News in Brief

U-G-L-Y, you’ve got no Alibi…You’re Ugly…

Chesterfield voted ugliest town in the UK, having met the towns people judges also say the residents personalities don’t make up for it either. It has been proposed that, as both North Korea and Donald Trump are itching to nuke something, the town become a global target for nuclear weapons to allow countries to let of steam with impunity.

Vatican Changes National Anthem

Following his accidental elevation to the position of Pope Michael Wieloch has changed to the Vatican’s National Anthem to simply repeating the phrase “You’re Shit, ahhhhh” 37 times. The logic behind this change being, following massive investment in sports including the poaching of foreign elite sports men and women, it will be hilarious at the Olympics. Vatican athletes receiving their gold medals will proudly be able to inform rivals of their inferiority while singing the national anthem.

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Trump Denies Russian Cufflinks.

US President clarifies Russian position, stating previous he’d misspoken and its blatantly obvious he’d got links with Russia but what he meant to say was he’d never been given or owned any Russian cufflinks. His shirts sleeves were held together by jewellery ‘Made in America’ but when pressed it transpired they were made in Latin America, more specifically Mexico.

Telling a packed press conference ‘Its me, I’m Donald Trump (audible sighs from press core who already knew that, except for the Fox News reporter who’d thought he was covering the Superbowl), I do deals…Russia said they can help, I do a deal…they hack Hilary and I go soft on Putin (at this point Melania Trump audibly mutters under her breath that ‘You know lots about going soft at the crucial moment’). You know, its me…FAKE NEWS reported I said I had no Russian links…I have no Russian Cuff-Links!!! The Boy Scouts of America told me I am the greatest, and I am. I won the election by the biggest majority ever! I won in Alabama, Hilary’s home state…I won in California, I won in the Brixton…London voted me Major! Thankyou and God Bless America”.

Later Trump met with his Russian handlers before signing a presidential decree moving the seat of power from Washington to the Winter Palace in St Petersburg. The official reason for this ‘temporary’ move being renovations to the White House but it is hypothesized that this will allow Putin to take a more hands on role in governing the United States of America.

News in Brief

World Book Day  

Peterborough pupil celebrated World Book Day by dressing as that biblical favourite the Angel of Death. Taking his lead from the Moses story Evander Dodd  stood at the school gates and asked parents ‘is this your firstborn’ as they dropped their children off in the morning. He later planned on killing all the first born unless headmistress Caroline South let the pupils in Kestrels class go, or at least have an extended afternoon break time.

Evander also spent the day threatening to turn people into pillars of salt for looking over their shoulders and rained fire and brimstone upon the canteen for its wretched fare, well started a lunchtime food fight.

Putin Criticizes Trumps Speech

Russian President Vladimir Putin criticized Donald Trump’s address to Congress last night, stating that he had forgotten to say ‘Hello to Jason Isaacs’. As chief speech writer for the US President, Putin was saddened that Trump forgot to include a nod of appreciation to the Russian premier favourite actor and hopes in future President Trump will stick to the script his  controllers provide him.

International Crisis – Trump Threatens to Execute Paul Hollywood for Treason!

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Filming of this series of the Great British Bake Off goes international with the contestants attempting challenging bakes in places such as the White House lawn, the Taj Mahal and Dudley.

During the USA episode guest judge Donald Trump repeatedly mocked three female contestant posteriors, describing them as the ‘soggy bottom brigade’ despite requests for him to stop. Eventually an exasperated Paul Hollywood lost patience and floored the president with a single punch. Secret Service agents stepped in to protect Trump but not before the master baker had violently kneaded the presidents groin, screaming ‘You misogynistic pussy grabbing c**t!’

The contestants had just been set the challenge of baking a gingerbread wall able to thwart illegal immigration while retaining a crisp when the altercation occurred. Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo, who’d replaced Mel and Sue as hosts for the Great British Bake Off, were heard to say “How do you attack the President of the USA, you just attack the President of the USA”  and almost joined in the assault with battle baguettes, bread suitable for striking and sandwiches, until the camera crew stopped the pair telling them “He’s not worth it”.

Donal Trump later tweeted that “SEE YOU IN COURT, THE NATION IS UNDERTHREAT FROM FAKE NEWS BBC AND PAUL HOLLYWOOD. I WILL SEEK THE DEATH PENALTY FOR TREASON!” It is also expected that the reactionary president will attempt to reinstate the immigration ban that was suspended by the federal courts, with the United Kingdom added to the list of majority Muslim Middle Eastern countries .

