The England football team failed to qualify for the last four at this years home internationals after being held to a goalless draw byJerseyin Pool A.

In a game of few chances England missed a penalty with six minutes remaining as Wayne Rooney’s weak shot was saved by keeper David Fenton.

 Proving the theory that Gerard and Lampard cant play together the Liverpool midfielder saw his shot blocked on the line by theChelseacaptain whose positioning was called into question. Sources speculating Lampard may have got disorientated during the game and was kneeling in the goal mouth to snort the goal white line believing it to be high grade cocaine.  

Having lost their opening game to Wales where, despite the recent media spotlight, Ryan Giggs proved he hadn’t lost the ability score and drawing against the Isle of Man Englands finial pool A game was a must win match.  

Head Coach Fabio Capello said afterwards “We were shit, Im not sure what the lads were playing at; it certainly wasn’t football. There will be collective responsibility but I`ll be reserving a special rebuke for Shrek”.

Screams were heard from the England dressing room and Mistress Cameo, spokesman for England Football teal, told journalists that the “Whole England mens football team have been disciplined, following our extended post match session together they have been whipped into shape and dare not fail again. Underachievement is not acceptable behavior so holes have been plugged, dissenters gagged and everyone is very, very sore following this pitiful display;  Wayne Rooney has been severely chastised and will only be performing on the pitch until further notice”.   

Mistress  Cameo was later seen leading Steven Gerard and Frank Lampard by a leash, “As they cant play together on the pitch they’re going to play together in my dungeon, think I`ll give them numbers 6 and 9 “ she told journalist Alix Fox.