Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 24.05.17

Guardians of the Galaxy

Following a spate of thefts form the staff fridge Chesterfield University Hospitals will be employing the services of Thug and Brutish Security Services to ensure CEO Professor David Chivers chocolate does not get stolen. These guardians of the Galaxy bar will require staff to show ID before removing any item of food or drink from the fridge along with being fingerprinted and having a DNA sample taken to assist with outstanding investigations into food thefts.

Is there a Doctor in the Building

Following recent staffing changes, and numerous redundancies, Chesterfield University Hospitals is requesting that if there is a medically qualified doctor within the building please can they report to A&E to treat an emergency.

It transpires that during ‘the night of the long knives’ Human Resources culled all highly paid members of staff, including all doctors and consultants, leaving the hospital critically understaffed. For this error irrational punitive measures have been taken and the whole Procurement team have been sacked and replaced by deliveries from Tesco’s Direct thus the hospital has no syringes but has saved 75p on a toilet roll multibuy.

Chesterfield University Hospital Hit by Hack Crisis!

A serious incident has been announced at Chesterfield University Hospitals after land around the hospital has been sold to cretinious property developers.  Previously this was owned by Finnermore Hild, who allowed senior staff within the hospital to ride freely upon the land and board meetings often took place while enjoying a pleasurable hack through the countryside.

Following Finnermore Hilds untimely death after utilizing the services of another, inept, hospital his inheriting son has seen the opportunity to acquire some filthy lucre and sell the land to the highest bidder.

Until an alternative solution to this crisis has been provided allowing the CEO, Dr David Chivers, the capacity to manage the hospital while rampaging through the nearby countryside on horseback a serious incident has been called and all leave has been cancelled.

Dr Chivers telling journalists that if he’s going to suffer “So should all staff”.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 09/05/17

This Hospital is Not an Shortcut

Descendants of elderly patients should not use Chesterfield University Hospitals as a shortcut to their inheritance, the doctors within this place of healing are not to be asked to ‘bump off mummy or daddy’ to enable children to get a foothold on the housing market.

Medical staff receive 400 to 650 requests a week and those making these demands will be fined £5000 if their relative dies within a week of the request unless a £50 donation is made to the hospital charity.

Celebrating Midwifery

To celebrate International Day of the Midwife the Rose Gamgee team promoted birth by holding reproductive workshops. Couples will be first instructed in the best way to ‘make a baby’ then left alone to practice, a live stream of which can be viewed on the hospital website for £5.99 an hour.

Staff Bank Drop in Session

All staff are invited to a drop in session with new Head of Temporary Staff, ex WWE wrestler The Undertaker, tomorrow from 13:00 to 15:00

The Undertaker will listen to complaints and suggestions with an open mind and promises not to bury the careers of those who moan, whinge or show a level of independence from the hospitals corporate ‘group think’.

A&E is expected to be busy during this period as porters will be on hand to transport those who disagree with the Undertaker straight to the departments hard plastic chairs and there enjoy a 8 hour wait, before being patronised by a doctor and sent home with paracetamol despite probable broken limbs.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 12/01/17

 

Bring Your Own Bed to Work Day

In an attempt to resolve the critical bed crisis within Chesterfield University Hospital all members of staff are being asked to bring their spare beds to work.

Anyone with unused bed or reclining deckchair at home is requsted to lease it to Chesterfield University Hospitals, on a 1p per day arrangement, in an attempt to increase available capacity and reduce the number of patients sitting in trolleys awaiting admission; Chesterfield University Hospitals would also like to thank Morrisons for their loan of 100 trolleys which have been hastily refurbished for patient use.

Other measures that have been implemented include:

  • A temporary campus being built in car park 2 utilizing accommodation resources provided by the 27th Lathkill Scout Pack. These transitory fabric structures will house low risk patients, with hard floors utilized to abet those with chronic spinal complaints.
  • Ambulances being asked to dive slower to increase the time they reach the hospital, along with taking the ‘scenic’ route where possible; the hospital is sure those dying of a heart attack would rather their last sight to be of Chatsworth House instead of a sterile hospital ward?
  • Patients admitted to the hospital deemed ‘troublesome’ will be driven to residence of Jeremy Hunt and dumped on the doorstep, meaning the Health Secretary has to deal with the crisis he created along with moving the patient to the nearest hospital without a lot of messy paperwork.
  • Anyone admitted who is or was a morris dancer will be discharged without treatment for crimes against humanity.

Chesterfield University Hospital Daily: Sports News!

