Chesterfield University Hospital Hit by Hack Crisis!

A serious incident has been announced at Chesterfield University Hospitals after land around the hospital has been sold to cretinious property developers.  Previously this was owned by Finnermore Hild, who allowed senior staff within the hospital to ride freely upon the land and board meetings often took place while enjoying a pleasurable hack through the countryside.

Following Finnermore Hilds untimely death after utilizing the services of another, inept, hospital his inheriting son has seen the opportunity to acquire some filthy lucre and sell the land to the highest bidder.

Until an alternative solution to this crisis has been provided allowing the CEO, Dr David Chivers, the capacity to manage the hospital while rampaging through the nearby countryside on horseback a serious incident has been called and all leave has been cancelled.

Dr Chivers telling journalists that if he’s going to suffer “So should all staff”.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 09/05/17

This Hospital is Not an Shortcut

Descendants of elderly patients should not use Chesterfield University Hospitals as a shortcut to their inheritance, the doctors within this place of healing are not to be asked to ‘bump off mummy or daddy’ to enable children to get a foothold on the housing market.

Medical staff receive 400 to 650 requests a week and those making these demands will be fined £5000 if their relative dies within a week of the request unless a £50 donation is made to the hospital charity.

Celebrating Midwifery

To celebrate International Day of the Midwife the Rose Gamgee team promoted birth by holding reproductive workshops. Couples will be first instructed in the best way to ‘make a baby’ then left alone to practice, a live stream of which can be viewed on the hospital website for £5.99 an hour.

Staff Bank Drop in Session

All staff are invited to a drop in session with new Head of Temporary Staff, ex WWE wrestler The Undertaker, tomorrow from 13:00 to 15:00

The Undertaker will listen to complaints and suggestions with an open mind and promises not to bury the careers of those who moan, whinge or show a level of independence from the hospitals corporate ‘group think’.

A&E is expected to be busy during this period as porters will be on hand to transport those who disagree with the Undertaker straight to the departments hard plastic chairs and there enjoy a 8 hour wait, before being patronised by a doctor and sent home with paracetamol despite probable broken limbs.

UK Braces For Extreme Weather This Weekend

In an attempt to solve the NHS crisis the Government has decided to expose the nation to a programme of ‘Extreme Weather’.

Towns and cities that have repeatedly voted Labour and/or Remain in the EU Referendum will have to battle with a rain of bullets and bombs, as the armed services use these locations as weapon testing sites.

“This cull of undesirables will reduce pressures placed upon our public services, it is the objectionables obligation to be shot in the national interest”, Teresa May told Parliament before whipping a pistol from her knickers and shooting Jeremy Corbyn.

Upon seeing their leader shot the majority of  Labour MPs cheered and thanked Mrs May for doing their dirty work and preventing Corbyn from dragging the party further into the political abyss.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12/01/17

 

Bring Your Own Bed to Work Day

In an attempt to resolve the critical bed crisis within Chesterfield University Hospital all members of staff are being asked to bring their spare beds to work.

Anyone with unused bed or reclining deckchair at home is requsted to lease it to Chesterfield University Hospitals, on a 1p per day arrangement, in an attempt to increase available capacity and reduce the number of patients sitting in trolleys awaiting admission; Chesterfield University Hospitals would also like to thank Morrisons for their loan of 100 trolleys which have been hastily refurbished for patient use.

Other measures that have been implemented include:

  • A temporary campus being built in car park 2 utilizing accommodation resources provided by the 27th Lathkill Scout Pack. These transitory fabric structures will house low risk patients, with hard floors utilized to abet those with chronic spinal complaints.
  • Ambulances being asked to dive slower to increase the time they reach the hospital, along with taking the ‘scenic’ route where possible; the hospital is sure those dying of a heart attack would rather their last sight to be of Chatsworth House instead of a sterile hospital ward?
  • Patients admitted to the hospital deemed ‘troublesome’ will be driven to residence of Jeremy Hunt and dumped on the doorstep, meaning the Health Secretary has to deal with the crisis he created along with moving the patient to the nearest hospital without a lot of messy paperwork.
  • Anyone admitted who is or was a morris dancer will be discharged without treatment for crimes against humanity.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily

Become A Flu Fighter

Don’t you just hate it when inconsiderate bastards bring germs into the hospital? Don’t you hate it when they spread them? Don’t you just hate it when they make you sick?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes become a ‘Flu Fighter’, former professional wrestler ‘The Undertaker’ will be training staff how to take hold of the situation and grapple those carrying infection into the hospital. Choke slamming a coughing child will become standard practice and any contagious adult will be told to read Chivers 3:16 “Get the hell out’a my hospital you virulent vagabond!”.