Paul Hollywood now has been shipped to Guantanamo Bay and awaits trial, its unknown if Trump will press for capital punishment. The Nobel Committee has presented  celebrity chef with an extraordinary Nobel Peace Prize citing that ‘No other act of Violence has brought hope and happiness to world, this while assailing the root of instability and conflict within the world’.

News in Brief

Santa Denied Work Permit in Post Brexit Britain

Following the EU referendum Santa has been denied a work permit and will be banned from delivering presents following the implementation of strict immigration controls. Boarder enforcement agencies have been issued with explicit orders to deny entry to illegal workers through any means, with Army and Royal Air Force both conducting training exercises in intercepting and eliminating a reindeer powered flying sleigh.

It has been suggested that this zero tolerance policy of Santa is following MI5 providing intelligence to Teresa May which suggested she was on the naughty and not nice list thus wouldn’t be getting any presents anyhow.

Donald Trump at Least ‘50% Hamster’ Claims Freddie Star

Notorious hamster muncher Freddie Star claims that he’d sampled Donald Trump and can confirm the president elect is part rodent, probably hamster.

The alleged comedian claims he met Trump at notorious Nottinghamshire dogging site Fanny’s Grove and in the car park was able to appraise the property tycoons structure.

“It tastes of rodent with a tang of liquorice” Starr claims, “he’s at least 50% hamster but all gentleman with the way he treated me”.

Donald Trump has not commented on these claims, but this could be because his cheeks were filled with food.

Trump Appoints GI Joe As Defence Secretary

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After a dramatic call to toy manufacturers Hasbro Donald Trump has appointed GI Joe codename ‘Duke’ as Homeland Defence Secretary.

The president elect told journalists that he’d watched two feature length documentaries where this great man has saved the world from COBRA and there was no one more capable from protecting the United States from ISIS, Al Qaeda and Jeremy Beadle; Trump still continuing his personal vendetta against this comedian following an episode of ‘You’ve Been Framed’ where he was tricked into believing Darth Vader was President of the European Union and Princess Leia wanted him to join her on a date so she could make his lightsabre go ‘woooosh’.

‘Duke’ has been relieved of all his duties with the elite GI Joe wing of the US Army and upon his return from Syria, where he’s been fighting ISIS and their secret backer ‘Destro’, will gain full security clearance and begin the mammoth task of securing the US borders while hunting out terrorist and insurgents like Bernie Sanders. ‘Duke’ will be aided in this task by fellow members of GI Joe, with ‘Roadblock’ and ‘Gung-Ho’ already patrolling the Mexican border with extreme prejudice.

It is believed that ‘Snake Eyes’ was offered a role within the Trump administration but has not commented, sources close to this secretive soldier met with the president elect was mute throughout the encounter then made various lewd hand gestures before silently walking away from an enraged Trump.  Comic studios have also been approached to provide senior staff for the Trump administration and Sylvester Stallone dressed as Judge Dredd is to become Attorney General.

 

Donald Trump Appoints 90’s Pop Band B*Witched as ‘World Peace Ambassadors’

After watching ‘Bill and Teds Excellent Adventure’ while waiting for the polls to close on Tuesday Donald Trump has decided that music can bring about world peace, and the music to bring about global harmony is that of the 90’s girl band ‘B*Witched’.

The task was initially offered to the Spice Girls, the Pussycat Dolls and Destiny Child but this prestigious role was refused for ‘personal reasons’ with sources close to Mel C from the Spice Girls state it’s because Trump is a ‘creepy fucker’.

B*Witched jumped at the chance and are looking forward to this new role, it being superior to flipping burgers or appearing as the ‘Fairy Godmother’ in Cinderella at the Wolverhampton Grand Theatre. The foursome have been flown to the USA and will soon begin rehearsing for their roles, Trump believing hits such as ‘C’est la Vie’ and ‘Don’t Blame it on the Weatherman’ will convince ISIS to lay down their weapons and renounce violent jihad.

It is believed that Donald Trump has assigned special roles of Personal Advisors to the twins within the group, Keavy and Edele, who will be tasked with ‘briefing’ him daily.