“We have found it, the ‘God Particle’ exists”

These are Professor Chivers words as he informed the world that the Cern Particle Physics Laboratory had observed the Higgs Boson, a key component of particle physic’s ‘Standard Model’. 

Red face he continued “Um, yeah, we’ve spent billions building the Large Hadron Collider but it looks like the Higgs Boson has been hanging out in the Vatican all this time, giving mass in the Sistine Chapel”.

“Further experiments have shown it can be found throughout the Catholic Church, hanging outside schools, on the internet and strangely around the disgraced pop star Garry Glitter”.

The Higgs Boson formed as the universe cooled following the Big Bang, generating mass thus preventing particles racing through space at light speed.

“We made all these expensive white elephants and bankrupted Europe in the process when instead we should have been looking in locations where children congregate for the Higgs Boson delights in youth and vitality”.

Experiments by the Large Hadron Collider have produced some interesting finding, most spectacularly that neutrinos can travel faster than the speed of light. Since September 173 scientific papers have provided theoretical solutions to this challenge of Einstein’s theory of special relativity, most agreeing that the solution is quiet simple.

Dr Wieloch, director of ‘Paris Institute of Scientific Studies explained “What we have here is an example of a sub atomic particle giving 110% as promised in the boardroom. You see team Lepton is competing against team Quark in the Physic’s Apprentice. After last weeks failure to find a unified theory the Neutrinos hung on by the skin of their teeth so needed to pull off something big to keep in the process. You can’t give more than 100% and you can’t break the speed of light but somehow those Neutrinos have done both; science doesn’t get more exciting than this”