News in Brief

U-G-L-Y, you’ve got no Alibi…You’re Ugly…

Chesterfield voted ugliest town in the UK, having met the towns people judges also say the residents personalities don’t make up for it either. It has been proposed that, as both North Korea and Donald Trump are itching to nuke something, the town become a global target for nuclear weapons to allow countries to let of steam with impunity.

Vatican Changes National Anthem

Following his accidental elevation to the position of Pope Michael Wieloch has changed to the Vatican’s National Anthem to simply repeating the phrase “You’re Shit, ahhhhh” 37 times. The logic behind this change being, following massive investment in sports including the poaching of foreign elite sports men and women, it will be hilarious at the Olympics. Vatican athletes receiving their gold medals will proudly be able to inform rivals of their inferiority while singing the national anthem.

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North Korea in Boardgame Dispute

 Angry North Korea has walked out of nuclear talks after being denied use of the battleship during the traditional post summit game of Monopoly.

In UN Security Council resolution 6748 it clearly states that North and  South Korea will share the use of the battleship on a rota system. Pyongyang are now unwilling to use the alternative stating ‘To be a dog, a poodle for the US, capitalist pigs, is an unbearable insult’.
China has appealed for the North to return to negotiations while Russia is willing to allow the Pyongyang delegation the use of its top hat if this will push forward the six party talks. 

After international agreement that it could use the red pieces during games of Risk North Korea began dismantling its nuclear programme but following the ‘Kerplunk Incident’ this process stalled.

Now a defiant Pyongyang have vowed to permanently walk out of international talks and resume long range missile tests. It claims these are for peaceful purposes and nothing to do with sinking the US Battleship in E4.  

This is not the first time board games have caused bitter international disputes. In 1939 Adolf Hitler stormed out of a peace summit and invaded Poland after Neville Chamberlin falsely accused him of murdering Dr Black in study with the lead piping.

‘We make Films not Bombs’ Claims North Korea

 North Korea have denied that the Wi Bombu nuclear complex has resumed enriching uranium, instead claiming recent activity is due to filming of  ‘On His Supreme Leaders Secret Service’, the latest in the Kim Jong-il franchise.

Despite overwhelming evidence that Pyong Yang has recommenced its nuclear programme, including the purchase of high grade uranium ore from unitednuclear.com, North Korea have denied this is further evidence of increasing belligerent behavior.

“Barak Obama and lackeys are idiots, making a crisis out of a sequel” said Premier Yo Tong-rim. “Last year we make ‘The Capitalist Pigdog who Loved Me’ and it win 12 Oscars, this year we make ‘On His Supreme Leaders Secret Service’ and it will win 18 Oscars. We attempt to promote peace, prosperity and stability in the Korean peninsula and Asia with Double O Seven film, watch Kim Jung-il save the world from George W Bushfelds deviously dumb designs for global domination, scuppering his Star Wars stratagem and destroying his devilish ‘Death Star’”.

In an international dispute linked to these films MGM Studios and George Lucas have begun legal proceedings relating to copyright infringement. North Korea has counter sued the estate of Ian Fleming, MGM Studios and George Lucas stating that both the Star Wars and James Bond franchises were facsimile copies of previously unreleased works of Kim Il Sung.

“Take ‘Man with the Golden Gun’, James Bond save world in a shooting duel with man with three nipples. This same as our Eternal Leaders ‘Man with the Hole in One’ where Kim Jung-il save world in a golfing dual with man with two nipples. We sue you, we want your money now!’ Premier Yo Tong-rim told journalist at this Premier of “Star Wars Episode V: The Korean Workers Party Strikes Back’.  

The chairman of the US joint chiefs of staff, Mike Mullen, said it provided further evidence of North Korea’s increasingly departure from reality. “We are unable to believe anything this regime states, both publically or private. Only last week the North Korean Ambassador presented himself to Barak Obama and requested that, as true heir of King George V, he would like his colonies back, please could he have keys to the Statue of Liberty to take it for a test drive like in Ghostbusters 2.”.

Equally annoying have been Korean officials threats when travelling, regularly tweeting that ‘There is a bum on this plane, unless you fly to directly Pyong Yang with $10 million in non sequential dollar bills it will break wind!”

Further talks to discuss the international impasse on how to deal with this rogue state are set to resume next week, “The only hope is engagement with North Korea” said Mike Mullan “if we have to take one for the team and be joined in holy matrimony the United States will do whatever’s required”.