Dr Chivers would like to remind staff that treatment is free at the point of service but there is nothing within the NHS constitution that states you can’t deliver nursing with a half, or even full, Nelson!

Send in the Clowns

Clowns, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing…well it seems they’re fantastic for giving children a healthy fright.

Silly surgeons have been jumping on the ‘Killer Clown’ craze so when anesthetised little ones wake up from an operation that are greeted by the medical team sporting white masks with reds nose; wielding scalpels while laughing manically. Any children with lasting psychological problems following this waggish wakeup will be offered support in the form of aversion therapy, being forced to watch Stephen Kings IT twice daily.

This is not the first time that surgeons have played practical jokes on people coming round after an operation, in 2003 nine members of the public woke from anaesthetic dressed as characters from the Lord of the Rings and nurses in fantasy attire convinced them to embark upon a quest to destroy the One Ring by dropping it into the crack of doom, or Nigel Farages bottom as its also known.

 

 

 

 

 

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 19/10/16

ChesExit

Following on from the EU referendum and Brexit it has been decided that Chesterfield University Hospitals will detach itself from any relationship with the town of Chesterfield, refusing to treat those residing in this rotten carbuncle at the centre of England.   

“Chesterfield voted solidly to leave the European Union so why should its residents benefit from the services of nurses, doctors and midwifes we’ve poached from EU nations” Dr David Chivers told journalists as he stood at the newly erected boarder checkpoint.

Anyone treated in Chesterfield University Hospitals will have to prove their place of residence does not have a Chesterfield postcode. Anyone utilizing the local dialect such as calling lunch ‘snap’, suggesting people are ‘nesh’ or delusionally suggesting that Chesterfield Football Club are ‘by far the greatest team the world have ever seen’ will experience enhanced checks.

The boarder between Chesterfield and Chesterfield University Hospitals will be patrolled by Officer Wieloch, whose regime of shoot to kill is not official policy but is accepted practice as it reduces the number of casualties attending A&E while providing a steady stream of fresh organs for transplantation.

Sweat the Small Stuff

Is you department filled with niggling irksome issues? Chesterfield University Hospitals will dedicate next week to resolving them in its ‘Sweat the Small Stuff’ initiative.

This initiative will involve taking the smaller, easily bullied, members of staff and utilizing the motivators of fear and actual violence as an enabler; with these diminutive members of the workforce performing minor repairs, tedious filing or cleaning the men’s toilets pro bona.

“I am English therefor I have won the lottery of life” declared Dr David Chivers, “and as we can no longer exploit the colonies we shall exploit the dwarfs!”

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 27/04/16

CQC Said, Chesterfield University Hospitals Did…Give Women A Voice

 In last years CQC report it was stated that Chesterfield University Hospitals not only has a glass ceiling but also a mezzanine floor of misogyny. To correct this we’ve promised to give those lovely little nurses and receptionists a voice, so they don’t have to overheat their busy brains needlessly.

 From tomorrow onwards there will be pink comments box in the staff canteen where female members of staff can express their views, this will be emptied daily and its contents used to line the corporate hamster nest each night.

 Windows 95 Operating System Audit

 Is your PC or laptop still running Windows 95? If so it needs to be replaced!

The iHospital team will be conducting an audit of all obsolete equipment and IT systems, with those running Windows 95 a key priority. Please contact extension 4670 to book an IT Service Engineer appointment, who’ll replace your outdated IT equipment with one running the vastly superior Windows Vista.

 Complaints about People Using Chapel as Place of Worship

 Following a complaint from all 36 members of Derbyshire Dogging, Chesterfield University Hospitals Chesterfield University Hospitals would like to reiterate that its Chapel is a place of worship.

The 36 ‘Double D’s’  claimed that this was a public space that they should be able to go about whatever business they wished, the regular wearing of ‘dresses’ by male clergy going to show that debauched acts are permitted.