Transfer News: Wayne Rooney Moves to Chesterfield University Hospitals FC

In a desperate attempt to save their season the Spirite Surgeons have spent big and paid Manchester United £8.9m for the services of Wayne Rooney. The England striker will be turning out on Saturday against in the local derby Derby City Hospital FC.

The hospital funded football team had been languishing at the bottom of NHS Division 3 and a run of winning form would be a welcome moral boost for the cash strapped hospital, thus spending £8.9m on a white elephant is money well spent. When not playing Rooney will be employed as a hospital porter, pushing patients and beds around the hospital being valuable cardiovascular training. Being new to the NHS and having no prior experience of being  porter the former Manchester United forward will be paid at the start of payband 3, hopefully he does not find this step down in salary too demeaning while stepping up to do actual public service.

The Boat Race!

Following a tense sudden death row off Chesterfield University have been promoted to the Rowing Premier League at the expense of Oxford, whose demotion will result in the self-declared ‘Toffs of the Water’ competing with oiks from Reading, Loughborough and Wolverhampton.

 Chesterfield University Hospitals is proud to support their affiliated university and the drugs supplied to the rowing team were for therapeutic purpose only and in no way boosted performance. The breaking of three world records is purely coincidental, so is the use of Lance Armstrong as a ‘performance coach’.

 Not since 1965 has another university taken part in the annual boat race on the Thames, that year Oxford and Cambridge were joined by the University of Lancaster whose team flouted all conventions by using a steam powered motor launch and conducting boarding actions upon the oppositions boats. This it transpired was not against the rules and despite it being bad form it was perfectly legitimate to kidnap the Cambridge crew and sell 8 Eton educated sons of aristocrats into indentured labour, becoming the servants of northern pit workers and forced to live off a diet of bread and dripping for a period of 10 years.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily

Become A Flu Fighter

Don’t you just hate it when inconsiderate bastards bring germs into the hospital? Don’t you hate it when they spread them? Don’t you just hate it when they make you sick?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes become a ‘Flu Fighter’, former professional wrestler ‘The Undertaker’ will be training staff how to take hold of the situation and grapple those carrying infection into the hospital. Choke slamming a coughing child will become standard practice and any contagious adult will be told to read Chivers 3:16 “Get the hell out’a my hospital you virulent vagabond!”.

Dr Chivers would like to remind staff that treatment is free at the point of service but there is nothing within the NHS constitution that states you can’t deliver nursing with a half, or even full, Nelson!

Send in the Clowns

Clowns, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing…well it seems they’re fantastic for giving children a healthy fright.

Silly surgeons have been jumping on the ‘Killer Clown’ craze so when anesthetised little ones wake up from an operation that are greeted by the medical team sporting white masks with reds nose; wielding scalpels while laughing manically. Any children with lasting psychological problems following this waggish wakeup will be offered support in the form of aversion therapy, being forced to watch Stephen Kings IT twice daily.

This is not the first time that surgeons have played practical jokes on people coming round after an operation, in 2003 nine members of the public woke from anaesthetic dressed as characters from the Lord of the Rings and nurses in fantasy attire convinced them to embark upon a quest to destroy the One Ring by dropping it into the crack of doom, or Nigel Farages bottom as its also known.

 

 

 

 

 

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 19/10/16

ChesExit

Following on from the EU referendum and Brexit it has been decided that Chesterfield University Hospitals will detach itself from any relationship with the town of Chesterfield, refusing to treat those residing in this rotten carbuncle at the centre of England.   

“Chesterfield voted solidly to leave the European Union so why should its residents benefit from the services of nurses, doctors and midwifes we’ve poached from EU nations” Dr David Chivers told journalists as he stood at the newly erected boarder checkpoint.

Anyone treated in Chesterfield University Hospitals will have to prove their place of residence does not have a Chesterfield postcode. Anyone utilizing the local dialect such as calling lunch ‘snap’, suggesting people are ‘nesh’ or delusionally suggesting that Chesterfield Football Club are ‘by far the greatest team the world have ever seen’ will experience enhanced checks.

The boarder between Chesterfield and Chesterfield University Hospitals will be patrolled by Officer Wieloch, whose regime of shoot to kill is not official policy but is accepted practice as it reduces the number of casualties attending A&E while providing a steady stream of fresh organs for transplantation.

Sweat the Small Stuff

Is you department filled with niggling irksome issues? Chesterfield University Hospitals will dedicate next week to resolving them in its ‘Sweat the Small Stuff’ initiative.

