After a meeting of minds while recording of the official First World War centenary album David Cameron has shocked his party by announcing East Enders actor Danny Dyer is to compose the Conservatives 2015 Manifesto.

“Danny is a top geezer, profound political thinker and true patriot; I can think of no one better to write the Conservative Parties declaration of intent in the coming election”.

In his annual 1922 Committee speech the Prime Minister told assembled backbench MP’s “Danny has sound pedigree in getting his views across to the public, as Zoo agony uncle this fine gentleman advised a heartbroken man to ‘cut your ex’s face, and then no one will want her’; words worthy of Keats himself. ”

‘New faces, old ideas’ would be the manifestos underlying thread. Thatcher’s death meant a new generation could rise in a party no longer haunted by her spectre, and Danny was to be seen as the vanguard for this rejuvenation. When asked for more details to be included within the manifesto David Cameron was cagey; stating that it would be bold, brave and backward thinking.

“Danny and I agreed that women should be patronised in parliament and wrought to our whims in private, his suggestion that unsightly pubic hair should be scorched from a females fanny made me chuckle but am not sure Samantha would agree”.

The Prime Minister and Old Vic landlord met during the recording of poetry and music to mark the centenary of World War One, Cameron reciting Rupert Brooke’s poem ‘The Soldier’ and Dyer reading ‘In Memoriam’ by Ewart Alan Mackintosh. The albums proceeds will be donated to the Royal British Legion, helping to meet the cost of supporting service personnel and their families.

 “The First World War was hauntingly captured by young men, the likes of John McCrae and Wilfred Owen, who saw the trauma and tragedy of war. This album and this manifesto will keep alive those moments for future generations; Danny has publically stated he wants to ‘smack’ critics who castigate his artistic endeavours and proposes this proud nation follows suit. Likewise we should mark to the drum and strike down with great vengeance all those who belittle Britannia!”

Not all within the Conservative Party are pleased with this development, chairman Silas Ramsbottom stating it to be “hilarious”;believing the speech to be the product of too much claret and “political suicide of the highest order”, something he wished Michael Gove would do.