For Some Reason I Didnt Get the Job

Some of my more inspired answers to questions on application forms:-

 NAME: Michael  Wieloch

 SEX: Male but I have to carry a certificate to prove this.

 DESIRED POSITION: Are we still talking about sex still? If so positioned somewhere between Liv Tyler and Clare Danes…. Or supreme ruler of all time, space and McDonalds.  

 DESIRED SALARY: £1000phr would do.

 EDUCATION: Hold a 3rd class degree from the University of Life.

 LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

 PREVIOUS SALARY: Cant remember, is that before or after embezzlement?

 MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Not being arrested for the creative accounting that resulted in me being able to buy a Porsche and my previous employer going bankrupt

 REASON FOR LEAVING: I was banned from drinking gin in the office.

 HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Anytime, anywhere so long as burgers need flipping with cultivated levels of apathy.

 PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-1:32 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  I like eating uranium, its tastes minty fresh.

 MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: As Im on a mission from God you can pray but not sure he’ll be listening.

 DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Laziness.

 DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: No but after eating beans I can play the star spangled banner if a shove a recorder up my bum.

 HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: Voted most likely to be admitted into a mental institute in my Sixth Form leaving book.

 DO YOU SMOKE?: Only if I set fire to my clothes.

 WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Writing neo feminist tracts while plotting global domination from a secret island headquarters with my suitably attired maid, Liv Tyler, begging me to stop working and come to bed.   

 NEAREST RELATIVE: Ive not been close to any of them since they sold me into slavery aged 7.

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