David Cameron Claims Pigs are “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores!”

Following his comments regarding nurses being “selfish” for wanting a pay rise in line with inflation David Cameron has caused further controversy by calling the pigs “Truffle Hunting, Money Grabbing Whores,” during a Newsnight then declaring “and I like it!” while looking to camera and winking.

It seems that since leaving office the former Prime Minister has returned to his student hobby of “goosing the pork” along with dressing in his Bullingdon Uniform and trashing restaurants. Unfortunately Cameron usually is arrested on route to the eatery, his budging waist line and refusal to wear underwear resulting in the uniform revealing an indecent amount of sausage.

David Cameron Resigns

 

Ex PM Wishes to Spend More time on his beloved pig farm

In an attempt to not be a distraction for new Prime Minister Teresa May, David Cameron grabbed the headlines by resigning earlier today.

He said “Mrs May had got off to a cracking start despite being a of the female persuasion”, while praising her “great strides towards a divided society where the oiks wont get the education they deserve”.

Mr Cameron finished his resignation speech by expressing that after leaving frontline politics he still planned on being surrounded by swines, resuming his love of pigs.

It is expected that the former PM’s pig farm will sell a range of cured meats and sausages, “my bangers will be devoured the length and breath of this fair nation’ he concluded, ‘and it wont be the first time the public will have swallowed Cameron’s Porkies!”

Chesterfield University Hospitals Daily 23rd June

Chesterfield University Hospitals Says YES to Breasts! 

In support of National Breastfeeding Week Chesterfield University is suckling at the teat of taste with breast milk ice cream being served in the canteen. Staff from the Rose Gamgee Maternity Hospital will be on hand to give breastfeeding tips and advice, with Dr David Chivers delighted at his ‘hands on’ training by the chief midwife yesterday morning.

To raise money for Baby Milk Action, an independent charity promoting breast feeding, employees can enter ‘Match the Mammary with the Mother’. Can you work out which breasts match which employees? For a £2 entry fee you get an entry sheet with photos of both and the correct answer drawn out of the hat will win an all expense trip to Hooters, London; where you’ll get waitress service with a smile, short shorts and tight tops!

Clinic 9 ½ Opened for Non Muggle Maladies

After successfully tendering for the Non Muggle and Magician contract, Chesterfield University Hospitals is delighted to announce the opening of Clinic   9 1/2. There all manner of magical maladies will be treated from Wizards Wrist, caused by excessive wand wielding, and Crones Droop where spell casters experience a pronounced softening then sagging of noses and other appendages.

There will also be outreach programmes to prevent unplanned transformations, teaching wizards and witches not to practice magic without using protection and where this fails what to do to get emergency contraTransformation and prevent STDs (Sorcery Transmitted Diseases).

Childcare, Have You Booked it for this Summer?

With summer holidays nearly here have you made suitable arrangements for your children? If not you could put them to work in Chesterfield University Hospitals Summer Camp!

With care packages for boys and girls aged 6 to 12 years old they can be looked after, earn a wage and help Chesterfield University Hospitals provide excellent patient care! Could little Jonnie shovel waste into the furnace and little Lucy collect bedpans from dementia patients? If the answer is yes they’ll earn you £2 an hour while you work this summer, with trained professionals ensuring the hospitals well being is maintained while the children are exploited to their fullest potential.

 

Sign up now, YOUR HOSPITAL NEEDS YOUR CHILDREN!

Breaking News: Minifigs ‘Take Control’ in Wales

David Cameron stood outside 10 Downing Street and regretfully told journalists ‘Wales is under Minifig control’.

Following a meeting with military chiefs and the Cobra emergency committee he made this announcement. It had already become clear that Lego people had effectively taken control of the principality with minifigs parading through Cardiff waving Danish flags and taking over the Doctor Who studios, renaming them the‘Timemy Wimey Parliament of Plastic People’.

To the north local law enforcement officials attempt to prevent Lego knights from occupying Conway Castle, losing this struggle and their dignity in the process. Commandeering supplies from the cities toy stores the minifigs reinforced their position with building block bastions

Dwarf minifigs from ‘The Hobbit’ range tweeted that they’d taken residency in Snowdonia, remaining Snowdon ‘Moria’, “If you want it back @QueenElizabethII come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough”. Later images of downed military drones were posted to the site, “Battle drone/Balrogs…all the same, we’ll have yer!! #Easy”the dwarfs declared.

Attempts by Mega Blocks to support the English in their attempts to quash the Minifig rebellion have been punitively put down, with all taint of Legos arch rival being purged with fire; pyres of Mega Block bricks temporary being used instead of coal within the principalities power stations.

