Today I announce that I have decided to join the Labour Party and that I will sit in Parliament as a Labour MP.

When I was elected, the Conservative Party occupied the centre ground of British politics despite being led by a pig fucker and then the crop destroying naughty ministers daughter.

Since then, many things have changed. The elected Prime Minister and all round godlike genius, Boris Johnson, was ousted in a coup led by myself. Under my leadership, the Conservatives have become a byword for incompetence and division. The centre ground has been ditched, replaced by drive towards the right, at times my governments policies would make Hitler, Stalin, Davros and Joe Lycett go ‘oh that’s a bit harsh!’

Meanwhile the Labour Party has changed out of all recognition. Since 2019, it has moved on from Jeremy Corbyn and now, under Keir Starmer, occupies the centre ground of British politics and more importantly has a chance of winning the election. I am a mercenary and am willing to ditch my own government to remain in power. Like Churchill, a dog I deeply admire, I say ‘oh yes’ to keeping the red flag flying high.

I have carefully considered this decision. Probably more than carefully than those made during the Covid pandemic, as I spent most of it partying with DJ Johnson and the Number 10 Massive.  We need to move on from the broken promises of my tired and chaotic Government. Britain needs a Government that will build a future of hope, optimism, opportunity and fairness. A Britain everyone can be part of, that will make the most of the opportunities that lie ahead. That’s why it’s time for change. Time for a Labour Government led by Keir Starmer. The General Election cannot come soon enough.

As Prime Minister it was in my power to call this General Election but unfortunately I am incompetent and should be remembered as a sub par politician whose failed to even reach the grade of Liz Truss, let alone Tony Blair, Margaret Thatcher, Michael Green and Sebastian Fox.

I submit this statement to the house, alas I cant be there in person as I’m locked in the lavatory and awaiting assistance.