US President clarifies Russian position, stating previous he’d misspoken and its blatantly obvious he’d got links with Russia but what he meant to say was he’d never been given or owned any Russian cufflinks. His shirts sleeves were held together by jewellery ‘Made in America’ but when pressed it transpired they were made in Latin America, more specifically Mexico.
Telling a packed press conference ‘Its me, I’m Donald Trump (audible sighs from press core who already knew that, except for the Fox News reporter who’d thought he was covering the Superbowl), I do deals…Russia said they can help, I do a deal…they hack Hilary and I go soft on Putin (at this point Melania Trump audibly mutters under her breath that ‘You know lots about going soft at the crucial moment’). You know, its me…FAKE NEWS reported I said I had no Russian links…I have no Russian Cuff-Links!!! The Boy Scouts of America told me I am the greatest, and I am. I won the election by the biggest majority ever! I won in Alabama, Hilary’s home state…I won in California, I won in the Brixton…London voted me Major! Thankyou and God Bless America”.
Later Trump met with his Russian handlers before signing a presidential decree moving the seat of power from Washington to the Winter Palace in St Petersburg. The official reason for this ‘temporary’ move being renovations to the White House but it is hypothesized that this will allow Putin to take a more hands on role in governing the United States of America.
World Book Day
Peterborough pupil celebrated World Book Day by dressing as that biblical favourite the Angel of Death. Taking his lead from the Moses story Evander Dodd stood at the school gates and asked parents ‘is this your firstborn’ as they dropped their children off in the morning. He later planned on killing all the first born unless headmistress Caroline South let the pupils in Kestrels class go, or at least have an extended afternoon break time.
Evander also spent the day threatening to turn people into pillars of salt for looking over their shoulders and rained fire and brimstone upon the canteen for its wretched fare, well started a lunchtime food fight.
Putin Criticizes Trumps Speech
Russian President Vladimir Putin criticized Donald Trump’s address to Congress last night, stating that he had forgotten to say ‘Hello to Jason Isaacs’. As chief speech writer for the US President, Putin was saddened that Trump forgot to include a nod of appreciation to the Russian premier favourite actor and hopes in future President Trump will stick to the script his controllers provide him.
Russia’s President Dmitry Medvedev has said Prime Minister Vladimir Putin’s description of the UN resolution on Libya to be “unacceptable”. This rare rebuke came following Mr Putins statement declaring the Resolution 3407 to resemble a ‘medieval calls for crusades’.
To resolve the impasse between president and prime minister it was agreed that, as red blooded men, they would do the only honorable thing; have a fight! Scheduled for the 1st April and shown exclusively on ESPN the no holds barred bout will decide future Russian policy upon Libya; the first to cause their opponents death or major injury being declared the victor.
In the red corner will be Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, pro Gadaffi and will be suitably dressed like the Libyan leader. Following the US lead ‘no fly zone’ Mr Putins ‘gentleman’s sausage’ will be hanging out of the gaping hole at the front of his trousers. Being a black belt in the martial art of Li Kwan Cho the former presidents a hot favorite to pummel his successor into premature retirement.
In the blue corner will be President Dmitry Medvedev, initially it was suggested he was to attired like President Sarkozy of France but publically stated that no one was going to make dress like a ‘Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Dwarf’. Instead Mr Medvedev will be blacking up and be Barak Obama. Unknown to many the current president previously blacked up after George Foreman was injured in training; only loosing to Muhammad Ali in the last round in what is now known as ‘The Rumble in the Jungle’.
Drawing from the crème de la crème of international politics the combatants ‘seconds’ are equally substantial. Putin having chosen ex cage fighter and three times Ultimate Fighting Heavyweight Champion Kim Jong II. The supreme leader of North Korea has been training hard, single handedly defeating the combined Chinese and Korean Tai Kwan Do squads in hand to hand combat and occasionally relaxing at the golf course with near perfect rounds of 54 under par.
Mr Medvedev has chosen judo expert and Defense Secretary William Hague. Sources close to Hague say he’s up for the fight. ‘William is mean, he’s lean and thanks to carbon offsetting he’s green!’ Sources also claim that the former leader of the Conservative party is ‘Ready to have a few pints, batter Putin and be eating a kebab before round 2 if required. You can take the man out of Yorkshire but you cant take Yorkshire out of the man’.
Dire Straits are set to rerelease ‘Brothers in Arms’ as official song of ‘Premier Deathmatch 2011’ while McDonalds ‘Big Whack’ is lined up to be the official snack.