The only human treated with anything but distain being Brian Blessed, the legendary actor seen as a living deity, with huge Lego brick statues constructed of him constructed in city centres across Wales and S4C showing nothing but repeats of ‘Flash Gordon’ and ‘Blake 7’.

The UN has attempted to broker peace talks between Minifigs and David Cameron but the Lego men’s response was to build spare rooms onto all houses and declare “Bedroom tax that yer toffee nosed illegitimate son of a greasy worm!”

Labour have yet to respond to the crisis, it is suspected they’re busy sniggering.

Royal Mint Issues £20 Coin to Commemorate Bashing the Bosh

Mint produces 250,000 coins, in celebration of World War I, where England gave the Germans a dam good thrashing!

A silver coin has been struck by the Royal Mint commemorating the 100th Anniversary of the First World War

The coin carries the image of Britannia driving a tank over German trenches, crushing the soldiers within them was designed by UKIP leader Nigel Ferage, with Lord Kitchener replacing the Queens head upon the reverse. 

A batch of 250,000 of the coins has been created and, like those minted to celebrate the birth of Prince George, is expected to sell out within days. That coin featured Saint George standing on the white cliffs of Dover surveying the domains yet to be conquered across the English Channel.    

Designer Ferage said: “After reading a few history books I ignored everything they contained and drew inspiration from ‘Blackadder goes Forth’. After asking my German wife if she approved I assumed the shrieks she let forth was an endorsement of this works beauty”.   

“The centenary of England saving Europe is an occasion of great significance, it is important to us that the deaths of many great officers should be commemorated; the gentries great sacrifice as they answered the call to fight for king and country” said David Cameron, launching this coin at a Downing Street reception.

It is expected a special Great War 1 pence piece will be launched by Nick Clegg later in the year, with each member of the armed forces given a copy of the coin for in these times of austerity this nation is no longer able to give its service men and women a whole shilling.

To mark the start of World War I a new medal for gallantry or acts of bravery in the face of opposition will also be introduced, the first to receive ‘The Somme Star’ being David Cameron for his unfailing refusal provide a factual answer during Prime Ministers Question.  

Danny Dyer to Write Conservative Manifesto

After a meeting of minds while recording of the official First World War centenary album David Cameron has shocked his party by announcing East Enders actor Danny Dyer is to compose the Conservatives 2015 Manifesto.

“Danny is a top geezer, profound political thinker and true patriot; I can think of no one better to write the Conservative Parties declaration of intent in the coming election”.

In his annual 1922 Committee speech the Prime Minister told assembled backbench MP’s “Danny has sound pedigree in getting his views across to the public, as Zoo agony uncle this fine gentleman advised a heartbroken man to ‘cut your ex’s face, and then no one will want her’; words worthy of Keats himself. ”

‘New faces, old ideas’ would be the manifestos underlying thread. Thatcher’s death meant a new generation could rise in a party no longer haunted by her spectre, and Danny was to be seen as the vanguard for this rejuvenation. When asked for more details to be included within the manifesto David Cameron was cagey; stating that it would be bold, brave and backward thinking.

“Danny and I agreed that women should be patronised in parliament and wrought to our whims in private, his suggestion that unsightly pubic hair should be scorched from a females fanny made me chuckle but am not sure Samantha would agree”.

The Prime Minister and Old Vic landlord met during the recording of poetry and music to mark the centenary of World War One, Cameron reciting Rupert Brooke’s poem ‘The Soldier’ and Dyer reading ‘In Memoriam’ by Ewart Alan Mackintosh. The albums proceeds will be donated to the Royal British Legion, helping to meet the cost of supporting service personnel and their families.

 “The First World War was hauntingly captured by young men, the likes of John McCrae and Wilfred Owen, who saw the trauma and tragedy of war. This album and this manifesto will keep alive those moments for future generations; Danny has publically stated he wants to ‘smack’ critics who castigate his artistic endeavours and proposes this proud nation follows suit. Likewise we should mark to the drum and strike down with great vengeance all those who belittle Britannia!”

Not all within the Conservative Party are pleased with this development, chairman Silas Ramsbottom stating it to be “hilarious”;believing the speech to be the product of too much claret and “political suicide of the highest order”, something he wished Michael Gove would do.

UK Unemployment Falls by 57,000, Cameron Claims 2013 Cull a ‘Resounding Success’

Following the coalitions controversial cull where, annually on 4th July, murder becomes legal the unemployment rate dropped radically for the third year running.

‘In the an era of austerity desperate measures were needed, despite the bold promises made in our manifesto we couldn’t magic jobs out of thin air for people to fill but this cull makes people disappear into, well sometimes thin air but mostly into a furnace at the crematorium’.

