I Much Rather Be Fisted by a Cyberman

Sabotage (2014) Dr: David Ayer

Meat headed nonsense flush with senseless bloody testosterone in compensation for a lack of plot, thrill or modicum of enjoyment. A pubescent males dream computer game..bang, bang and you’ve bagged bad guys then bang and you’ve bagged the female lead. Top of the pile of scenes that rankle being where Arnie pops over to offer his apologies to the female detective investigating whoever’s murdering his team. Apologies begins with breaking and entering, catching Olivia Williams swimming naked; whoohoo, boobs. Williams isn’t perturbed by this invasion of property or privacy, she invites Arnie in for a drink and congress; for being a good girl and putting out getting a present, leads in the case, like a dog being trained with treats.

‘Sabotage’ is senseless and lacks any sensibility; any guilty pleasure of an Arnie movie replaced by guilt that you’ve not walked out of the cinema and used the time to do something more constructive; like being fisted by a cyberman…really that would be more fun! Three quarters of the film are superfluous to the narrative and its morals are dubious to the extreme; retribution trumps all other rights and responsibilities for one can steal, tear lives apart, kill and let others be killed just because you seek revenge…this is less pumping iron, more pumping shite.


‘We make Films not Bombs’ Claims North Korea

 North Korea have denied that the Wi Bombu nuclear complex has resumed enriching uranium, instead claiming recent activity is due to filming of  ‘On His Supreme Leaders Secret Service’, the latest in the Kim Jong-il franchise.

Despite overwhelming evidence that Pyong Yang has recommenced its nuclear programme, including the purchase of high grade uranium ore from unitednuclear.com, North Korea have denied this is further evidence of increasing belligerent behavior.

“Barak Obama and lackeys are idiots, making a crisis out of a sequel” said Premier Yo Tong-rim. “Last year we make ‘The Capitalist Pigdog who Loved Me’ and it win 12 Oscars, this year we make ‘On His Supreme Leaders Secret Service’ and it will win 18 Oscars. We attempt to promote peace, prosperity and stability in the Korean peninsula and Asia with Double O Seven film, watch Kim Jung-il save the world from George W Bushfelds deviously dumb designs for global domination, scuppering his Star Wars stratagem and destroying his devilish ‘Death Star’”.

In an international dispute linked to these films MGM Studios and George Lucas have begun legal proceedings relating to copyright infringement. North Korea has counter sued the estate of Ian Fleming, MGM Studios and George Lucas stating that both the Star Wars and James Bond franchises were facsimile copies of previously unreleased works of Kim Il Sung.

“Take ‘Man with the Golden Gun’, James Bond save world in a shooting duel with man with three nipples. This same as our Eternal Leaders ‘Man with the Hole in One’ where Kim Jung-il save world in a golfing dual with man with two nipples. We sue you, we want your money now!’ Premier Yo Tong-rim told journalist at this Premier of “Star Wars Episode V: The Korean Workers Party Strikes Back’.  

The chairman of the US joint chiefs of staff, Mike Mullen, said it provided further evidence of North Korea’s increasingly departure from reality. “We are unable to believe anything this regime states, both publically or private. Only last week the North Korean Ambassador presented himself to Barak Obama and requested that, as true heir of King George V, he would like his colonies back, please could he have keys to the Statue of Liberty to take it for a test drive like in Ghostbusters 2.”.

Equally annoying have been Korean officials threats when travelling, regularly tweeting that ‘There is a bum on this plane, unless you fly to directly Pyong Yang with $10 million in non sequential dollar bills it will break wind!”

Further talks to discuss the international impasse on how to deal with this rogue state are set to resume next week, “The only hope is engagement with North Korea” said Mike Mullan “if we have to take one for the team and be joined in holy matrimony the United States will do whatever’s required”.