David Cameron Resigns

 

Ex PM Wishes to Spend More time on his beloved pig farm

In an attempt to not be a distraction for new Prime Minister Teresa May, David Cameron grabbed the headlines by resigning earlier today.

He said “Mrs May had got off to a cracking start despite being a of the female persuasion”, while praising her “great strides towards a divided society where the oiks wont get the education they deserve”.

Mr Cameron finished his resignation speech by expressing that after leaving frontline politics he still planned on being surrounded by swines, resuming his love of pigs.

It is expected that the former PM’s pig farm will sell a range of cured meats and sausages, “my bangers will be devoured the length and breath of this fair nation’ he concluded, ‘and it wont be the first time the public will have swallowed Cameron’s Porkies!”

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 27/04/16

CQC Said, Chesterfield University Hospitals Did…Give Women A Voice

 In last years CQC report it was stated that Chesterfield University Hospitals not only has a glass ceiling but also a mezzanine floor of misogyny. To correct this we’ve promised to give those lovely little nurses and receptionists a voice, so they don’t have to overheat their busy brains needlessly.

 From tomorrow onwards there will be pink comments box in the staff canteen where female members of staff can express their views, this will be emptied daily and its contents used to line the corporate hamster nest each night.

 Windows 95 Operating System Audit

 Is your PC or laptop still running Windows 95? If so it needs to be replaced!

The iHospital team will be conducting an audit of all obsolete equipment and IT systems, with those running Windows 95 a key priority. Please contact extension 4670 to book an IT Service Engineer appointment, who’ll replace your outdated IT equipment with one running the vastly superior Windows Vista.

 Complaints about People Using Chapel as Place of Worship

 Following a complaint from all 36 members of Derbyshire Dogging, Chesterfield University Hospitals Chesterfield University Hospitals would like to reiterate that its Chapel is a place of worship.

The 36 ‘Double D’s’  claimed that this was a public space that they should be able to go about whatever business they wished, the regular wearing of ‘dresses’ by male clergy going to show that debauched acts are permitted.

Lead Chaplin Jenny Griffiths stated that ‘Just because I can, and do, go to parties as both a tart and a vicar this does not stop the hospital chapel being a solemn place but I welcome Double D’s to any of our services with open arms and a loving embrace.’

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 08/07/15

‘LaborSave’…

Division Q are pleased to announce a £3000000 annual saving by asking pregnant women to give birth at home before calling a midwife.

Previously a midwife would attend mothers before and during all births, whether they be at home or within the Rose Gamgee Maternity Hospital. If all women give birth in the comfort of home, with support provided by loved ones, this would generate a significant saving.

Only once the little one has been delivered should a midwife be called to check it’s a baby (in 2014 supposedly pregnant women gave birth to things other than babies including a particular large poo, three cats called Pickles and an artefact procured from Anne Summers) and if the mother or child should be transferred into hospital.

If hospital admission is required the number of local taxi companies will be provided.

Yanis Varoufakis Appointed Chief Finance Officer

 Until yesterday Chesterfield University Hospitals lay tipping on the precipice of financial ruin, with its deficit increasing by £1 million per week.

Now we are proud to announce the appointment of Yanis Varoufakis as Chief Finance Officer, now we have a way to escape the fiscal abyss we were facing. Until Monday Mr Varoufakis was Finance Minister of Greece and his fiscal prudence and debt reduction skills will be invaluable during these difficult times.

Following on from Greece’s referendum Chesterfield University Hospitals will begin asking patients to ratify all major financial decisions, those who are incapacitated or not of sound mind having an advocate acting on their behalf. Yanis Varoufakis has expressed his eagerness in the dual role of Hospitals fiscal authority coupled with sole patient assessor and advocate.

“I will ask them ‘Are you ok?’ in my native tongue. If a patient does not understand they will be deemed to be not compos mentis; I shall act in their best interest” Varoufakis told journalist. “With the patients mandate it is then not the government who’ll be the masters of Chesterfield University Hospitals, it`ll be the people and who am I to quibble with democracy!”

Patients groups have expressed concern with new mental capacity tests, Varoufakis slowly raised his middle finger and told them to “swivel”.

Chesterfield Hospitals Daily 03/07/15

Spending Review Update

Following NHS cuts Chesterfield University Hospitals will be dramatically amending standard operating procedures.

 

  • All general anaesthetic will no longer be administered by a trained anaesthetist, instead it`ll be administered by a hammer.
  • Following the success of the ‘great British Sewing Bee’ surgical stitching has been outsourced to the Newbold Patchwork Society, whose members will take time out from their craft making to perform much needed medical needlework.
  • When blood supplies are running low ketchup is a low cost alternative and is in plentiful supply within the hospital shop.
  • Death has been added to the criteria used to officially categorise an operation ‘successful’.

