US President clarifies Russian position, stating previous he’d misspoken and its blatantly obvious he’d got links with Russia but what he meant to say was he’d never been given or owned any Russian cufflinks. His shirts sleeves were held together by jewellery ‘Made in America’ but when pressed it transpired they were made in Latin America, more specifically Mexico.

Telling a packed press conference ‘Its me, I’m Donald Trump (audible sighs from press core who already knew that, except for the Fox News reporter who’d thought he was covering the Superbowl), I do deals…Russia said they can help, I do a deal…they hack Hilary and I go soft on Putin (at this point Melania Trump audibly mutters under her breath that ‘You know lots about going soft at the crucial moment’). You know, its me…FAKE NEWS reported I said I had no Russian links…I have no Russian Cuff-Links!!! The Boy Scouts of America told me I am the greatest, and I am. I won the election by the biggest majority ever! I won in Alabama, Hilary’s home state…I won in California, I won in the Brixton…London voted me Major! Thankyou and God Bless America”.

Later Trump met with his Russian handlers before signing a presidential decree moving the seat of power from Washington to the Winter Palace in St Petersburg. The official reason for this ‘temporary’ move being renovations to the White House but it is hypothesized that this will allow Putin to take a more hands on role in governing the United States of America.