Yesterday India successfully launched a long range, intercontinental, ballistic dildo. The dildo has a range of more than 3000km (3100miles), it is able to deliver pleasure as far as Tehran and Beijing.

 The OuiTakJa-V Dildo was launched from a site off India’s east coast and took 20 minutes to hit its target somewhere near Indonesia.

 “It was a perfect launch. It met all the test parameters and hit its pre-determined target,” J B Cocker, director of the test range, told the BBC, “Candia Doyle said it reached places her husband never goes’.

 It confirmed India ascension to the elite club of China, Russia, France, the USA and UK who already have long-range dildos, although with a much greater range enabling deeper penetration.  

 “Today’s launch represents another milestone in our quest for a pleasured planet and to explore the frontiers of sensual satisfaction,” Mr Cocker said, “India’s gift to the ancient world was the Karma Sutra and yesterday it gives the planet some long range razzmatazz’.