 

iHospital Update – How to Email an Attachment

 

Following technical issues new guidelines have been written on how to email an attachment, which are as follows:

-Print the document out then, find someone going in the general direction of the intended recipient. Staple the document to this person, it is now the recipients job to hunt down the carrier and snatch it as they pass.

This should resolve the situation.

Tory Candidate Quits Following Email Row

MP Jackson Stewart resigns as Conservative candidate for the Borough of Peter to spend more time playing with his honourable member.

Following the Social Media storm caused an email exchange with constituent Sullivan O’Laura, during which stating “Feel Free to never contact me again” when O’Laura disagreed with his views on gay marriage, Jackson Steward had what he describes as an “A1 to Damascus” moment.

“Never before have I been called a wanker so much and after a long hard look who Jackson Stewart really was I realised I could no longer can devote myself to front line politics, instead my days will be devoted to front line fondling. Onanism is my calling and barring repetitive strain injury my left hand will be put to use doing what it was made for”.

Pressure group ComeClean has praised Jackson Stewart for his bravery, stating “It is recognized that there are many wankers within the House of Commons but he’s the first MP to openly acknowledge he is one and its hoped that others will follow this lead”.

When contacted Conservative Central Office stated that Jackson Stewart was “Stupid, but that usually isn’t something that bars someone standing for the party” and were saddened to hear that he was standing down as prospective Member of Parliament to play with the member in his pants.

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 10.02.15

Nurse-Led Discharge Unit Gains New Sponsor

Chesterfield University Hospitals are proud to announce that the nurse-led discharge unit will now be known as the Anne Summers Discharge Unit from today.

The unit aims to ensure patients have a smooth and pleasant discharge, with additional funds and uniforms provided by Anne Summer ensuring the newly christened ‘Rabbit Ward’ has suitable staffing levels allowing nurses to provide close, hands on, attention.

“Our aim is to make sure patients leave this hospital with a smile on their faces and with the help of Anne Summers we can give everyone a happy ending to their stay” Medical Director Dr Chivers told the Press.

iHospital – Share Your Views

Following the outrage caused by this weekends iHospital outrage, where Chesterfield University Hospital was left with only one working computer, the views of staff are sought in a pretence of being an employer that listens to its staff. The tick box exercise will take place between 10th February and 23rd February, then the results will be ignored and all records of the survey expunged from the hospitals records.

The finance department has also been decontaminated following an outbreak of Norovirus, the cause of contagion an infected; even the departments low tech solutions to iHospital related issues have been hit by a bug.

Labour Vows to ‘Rub Out’ Michael Gove

Labour has vowed to wipe the slate clean of Michael Gove and his reforms of the Education system if elected.

 A plan, devised by Trisram Hunt and Jason Statham, for the current “sink or swim inspection system” to be replaced by commissars responsible for raising standards, enforcing government principles and maintaining staff morale.

 Outlining the plan Statham accused the collation of creating an “unmanageable Kafkaesque caricature of an education system, with a landscape mired in incoherence, confusion and lack of accountability. Essentially Gove you’re to be erased with extreme prejudice”.

 Asked to clarify this the Death Race star removed a sawn off shotgun from his coat and vowed to rub out Michael Gove ‘Lock stock and two smoking barrels’.

 The reform plan, Labours most important statement on Education in 10 years, will assimilate New Labour reforms along with those of the Soviet Union under Stalin. Local education commissars being able to summarily fire failing teachers but Statham responded to concerns saying this would occur in sound proof rooms, away from the classroom as ‘We don’t want lessons being disrupted by the trademark bang of a Glock 17 do we? Those who can , do. Those who can’t, teach. And those who can’t even teach have their contracts terminated, and we’ll make sure they never teach again’.

When asked how he’d deal with the militant teaching unions Statham promised that ‘fear will keep them in line, unlike Tarkin we don’t have a Death Star but we have an Army. There is violence inherent within the system and I intend to use it. Accept our reforms, bank roll the Labour Party or get pulped by a tank”.

Labour other reforms would include:

• Give all schools freedom over the curriculum, the school day and discipline policy with the return of corporal punishment mandatory.

•Implementing a three strikes and you’re out policy to raise moral, any teach caught not smiling three times will be classed as failing and removed from post.

• Require all schools to audit and publish accounts online, any deficit to be taken directly from the headteachers salary and/or forcibly seizing the headteachers assets.

•Pre and post school ‘workhouses’ are to be put in place, utilizing childrens energy to generate income for the school while providing much needed childminding facilities.

Despite this aggressive rhetoric most of the press conference was taken up by Trisram Hunt reading sections of speeches made by Michael Gove, with Jason Statham providing commentary including ‘Nought but the three R’s, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish” and “Can’t count, his opinions shouldn’t count; he just waffles like a deranged lunatic’.

Michael Gove has yet to comment but a Labour spokes person has stated this to be a “Good thing, I think the public are with me in begrudging Gove the oxygen he breaths”.