Music News in Brief:

Coldplay Album Approved by NICE to Treat Insomnia

Insomnia sufferers suffered a surprise windfall this week, not only did Coldplay release a new album of eleven songs of extreme blandness but following clinical trials the bands previous work was approved by NICE and now ‘X&Y’ is to prescribed on the NHS as an alternative to sleeping tablets.

Lead singer, Chris Martin, released a statement, “When you try your best but you don’t succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need, when you feel so tired but you can’t sleep buy Mylo Xyloto and I will fix you”.

N.W.A. still want to ‘Fuck the Police’

Controversial early 90’s rappers N.W.A or ‘Niggaz With Attitude’ released a statement yesterday that they still wished to ‘Fuck the police, especially the cute blond officer Dre saw in the 7-Eleven last night’.

Rhiannon Spends £30 in Dudley Tesco’s

According to The Sun salacious strumpet Rhiannon nipped into a Dudley Tescos and blew £30 in just 5 minutes.  She’s said to have bought assorted fruit, vegetables and three frozen pizzas.

Stone Roses ‘Third Coming’

Residents of the Wilmott Street Salvation Army Hostel were shocked when four of their fellow residents announced to the worlds press ‘We are the Stone Roses, we’re reunitin’.

‘I thought they were the four washed up northern junkies’ one resident told the NME, ‘residents claiming they used to be famous are ten’a’penny…I remember hearing Ian last Christmas and thinking there’s no way he’s a singer’.