This initiative will involve taking the smaller, easily bullied, members of staff and utilizing the motivators of fear and actual violence as an enabler; with these diminutive members of the workforce performing minor repairs, tedious filing or cleaning the men’s toilets pro bona.

“I am English therefor I have won the lottery of life” declared Dr David Chivers, “and as we can no longer exploit the colonies we shall exploit the dwarfs!”

Chesterfield University Hospital News 13.10.16

Homebirth Team Dismembered

Following a typographical error the Rosie Gamgee Maternity Hospitals Homebirth team were ripped, limb from limb by a pack of feral junior doctors. The hospitals intention was to disband this team due to short sighted cost cutting measures but due to a spelling mistake and over reliance upon auto correct the Head of Midwifery accidently ordered the team dismemberment.

Her senior team of brutalised, bullied and servile drones carried out the Head of Midwiferies orders to the letter, refusing to question this drastic course of action following the ‘incident’ when a dissenting student midwife disappeared.

Due to staff shortages the scheduled minute silence to remember the Homebirth team will be shortened to a seconds silence at 11.35, if anyone can be bothered.

CEO Delivers Autumn Lecture to Staff

 In a rambling and often incoherent speech Dr David Chivers delivered his Autumn Lecture to selected staff, covering topics such as his love of Donald Trump, private health care and the colour purple

 Most controversially was his call for a global jihad against NASA for its sustained and unremitting assault upon heaven. “Repeated attacks, firing so called ‘space rockets’ into gods paradise in the clouds shall not stand” Dr Chivers told the audience. He further elaborated that the moon landings were scouting missions for a full blown invasion, that was imminent utilizing the international space station as a staging post.

 “Only through jihad can we stop NASA assaulting heaven in their unrelenting conquest, they’ve subjugated Earth through the proliferation of non-stick pans and now their seek to seize Gods eternal Kingdom!”

 When asked to comment NASA stated that it was dedicated to the peaceful exploration of space and expanding human knowledge, to this Dr Chivers stated “Humbug” and started live tweeting the rooting out of a particularly bothersome bogie while searching for Tony Blair on Grinder.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 27/04/16

CQC Said, Chesterfield University Hospitals Did…Give Women A Voice

 In last years CQC report it was stated that Chesterfield University Hospitals not only has a glass ceiling but also a mezzanine floor of misogyny. To correct this we’ve promised to give those lovely little nurses and receptionists a voice, so they don’t have to overheat their busy brains needlessly.

 From tomorrow onwards there will be pink comments box in the staff canteen where female members of staff can express their views, this will be emptied daily and its contents used to line the corporate hamster nest each night.

 Windows 95 Operating System Audit

 Is your PC or laptop still running Windows 95? If so it needs to be replaced!

The iHospital team will be conducting an audit of all obsolete equipment and IT systems, with those running Windows 95 a key priority. Please contact extension 4670 to book an IT Service Engineer appointment, who’ll replace your outdated IT equipment with one running the vastly superior Windows Vista.

 Complaints about People Using Chapel as Place of Worship

 Following a complaint from all 36 members of Derbyshire Dogging, Chesterfield University Hospitals Chesterfield University Hospitals would like to reiterate that its Chapel is a place of worship.

The 36 ‘Double D’s’  claimed that this was a public space that they should be able to go about whatever business they wished, the regular wearing of ‘dresses’ by male clergy going to show that debauched acts are permitted.

Lead Chaplin Jenny Griffiths stated that ‘Just because I can, and do, go to parties as both a tart and a vicar this does not stop the hospital chapel being a solemn place but I welcome Double D’s to any of our services with open arms and a loving embrace.’

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 26/04/16

Jo Guest Lecture Tomorrow:  ‘Enjoyable Discharges’ 

 Operations Manager, and former glamour model, Jo Guest will give the annual Kenneth Williams lecture, this year titled ‘Enjoyable Discharges: How Nurses can Satisfy Patients Needs’.

 The event will take place in the “name to be decided, please can someone from Chesterfield do something scientifically significant” lecture theatre on 29th April. Anyone wishing to propose to their partner during the lecture will be given a £10 voucher to spend in Anne Summers, sponsors of the Discharge Lounge, to provide relief from the lack of fulfilment within marriage.

 Correction

In yesterdays Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily we erroneously stated that “renowned scientists Professor Brian Cocks will be visiting the site to present his lecture ‘Large Hardon Colander and its Impact upon Medical Tautology’”.

 This should have been Professor Brian Cox presenting the lecture ‘Large Hadron Collider and its Impact upon Medical Technology’. Changes have been made to the editorial team, hopefully things can only get better.