous scientologist exposure.

Gemini: Is that heart burn or is it an alien gestating in your stomach

Cancer: A debauched life of sex drugs and rock’n’roll await you after being skinned alive and turned into cob piece by one of Marilyn Mansons demented roadies.

Leo: A fondness for virgins necks, long swishing clocks and Bela Lugosi films… ever thought the reason you only go out at night might be because you’re a vampire?

Virgo: Drink caffeine for while awake you are safe, asleep the Great Race of Yith will suck out your brains with a straw.

Libra:  Nothing bad will happen to you this week beyond being stabbed through the heart by a passing stranger.

Scorpio: Ever been castrated? Friday might be the right day to contemplate life as a eunuch after that freak accident with a shredder.

Sagittarius: Shaving off that shaggy beard is essential unless you want to be dry humped by a werewolf on heat.

Capricorn: You will have sex with Silvio Berlusconi.

Aquarius:  Please write a last will and testament for on Thursday you are going to DIE!

Pisces: With the moon moving through your anus things cant be pretty, shame as you have just been voted ‘Worlds Most Eligible Host for Demonic Possession’