As a basis for sound social and fiscal policy the cull has been a resounding success, a reduced population as solved the unemployment and housing crisis as well the pension time bomb. Over 70’s were particularly targeted in the first cull, notably by disgruntled progeny who were fed up of their parents handing around like a malodorous smell, fritting away any potential inheritance.

This years high profile casualties included evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins who was found crucified with a sign affixed above his head ‘Richard Dawkins, King of the Atheists, didn’t survive, wasn’t the fittest’.

Prince Phillip was particularly active this year, bagging a brace of commoners while going for his morning walk before pruning the civil list with extreme prejudice. The state funerals of Prince Charles, Andrew and Edward will be held on 1st August.

David Cameron in IgglePiggles ‘Murky Patch’

Children’s TV personality IgglePiggle has claimed be had and 8 month long affair with David Cameron.

The In the Night Garden star made a candid confession to Newsround presenter Leah Gooding, claiming that he and the Prime Minister had a intense affair in 2011. IgglePiggle, real name Bernard Snooty, also revealed he was pimped to other cabinet ministers, allowing the likes of Michael Gove and George Osborne to ‘blow off steam’.

The most scandals revelation, set to send shock waves through the political establishment, were Camerons demand that IgglePiggle don a rubber Margaret Thatcher mask before sodomizing the childrens television personality, screaming ‘Dennis has a Polaris but I’ve got Trident!’ upon reaching climax.

It is also claimed that David Cameron would don leather chaps and flog IgglePiggle after Prime Ministers Questions, the childrens character requiring hospital attention on more than one occasion.

Number 10 has yet to comment on the allegations but sources close to the prime minister state the claims are ‘Utter twoddle and the ramblings of a derange lunatic!’

Conservative Party Recalls 165 Policies

David Cameron has confirmed that 165 Conservative policies, all made since taking power in 2010, are being recalled due to being not fit for purpose.

Continued failures within all departments left the Coalition government little choice but retract policies which include the ‘Single Universal Credit’ and 95% of the last two budgets; tax payers will not pay for remedial work, David Cameron and George Osborne offering to cover the costs with some ‘loose change they found down the back of the sofa’.

‘We are an omnishambles but equally we are rich, it is like the days our days in the Bullingdon Club. We sample life’s finery, trashed everything in sight and then, after a little high jinx but, we’d just pay for the damages’ Cameron announced to the House of Commons following during an emergency debate on the issue.

‘Its the Big Wodge Society, a bunch of chums playing and paying their way through life’ the Prime Minister continued, ‘ alas this damn coalition meant we needed day boy Clegg and his excuse me of friends; oh to debag the namby pampy and roast his hot crumpets on the Downing Street fire’.

David Cameron ended his speech by resigning, giving way to a better man. Ed Miliband initially welcomed this until he discovered that Boris Johnson had stepped down as Major of London and was palace bound to be sworn into government by the Queen. He is expected promote a number of women into the cabinet, hand picked for their political ‘assets’ which are often on display in the mens weekly magazine ‘Nuts’.

PM Apologies for Remarks to Female MPs

In an interview on the Andrew Marr Show David Cameron expressed his ‘deepest regrets’ for comments made in the house regarding female MPs.

“I’m sorry for overheating their little brains with my intelligent discourse but if the fairer sex can’t take the cut and thrust of politics they should get back into the kitchen where they belong’ The Prime Minister told the stunned BBC political editor.

‘Like Flashman I like my women to have oomph and my servants to have a thump! I apologise for upsetting Nadine Dorries but am willing to take the little lady in hand and bring this matter to a close; together we can bring an end to her frustration’.

During Prime Minster’s Questions he told Angela Eagle to ‘Calm down dear, it’s only an erection, no need for you to get hot and sweaty, I’m getting it ready for Samantha”. The PM regretted these comment as it suggested that he didn’t objectify the Shadow Treasury Secretary ‘I mean she’s no Louise Mensch but after a few glasses of claret I’d give her one’.

A Bullingdon Club alumni, Mr Cameron has continued his decedent binges while in government with cabinet meetings often degenerating into drunken debauchery. Alongside ‘Commandant’ Osborne the Prime Minister recently debagged ‘Dayboy Gayboy Ladyboy’ Clegg and forced him to suckle Eric Pickles man boobs on the steps of 10 Downing Street.

“Went to a wretched public school and then the other place, if one goes to Westminster then Cambridge one deserves everything one gets” is all the Prime Minister would divulge upon the matter.

When asked if his comments might loose him the next election Mr Cameron slapped Andrew Marr across the face declaring, “You Cad! I was born English thus have won the lottery of life. Why would anyone vote for ‘Red’ Ed when men want to be me and women want to ride me… all the way into government, woof woof!”