Teresa May Holds Warhammer Cabinet Meeting

Teresa May will host senior cabinet ministers at Chequers this weekend for the Tories annual Bring Out Your Lead Bash, with this years theme being Brexit Dark Future.

In addition to Brexiteers like Boris Johnson and Liam Fox duelling on the roads against Pro-EU ministers such as Philip Hammond and Amber Rudd an all day game of Warhammer 40000 is planned on Sunday with plucky Britannia fighting for freedom from the decaying Imperium of Man. Leading novelist Gav Thorpe has written a specially commissioned book to describe how Space Marine Legion III: ‘The Remoaners’ were crushed in Britannia’s rebellion and stricken from Imperial Record for their pitiful performance; its Primarch retreating to a self-imposed exile and living in a shepherds hut on Earth.

Games guru Jervis Johnson will be on hand to show new members of cabinet the ropes and how to throw dice the ‘GW way’, seasoned tossers such as Jeremy Hunt will be providing their expert gaming advice while live blogging on ‘Warhammer Community’.

“Companies like Games Workshop put the Great into Great Britain” Boris Johnson told journalists, “I’m also impressed by the secretive Kev Adams ‘Snotling Gove’ range”. He also suggested that the inclusion of Bloodbowl be cornerstone of future Olympic bids, it being simply ‘wrestling and handball combined in one sport’. Asked the games fantastical element foreign secretary Johnson drifted off mumbling ‘hmmmm…fantasy…beach volleyball…baby oil…oh matron!’

 

 

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GREEN LEADS OXFAM INQUIRY

Tory ex minister Damian Green is to lead the parliamentary investigation into the Oxfam sex scandal.

With zeal and burning prejudice the disgraced former First Secretary of State is disgusted at the charities actions, mostly as the perpetrators did not live stream the sex acts to be viewed at his convenience while he ‘logged on’ in his office.

“How dare representatives of Oxfam abuse their power and privilege and not benefit the Conservative Party or its MPs? If someone is exploiting vulnerable women I want to see it, preferably with a box of tissues to hand” Damian Green told fellow MPs while they covered up a catalogue of sexual improprieties within the House of Commons.

Facilities, funding and assistance for this investigation will be provided by the Presidents Club Trust, Damian Green believing the organisations links to charities and exploitation of women being invaluable. In addition he hopes that the Presidents Club will invite him to future events.

David Cameron Claims Pigs are “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores!”

Following his comments regarding nurses being “selfish” for wanting a pay rise in line with inflation David Cameron has caused further controversy by calling the pigs “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores,” during a Newsnight then declaring “and I like it!” while looking to camera and winking.

It seems that since leaving office the former Prime Minister has returned to his student hobby of “goosing the pork” along with dressing in his Bullingdon Uniform and trashing restaurants. Unfortunately Cameron usually is arrested on route to the eatery, his budging waist line and refusal to wear underwear resulting in the uniform revealing an indecent amount of sausage.

UK Braces For Extreme Weather This Weekend

In an attempt to solve the NHS crisis the Government has decided to expose the nation to a programme of ‘Extreme Weather’.

Towns and cities that have repeatedly voted Labour and/or Remain in the EU Referendum will have to battle with a rain of bullets and bombs, as the armed services use these locations as weapon testing sites.

“This cull of undesirables will reduce pressures placed upon our public services, it is the objectionables obligation to be shot in the national interest”, Teresa May told Parliament before whipping a pistol from her knickers and shooting Jeremy Corbyn.

Upon seeing their leader shot the majority of  Labour MPs cheered and thanked Mrs May for doing their dirty work and preventing Corbyn from dragging the party further into the political abyss.

David Cameron Resigns

 

Ex PM Wishes to Spend More time on his beloved pig farm

In an attempt to not be a distraction for new Prime Minister Teresa May, David Cameron grabbed the headlines by resigning earlier today.

He said “Mrs May had got off to a cracking start despite being a of the female persuasion”, while praising her “great strides towards a divided society where the oiks wont get the education they deserve”.

Mr Cameron finished his resignation speech by expressing that after leaving frontline politics he still planned on being surrounded by swines, resuming his love of pigs.

It is expected that the former PM’s pig farm will sell a range of cured meats and sausages, “my bangers will be devoured the length and breath of this fair nation’ he concluded, ‘and it wont be the first time the public will have swallowed Cameron’s Porkies!”

Tory Candidate Quits Following Email Row

MP Jackson Stewart resigns as Conservative candidate for the Borough of Peter to spend more time playing with his honourable member.

Following the Social Media storm caused an email exchange with constituent Sullivan O’Laura, during which stating “Feel Free to never contact me again” when O’Laura disagreed with his views on gay marriage, Jackson Steward had what he describes as an “A1 to Damascus” moment.

“Never before have I been called a wanker so much and after a long hard look who Jackson Stewart really was I realised I could no longer can devote myself to front line politics, instead my days will be devoted to front line fondling. Onanism is my calling and barring repetitive strain injury my left hand will be put to use doing what it was made for”.

Pressure group ComeClean has praised Jackson Stewart for his bravery, stating “It is recognized that there are many wankers within the House of Commons but he’s the first MP to openly acknowledge he is one and its hoped that others will follow this lead”.

When contacted Conservative Central Office stated that Jackson Stewart was “Stupid, but that usually isn’t something that bars someone standing for the party” and were saddened to hear that he was standing down as prospective Member of Parliament to play with the member in his pants.

Breaking News: Minifigs ‘Take Control’ in Wales

David Cameron stood outside 10 Downing Street and regretfully told journalists ‘Wales is under Minifig control’.

Following a meeting with military chiefs and the Cobra emergency committee he made this announcement. It had already become clear that Lego people had effectively taken control of the principality with minifigs parading through Cardiff waving Danish flags and taking over the Doctor Who studios, renaming them the‘Timemy Wimey Parliament of Plastic People’.

To the north local law enforcement officials attempt to prevent Lego knights from occupying Conway Castle, losing this struggle and their dignity in the process. Commandeering supplies from the cities toy stores the minifigs reinforced their position with building block bastions

Dwarf minifigs from ‘The Hobbit’ range tweeted that they’d taken residency in Snowdonia, remaining Snowdon ‘Moria’, “If you want it back @QueenElizabethII come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough”. Later images of downed military drones were posted to the site, “Battle drone/Balrogs…all the same, we’ll have yer!! #Easy”the dwarfs declared.

Attempts by Mega Blocks to support the English in their attempts to quash the Minifig rebellion have been punitively put down, with all taint of Legos arch rival being purged with fire; pyres of Mega Block bricks temporary being used instead of coal within the principalities power stations.

The only human treated with anything but distain being Brian Blessed, the legendary actor seen as a living deity, with huge Lego brick statues constructed of him constructed in city centres across Wales and S4C showing nothing but repeats of ‘Flash Gordon’ and ‘Blake 7’.

The UN has attempted to broker peace talks between Minifigs and David Cameron but the Lego men’s response was to build spare rooms onto all houses and declare “Bedroom tax that yer toffee nosed illegitimate son of a greasy worm!”

Labour have yet to respond to the crisis, it is suspected they’re busy sniggering.