Some of my more inspired answers to questions on application forms:-
NAME: Michael Wieloch
SEX: Male but I have to carry a certificate to prove this.
DESIRED POSITION: Are we still talking about sex still? If so positioned somewhere between Liv Tyler and Clare Danes…. Or supreme ruler of all time, space and McDonalds.
DESIRED SALARY: £1000phr would do.
EDUCATION: Hold a 3rd class degree from the University of Life.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: Cant remember, is that before or after embezzlement?
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Not being arrested for the creative accounting that resulted in me being able to buy a Porsche and my previous employer going bankrupt
REASON FOR LEAVING: I was banned from drinking gin in the office.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Anytime, anywhere so long as burgers need flipping with cultivated levels of apathy.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-1:32 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: I like eating uranium, its tastes minty fresh.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: As Im on a mission from God you can pray but not sure he’ll be listening.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Laziness.
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: No but after eating beans I can play the star spangled banner if a shove a recorder up my bum.
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: Voted most likely to be admitted into a mental institute in my Sixth Form leaving book.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only if I set fire to my clothes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Writing neo feminist tracts while plotting global domination from a secret island headquarters with my suitably attired maid, Liv Tyler, begging me to stop working and come to bed.
NEAREST RELATIVE: Ive not been close to any of them since they sold me into slavery aged 7.