Lead Chaplin Jenny Griffiths stated that ‘Just because I can, and do, go to parties as both a tart and a vicar this does not stop the hospital chapel being a solemn place but I welcome Double D’s to any of our services with open arms and a loving embrace.’

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 26/04/16

Jo Guest Lecture Tomorrow:  ‘Enjoyable Discharges’ 

 Operations Manager, and former glamour model, Jo Guest will give the annual Kenneth Williams lecture, this year titled ‘Enjoyable Discharges: How Nurses can Satisfy Patients Needs’.

 The event will take place in the “name to be decided, please can someone from Chesterfield do something scientifically significant” lecture theatre on 29th April. Anyone wishing to propose to their partner during the lecture will be given a £10 voucher to spend in Anne Summers, sponsors of the Discharge Lounge, to provide relief from the lack of fulfilment within marriage.

 Correction

In yesterdays Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily we erroneously stated that “renowned scientists Professor Brian Cocks will be visiting the site to present his lecture ‘Large Hardon Colander and its Impact upon Medical Tautology’”.

 This should have been Professor Brian Cox presenting the lecture ‘Large Hadron Collider and its Impact upon Medical Technology’. Changes have been made to the editorial team, hopefully things can only get better.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 18/01/16

Recent MRSA Cases Prompts Vigilance.

 Two recent outbreaks of MSRA (Motivation, Resilience, Strength and Ambition) have been reported and Chesterfield University Hospitals prompt all staff to be extra vigilant to reduce the risk of further cases.

 Medical Director Dr David Chivers would remind all employees that the hospital needs servile drones who acquiesce to managements often peculiar and contradictory whimsy’s; critical thinking and the questioning of orders are not required talents.

 Any member of staff showing these qualities will be remove from their current post and attached to a new one, which will be impaled through their heart.

 100,000 Garden Gnomes project underway at CUH

 Chesterfield University Hospitals is leading a nationwide project to map the DNA of 100000 garden gnomes within the United Kingdom.

 David Chivers,  Regis consultant on Mythological Creatures,  told journalists of the national importance of this project. “Without this work we may not be able to tell the difference between gnomes, dwarves and elves leading to all sorts of mistakes happening; only last month a chimera accidently had a hippogriffs wing stitched onto its back during a botched transplant operation creating a chimeric chimera! We need a clear understanding of the genetic makeup of fantasy creatures or else all sort of weird stuff will occur! Also if we know it’s an elf we can refuse to treat it, nasty pointy eared bastards!”

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 08/07/15

‘LaborSave’…

Division Q are pleased to announce a £3000000 annual saving by asking pregnant women to give birth at home before calling a midwife.

Previously a midwife would attend mothers before and during all births, whether they be at home or within the Rose Gamgee Maternity Hospital. If all women give birth in the comfort of home, with support provided by loved ones, this would generate a significant saving.

Only once the little one has been delivered should a midwife be called to check it’s a baby (in 2014 supposedly pregnant women gave birth to things other than babies including a particular large poo, three cats called Pickles and an artefact procured from Anne Summers) and if the mother or child should be transferred into hospital.

If hospital admission is required the number of local taxi companies will be provided.

Yanis Varoufakis Appointed Chief Finance Officer

 Until yesterday Chesterfield University Hospitals lay tipping on the precipice of financial ruin, with its deficit increasing by £1 million per week.

Now we are proud to announce the appointment of Yanis Varoufakis as Chief Finance Officer, now we have a way to escape the fiscal abyss we were facing. Until Monday Mr Varoufakis was Finance Minister of Greece and his fiscal prudence and debt reduction skills will be invaluable during these difficult times.

Following on from Greece’s referendum Chesterfield University Hospitals will begin asking patients to ratify all major financial decisions, those who are incapacitated or not of sound mind having an advocate acting on their behalf. Yanis Varoufakis has expressed his eagerness in the dual role of Hospitals fiscal authority coupled with sole patient assessor and advocate.

“I will ask them ‘Are you ok?’ in my native tongue. If a patient does not understand they will be deemed to be not compos mentis; I shall act in their best interest” Varoufakis told journalist. “With the patients mandate it is then not the government who’ll be the masters of Chesterfield University Hospitals, it`ll be the people and who am I to quibble with democracy!”

Patients groups have expressed concern with new mental capacity tests, Varoufakis slowly raised his middle finger and told them to “swivel”.