The Pope said he had ‘disturbed and distressed’ all 27 of Irelands Roman Catholic bishops in revenge for the Irish defeat of Italy in this years Rugby Six Nations Championship.

In a press statement the Vatican admitted these punishment beatings were in retribution for decades of humiliation at the hands of Ireland and Jonathan Sexton was an ‘abomination who and will be excommunicated’.

Before Tuesdays meeting began Vatican secretary held a mass attended by the Irish Bishops where, during a firebrand sermon, they learned their fate. At that point the Pope stepped forward and gave the Bishop of Clougher, Joseph Duffy, a ‘dam good thrashing’ with a barbed set of Rosary beads.

Dr Diarmuid Martin attempted to fight back but Pope Benedict XVI swiftly dealt with the Archbishop of Dublin aided by two candlesticks. Full details of the confrontation are patchy but unnamed sourced state that Bishop of Clogher, Joseph Duffy was nailed to a cross and the Pope screamed ‘Lord in your mercy hear our prayers’ over 50 times while pummeling the Bishop of Galways head into the alter table.

It is also reported that the Pope, aided by CIA operatives, ‘water into wine boarded’  Armagh Archbishop Sean Brady, the primate of all Ireland. He was later seen wearing an orange suit being herded onto a plane, destination unknown.  

Four Bishops who refused to attend the punishment meeting reportedly found a choir boys head in their confession booths.