Monthly Archives: May 2025

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J D Vances Magic 8 Ball of Bullshit – 29.05.25

Today’s Proclamations from the Vice president of the USA

In 1233 JD Vances honoured ancestor, allied to the Mongol Horde of Atilla the Hun, entered capital of the Jin dynasty of China, and looted it after a 13-month siege. Vance would like China to know that history could repeat itself so be afraid, very afraid.

In 1416 the VSS Enterprise and supporting vessels defeated many Ottoman ships at the Battle of Gallipoli. Venetian Captain Giacomo T. Kirk boldly went on to secure naval superiority in the Aegean Sea for the next few decades.

In 1913 the premier of woke ballet Le Sacre du printemps by Igor Stravinsky caused a riot when disgusted good old boys shielded the eyes of women and children from the shameful disgrace on stage before kicking off in the interval. The fighting only stopped with the onset of World War I.

In 1999 Charlotte Perrelli won the Eurovision song contest, Lord Almighty President Donald Trump thinks she’s still a beautiful woman and would like to give her one.

In 2011 Misguided residents of Portland, Oregon, held a rally called Hands Across Hawthorne in response to an attack against a gay couple holding hands while crossing the Hawthorne Bridge. All known participants are to be deported and interned in Cecot, El Salvador’s notorious maximum-security prison, only after having a hand amputated for further prevent reoffending.   

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Shitshow Company Fined for Shitshow

Thames Water has been fined a fuck load of money for being, in the words of water industry regulator Ofwat, a Shitshow Company.

The £122m fine is for breaching rules and unregulated releases of sewage, or as OFWAT described It ‘we’ve not seen such a release of crap since Boris Johnson’s last speech as prime Minister. In 2024 Thames Water were full Gammon, dumping effluent like a Reform Party candidate ranting about a lesbian transexual asylum seeker just saying ‘Thankyou’ instead of fully prostrating themselves in gratitude for being given the 20p found on the way to buying his morning cuppa; from a BRITISH TEASHOP, NOT COFFEE SHOP!’

Thames Water said it took protecting the environment and being a socially responsible company seriously, which is why it uses fair trade coal to power its head office furnaces and the lavishly watered and manicured office golf course was surrounded by security fences, patrolled by armed guards. “No woke fuckers going to throw paint onto this lush green paradise with Omnicorp securing the perimeter!” stated CEO Chris Weston before teeing off with Donald trump Jr.

Ofwat have confirmed the fines would be paid by the company and its investors, Chris Weston stated” its loose change” and paying it personally will only moderately impact his yearly bonus.

It has been almost two years since Thames Waters dire financial situation emerged, with two thirds of bill payers’ money being used to service debts. More specifically board members loan their annual bonus back to the company at an unprecedented 54% interest rate. “Campaigners call us corporate wankers, well yes we are as we all like the odd hand shandy but unlike them we’re filthy rich and raking it in each year” Chris Weston told journalists before making a V sign to camera.

OFWAT has proposed that if its swage discharged targets are not met in 2025, they will be imposing their greatest sanction of writing a stern letter to Chris Westons wife, complaining that her husband is an “Irresponsible meanie and could she kindly discuss the matter with him”.